Body

My body is not perfect or imperfect. It simply is. Just as you are, and I am. 
It carries my thoughts, my blood, my wishes, and my history. 
In a society packed with critiques, images, and skewed ideas of standard body proportions -- it is often proven to be a treacherous road to acceptance. 
Media has taught me to loathe my bone structure. My strength. My muscles. My height. My skin. 
I have been trained to be continuously unsatisfied with the state of my body. I have never been shown by mainstream what it actually means to distinguish healthy from deprivation, strength from starvation. 
The majority does not teach us the path to self-acceptance. We instead must find quiet institutions, that are unknown and/or unsupported by society, to discover what it means to be a person, with your own undefinable and unique proportions. 
We are not taught by society to put good food into our bodies. We are told to deprive, IN ADDITION to ignoring the ethical, biological, and economical logistics of the food that advertising and corporations encourage us to eat. 
We are not taught to put love into the earth that has provided the resources that made AND maintain this body that we have, that I have, that you have. We are not taught to make those resources whole, genuine, and nutritious. We are not taught that our body, our food, and our earth deserves to be: 
loved
adored
worshiped
appreciated
cared for
fed
savored
We pick. We count. We dread. We feel guilt. We reject what makes us people, women, beings, human. 
And yet, we are judged from deviating from that framework. JUDGED for acceptance, love, and happiness... the very things people in this country claim to be exhaustively and blindly in PURSUIT of. 
It's time for some restructuring in this country. It is time to restructure our minds and stop trying to restructure our bodies. Because to be in a place where you are looked down upon for loving who you are, in body, mind, and spirit -- and for caring for your body and what you put into it -- is insanity. 
This is my body: 

It does not need your approval, your opinion, or your critiques. Because it just is. And it always will simply just be, for the rest of the time that I proceed to exist on this planet that has made me. This planet that has made us. And sustains us. 

I hope you have the courage to realize it. live it. breathe it. radiate it. 

Gratitude

As I have stated a million times -- quite possibly to the point where it becomes nauseating to hear again, sorry guys  -- I've been on the difficult journey of becoming at peace with myself again (since my return from Italy). 

It took me a few months in Italy to get to that state of flow and ease I had. I learned how to operate and be at peace within the Italian culture. Thus, being transplanted to the stress-ridden culture of the Untied States in under 24 hours proved to be a surprisingly huge obstacle in my continuance of peace on the mainland. 

I assumed that the lifestyle I had adopted over those 6 months before was totally ingrained in me. And, to a degree, it was. But I let it become clouded and filled with barriers without even noticing it. 

When I got back to the United States, I was hyper-aware of every single way that the States was worse/different/separate from Italy. I tried to be thankful for what was around me, but it was difficult to savor a culture that doesn't really savor. I kept comparing it to Italy, seeing where it faulted and fell short. 

My education and majors didn't help with this much either; my courses are centered around combating the problems of this nation, our culture, and the world (or more so the problems that we cause in this world). Which is so beautiful and inspiring, but.... it doesn't exactly restore your faith and level of gratitude toward the USA. 

I knew this is why I was having such a difficult time. I tried writing and speaking about, and even emoting, how I was grateful for various aspects of the California and States' culture. But deep down -- I was still hooked on Italy and I was truly living in the past. A day didn't go by where I didn't think of Italy -- what I would be doing that day if I were still there, what I was doing exactly a year ago on that day, etc. 

After months of grinding away and practicing gratitude, engaging in art, surrounding myself with the most BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL people, getting in touch with nature, reading, meditating, exercising, and listening to music, I have found myself entering a state of peace again. I can't give anyone a formula that will grant you happiness and a state of peace in a specific timeline, but I can say this:

Fight for gratitude and happiness will come your way. 
I don't mean stress yourself out over finding gratitude, but I do mean, persevere through the haze, push through the moments where connectivity lacks, and strive for what you deserve. Appreciate the journey, as hard as that may be, and keep your surroundings as positive as possible. Let yourself be vulnerable, and feel. 

It took me about 8-9 months to reengage with this state of peace. I'm still not as peaceful as I was in Italy. In Italy I had this sense of flow. Every situation was greeted with the same neutrality (by this I don't mean lack of emotions) and tranquility. However, I have found a new form of gratitude and happiness. 

I don't think I will ever be able to express the power of gratitude, vulnerability, presence, and warmth and how the realization of their importance has transformed my life and my understanding of myself. 

Fall is here.

Fall has erupted. 
The last day of summer was the first rain of the season. 
Friday the 20th was a peculiar day. 
Arrived to the place where we would hike out (about a mile) to go do stream work. 
We opened our car doors, greeted by the warm, yet frigid air, to hear a hissing noise. 
Flat tire. 
We change the tire. Start work late. 
Leave work an hour early. 
Take off gear, start to get into the car, and a 30% chance of rain becomes reality. 
The sky becomes sharper, the trees greener, and the dust settles. 
An hour later we arrive to the top of the mountain, and to the gate where my car is parked, and I take off for San Francisco. 
It was time to see my incredible friend Rachel, and see Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic with her and her friend Dacia. 
The drive passed by quickly until Sausalito and the bridge. 19th was backed up. But it was okay -- being in this city is home. Having the extra time in traffic to gaze and people watch was much appreciated. 
Arrived at Rachel's home in Daly City. Awesome neighborhood. Awesome house. Have food, have wine. Meet Dacia, and instantly become best friends -- upon her (mutually approved of) request. Shower like a mad woman. And head for the concert. 
Get on Muni. Find a bible written in Spanish. 
Concert was on Pier 23 under the moonlight. It wasn't raining. I was wearing only a tank top and jeans, in San Francisco, and I was comfortable. 
Edward Sharpe had just finished the first song. We show our tickets, run to the stage, and are nearly front row (standing), but off to the left (facing the stage). 
I smiled, so much as we ran to the stage and began dancing. 
Several moments I had to pinch myself. 
I was dancing. Dancing so much. There was a slight, so very slight breeze parading through my hair. Outside. On the Pier. With the moon. In SF. The last summer night. Edward Sharpe. Great friends. Hand holding. Screaming. 
Concert finishes, and gets cut off. But it's alright. 
Back on Muni -- to Mel's diner. Vanilla shakes, cheese fries, late night conversations with the waiter. 
Back to home, drop off Dacia. 
Late night chats. 
Fall asleep to Christmas Lights making the room softer, and awaken to a day of rain on the first day of Autumn. Perfection. 
Rachel and I had coffee, lots of fruit with oatmeal, and some cookie butter, and then I fled to Sausalito, in pouring skies and water filled roads, to go see houseboats with my family. 
Go back to Rachel's, 
and now I'm here. Drinking tea, and talking with her. 
It's Dani's (my Spanish housemate from Italy) birthday. I celebrated it with him last year. Last year. 
Life is so conventionally and unconventionally odd and beautiful. 

Forests

To momentarily exist independent of others is disturbing and enlightening. 

We've been conditioned to think that nature cannot teach, but can provide a space to learn; an entity to study and a means to self-discovery. 

We categorize, we identify so that the mysterious moves into the known. 

We seek the ordered chaos, to implement order in our very minds. 

Yet, we do not learn from. We do not let ourselves be taught by the natural world that surrounds -- deeming it impossible that a seemingly inanimate object -- something wild and separate from the human environment, could teach one about the self, about the world, and about our very own bodies. 

I've hiked. I've backpacked. I've sat on many shores, swam in uncounted waters, and found myself in deserts. Ice, snow, dirt, sand, mud. Steep slopes, flat lands. 

My time in nature consistently brought me to a place of understanding. Brought me.I saw nature as this beautiful, sacred, space that I could learn in; a place of peace where the mind could find clarity. 

But those spaces in nature, had clear paths, were more refined, and were places where people usually go. 

To carve my own path through nature, to submerse myself in the wild, and let myself be... just be -- that was a different experience. To go into nature, where people have not tried to organize and categorize. To go to spaces where you do not understand, and places where you have not seen, that is when you truly allow the mind to unfold. 

In the depths of the forest, you relearn how to be human. You learn how to walk, to step, to ascend, and to stabilize. Your legs, your feet, must carry you differently. Your core is more activated. Your arms must pull, grab, claw, brace, bend, and break to help you move. There is no simple, graceful, and calm arm swing. It is jagged, abrupt, awkward, and untimely. Your legs swing over and your body dives under fallen trees. The forest shows you, teaches you, how to exist as a body. As your own individual entity in the midst of the undefined. 

In the depths of the forest, your lungs breathe deep. Reminding you the power of air. The power of your own body to live. Your skin is scratched, scraped, and bruised -- reminding you of the power of that casing that holds your body together -- protects you. The forest shows you how to move, how to breathe, how to navigate. It teaches you and shows you what you are actually capable of as a body, in the simplest of terms. It teaches you that we are not all-knowing, even when it comes to knowing our very own bodies. 

To many that simplicity may be dehumanizing, or even belittling. But for me, to understand myself in the simplest form -- how I walk, jump, move, breathe, run is more humanizing than not having this connection with who I am. We see our body only as compartment for our mind -- that our mind is truly what defines us. But to understand the body that carries the mind is invaluable and is the gateway to not only understanding our minds, but having a stronger mind as well. 

Learning at first felt empty. The familiar ways of moving that I had known for the past 22 years became as unrecognizable as the landscape I was encountering. Taking these -- what we see as -- basic parts of life, of movement, and making them inapplicable, forces you to be as undefined as the space around you. From that point of indefinite knowing, being, and surrounding, you are then able to define yourself, as you define the space around you. 

And with each step of complete intention, each muscle flex and engagement, each tear of the skin, and each deep inhale of the lungs, you relearn who you are, what your body is, what your mind can withstand, and the varying ways it can interact with the world around you.

1 year

A year has gone by since I left for Italy. August 19, 2012. What a day that was.

I cried so hard as soon as I passed through the gate. Realizing everything was going to change -- most likely for the better -- but it meant, many people would no longer be apart of my life. 

People on my 3 plane rides, and within the 4 airports -- that I ventured through -- probably thought I was crazy as I went through waves of smile, anger, fear, and full on crying. 

I left, and arrived in Italy, with no clue of who I'd meet, what my apartment looked like, or who I'd be living with. I was completely and utterly clueless. 

I almost missed every connecting flight. I lost my luggage. Sorted it all out by speaking Italian. Got a taxi in Italian. Showed up to apartment. Didn't know how to get in, since I didn't know what floor or apartment number I had. Asked to use Caffe' Zamboni's phone -- a place I would grow to love -- and eventually ended up my apartment... 

The apartment I had no idea that would soon be filled with the most amazing people I have ever meant. Happy memories, drunken memories, delirious one. Sad ones, stressed ones -- growing, loving, amazing ones... perfect ones. 

I was greeted at my door by Daniela. Whose kindness to show me around the city meant more to me than anything in this world. She helped me get my phone and internet squared away. Showed me where the study center was, and of course all of the important sites of Bologna. She introduced me to Pizza Bo, which is the perfect city-wide network website for home delivery for any food you could want... perfect for those days you're completely incapable of leaving your bed. 

Nearly 6 months later... my apartment went from being empty, alone, and blank -- to full of smiles, memories, visions, beautiful BEAUTIFUL people, love, and laughter. 

I miss the talks I had around my kitchen table. The nights of joyous cooking, music blasting, and story sharing, before we'd all go out walking around town or dancing. 

I miss nights in, where my roommates and I would all show each other good street views of each others' houses and where we grew up -- trying to get a greater understanding of each other. 

I miss it all so much. My heart yearns for Italy every. single. day. There isn't a day that I haven't gone without thinking about it. 

I could finally fully be me for the first time -- in any setting. And that is the most invaluable thing I have ever encountered in my entire life... to be able to be you, in a setting full of unknown, and unanswered questions... that is just lovely. So very, very lovely. 

Battles

Everyone has personal battles, which -- for lack of a better phrase -- come in all shapes and sizes. Battles can be self-destructing, imposed by others, and even arisen by inanimate objects. To keep it simple, I've divided battles into three categories:

Daily Battles: These are the small obstacles that happen throughout the day. Whether it's a broken stapler, a shitty coworker, traffic, or a fight with a friend, these are the battles that occur in one day -- in one moment -- and usually don't carry over to the next day. 

Present and Future Battles: These are battles that do not stem from the past, but they can be long-lasting. This can still involve inanimate objects, but the problem doesn't cease just after one day. However, the END of the battle is in sight and seems attainable. These battles could be things like: questions of life, coping with the loss of someone or something, or even trying to find a job. 

And last, but not least, there are... 

Past Battles: To put it bluntly, this is just emotional baggage. That deep-rooted crap that you either learn to deal with, or just leave unsettled. 

Dealing with emotional baggage makes the past battles seem beautiful, the daily battles seem miniscule, and the present/future battles seem exciting. But... that's not to say these obstacles don't find away to creep into your life and leave you unsettled and imbalanced -- your coping skills just get better if you deal with the past battles. 

For me, I currently find myself struggling with the Present and Future Battles, or to be specific -- questions of life and how I relate to others. 

As an individual, I feel like I know what I want and who I am. I still have uncertainties, but I'm excited by those. 

In relation to others though, I'm finding that maybe the majority of my goals, my views, my aspirations, and my perspectives don't breed social cohesion for my life. 

What do I mean by "social cohesion?" Well, much of my dreams require a lot of independence and thus less interactions with people, but this really conflicts with my personality of being a hopeless and utter romantic, who loves being surrounded by people. So... I feel torn.

Of course, there are people in the world with like-minded dreams, who I can not only share these experiences with, but who also know how to sustain a friendship where people see each other very little throughout the year, or a given period of time. But still... it's hard to maintain those connections with so little interactions. 

Being in Italy, and starting this job in the "working world," has definitely shown me who the rocks in my life are; I see who will always be there. However, the longer I'm away, the greater the risk of that number becoming smaller. 

I know that's life. And I know my goals will lead me to meeting other people, but that's not to say it still isn't difficult when I find myself either 1. not connecting with someone and/or 2. struggling to find time to see someone because I'm (physically) so far apart from them. 

I know I'm always going to yearn for something new (even if I initially hate the stark change that comes along with it), and I know I'm not always going to be permanently settled somewhere until I'm much, much older. This, fortunately -- and yet unfortunately -- weeds out people I don't connect with, makes apparent the people I love, highlights the ones who bring out the best in me, and yet also has the potential to drift me away from the people I want to keep. 

So... in the mean time, I'm working on communicating much better with the people I miss. I'm trying to take on new habits, so I can make those people -- who I don't see that often -- feel as loved as they make me feel. Because the people in my life, who I can go so long without seeing -- and then instantly reconnect with when we reunite -- are definitely people I do not want to lose. 

These are my Present and Future battles (as far as questions of life go), and this is what I will continually have to work at: 

sand

Sometimes, you wish all of the details of your life could just unfold right before your eyes. There are moments where it feels like everything is whirling around you in a complex and hazy fashion; 

it is confusing. 
it is hypnotizing. 
it is calming. 
it is tantalizing. 

You look at everything that lay before you in amazement of how there seems to be so many answers in front of you, yet you can't piece anything together. It's like you can make sense of the fact that it's all nonsense, but... it's still nonsense, but... maybe one day it will all make sense?

I think life as a whole can feel this way, and so can experiences, and even people. Something can feel whole in front of you, yet fragmented. You understand, but you're unable to grasp all of the pieces and put them together; you feel like everything is coming together and falling apart at the same time. 

The only way I can describe what I mean by that is through a visual: 

Imagine you have a handful of sand. You're on a beach, and then slowly and softly you let the sand gradually fall out of your hand and get caught up in the wind. It's elegant, it's graceful, but it's still "falling apart." 

             But... was it ever really together? 
             What was holding it together? 
             Do things have to fall apart to make sense? 
             And the fact that it could be falling apart doesn't even have to be bad, or devastating -- you still can admire the process. 

Friday was the last day of my first week at work. It's been a whirl. There are small moments where it feels right and clear, and small moments where it feels like the image I described, confusing and not together, yet beautiful. 

When I think about the larger picture... the haze grows larger and nearly envelopes me. I feel like I'm blinded by this beautiful lack of transparency, but sometimes that transparency feels suffocating or paralyzing. 

I love my job, but other aspects of my life -- including the big picture -- could be a lot clearer. 

Strangers

A year ago you were all strangers to me. 

I had no idea who you were, where you were from, or that you even existed. There was no inclination or hinting that you would be coming into my life... you all just arrived. And everything fell into place. 

Sure there were disagreements, awkward moments, times where I didn't know if it was possible for us to get along, but in the end, we all ended up so close. 

I've been in the states for 6 months. I haven't seen you all for 6 months. And I miss you all so much. 

You all saw me transform into the person I've always wanted to be. You accepted me through my highs and lows. You laughed with me. You cried with me. Late night movies. Late night walks. Late nights out. Late night cooking. Late night talks around our old kitchen table. 

I miss stumbling into the kitchen half asleep to find one of you cooking with a big smiling face, or just as tired or hungover as I was. 

Each one of you taught me so much and brought even more people and experiences into my life. 

What I would give to live with you all again. To see you right now. I think about you all every. single. day. and you have impacted my life more than people I've known for years. 

Anxious

I'm getting anxious to go exploring again. I want to go somewhere new. Somewhere wild. I want to engage with cultures unlike any other. I want to meet new people and expand my mind. 

I miss the hospitality and kindness of people I met on my travels, and in Bologna, when I studied abroad. 

Today marks 6 months since I've been back from Italy, and to be frank... I don't feel quite whole yet. I know I should have fully transitioned by now, but it isn't so. I think I belong somewhere else. 

Maybe I'm a wanderer. Maybe I'm not meant to stay in a place for long. Or maybe I found my place, and I need to return to it. 

Certainty will never be present, but in the mean time, I can just try to figure out me, go with the flow, and let my feet take me where I need to be. 

Sunrise

Reconnecting with old friends, acquaintances, or people you've had brief encounters with is beautiful. As well as seeing a different, but amazing, side of someone you thought you knew so well.

A group of friends and I hung out yesterday and then sat on the roof of my apartment. Layered in blankets, we sat in a circle and talked about everything. Laughing til we cried, and just opening up about so many things. We all talked for so long, that we started to notice the sun was rising. I haven't watched the sun rise in so long.

Those moments where you hear the city come alive, and you feel like you're one of the only people awake at that moment - as if you're the only person that exists and the world is yours - are completely stunning. You feel so capable and so humble. Especially when you're sharing that moment with other people who you're learning new things about. Just the absolute fact that you all can share that sunrise together, that one sunrise that can never be recreated in that exact form, is so special and so binding. 

And then the sun comes up, and that feeling of ownership diminishes during the day, but you still feel - and know - that the connection is there and forever will be. 

Renewal

When considering a job offer, one of my cousins gave me some much needed job advice, and life insight. Since I first received the offer, I began to wish I could just talk to my future self and hear how I would reflect on my decision 5-10 years down the line, and hear whether or not this is the right job to take. 

I wanted to know:

Would I regret taking it? 

Not taking it? 

Should I wait for something else? 

Is this the right type of job to pursue? 

Is this the right location? 

She didn't give me the answers, or force-feed them down my throat, but merely told me how she would feel if she had this opportunity, and how she would feel if she did, or did not, take the job. 

Us having similar majors, I told her the two career paths I was thinking about taking, and she gave me her wisdom about which ones are more or less accessible. She let me know the reality of each, and didn't sugar coat either one. 

I wish I could describe her words and wisdom succinctly, and remember how she phrased each sentence so eloquently, but there is one thing in particular that I remember her saying: the importance of having a place of renewal. 

Going to Bologna, and being so lucky to have a campus/city/location like Berkeley has shown me how important space and place is in terms of self-restoration and creation. It wasn't until recently that I made the clear connection that making the effort to be in beautiful, calming, and special places, allows you to continue getting through all of the rough patches -- a place of renewal.  

She asked me to think of what my place of renewal was, and see how that aligned with where I saw myself in the next 5 years. I then realized, I have many places of renewal. And that this particular offer -- a year long job amid the redwoods -- would be a beautiful place of renewal for the short term and long term.

So, here's to having a job -- ALMOST -- right out of college, and exploring one of my places of renewal. 

How to explore

Good and Great

In the midst of everything going on, this photo, and this quote is so completely relevant. I have my first real job offer. And sometimes it's weird to pull away from something you know so well, not because you fear change, but because you know you have something so good. But... as the quote says (and sorry to be cliche), maybe it's time to find something great and extraordinary. 

Graduation

Graduation. There's so much to say. So much that comes to mind, and yet describing my emotions in a few coherent sentences seems impossible. I feel like a bipolar cave-woman every time I try to say how I feel about this experience -- optimism and hope pulling me in one direction, and absolute sheer terror pulling me in the other. My brain feels scattered, as it constantly thinks: 

change. life. growth. possibilities. fear. unknown. under-prepared. so very prepared. excited. terrified. adventurous. limited. unlimited. unrefined. polished. CHAOS. excitement. wonder. money. NO MONEY. travel. desk. foreign. abroad. local. bay area. environmental. grad school. FORGET IT ALL. bring it world. success. SQUIRREL (just kidding guys). health. 

These are just a smidgen of the things that are running through my brain. Like I said... I feel like a crazy person. Trying to calm down my ideas and just relax has definitely been nothing short of challenging. And at the same time, I'm trying to go with the flow and realize that the majority of graduates are feeling the exact same way that I am. 

The one feeling though that I can't seem to shake off is: loneliness. 

Seeing Berkeley, even just hours after general commencement ended, made me realize how many of my friends are not going to be in Berkeley for the summer and/or are permanently moving back home. 

I went from constantly being surrounded by some of the most amazing people I have ever met, to flying solo. It scared me the first few days. It jolted me and slapped me in the face... real, real hard. 

But, as I sit on my childhood bedroom floor, writing this blog post, I think back to nearly 10 months ago -- before I left for Italy. I was sitting in this same exact spot, sobbing and shaking with fear. And yet, Bologna turned out to be the best experience of my life. 

My ability to cope with change has become so much better, but I would be lying if part of me said I was not terrified for the future. 

I'm mainly scared about not blossoming into the person I've always wanted to be, and worried about meeting new people. I love meeting new people, but I'm so content with the people I know now. I worry about not living up to all of the dreams and goals I have set for myself. I really want to conquer all of them.

So for now, I just need to try and stay focused, positive, and driven. 

Love

Most of the time, I am a strong advocate of being an independent woman. 

Who says you need a partner to be happy, an "other" to define you, and make you feel whole. I strongly believe every person should feel whole without a partner in their life. 

However, there are those moments, where I just yearn for love. Yearn for moments with someone who makes you feel so comfortable, and gives you flutters. I've become more realistic as I've aged, but at the same time, I am the definition of a hopeless romantic. 

I dream of the ever-so-talked-about-girl-meets-boy-in-cafe scenario. 
The "finding your love in college" encounter. 
The walks, the fights, the dreams, the bucket-lists. 
The friendship that turns into something greater -- what you've always wanted. 
The traveling. The late night talks. 
The sparkle in each other's eyes, the one that never fades. 

I dream. I let my mind wander. I imagine. 

I then take a deep breath, and go back to focusing on me. 

Latte

It's the day before Mother's Day. 

I'm sitting in Cafe Mediterraneum -- the supposed place where the first latte was invented by the Italian owner in the 1q50's. My bias of Italian coffee made me apprehensive to trust the quality of the coffee here. I ordered the latte. 

Best coffee I've had since Italy. And suddenly: nostalgia. 

I'm in the upstairs areas of the cafe. The track-lighting is dim. There are mismatched chairs, small, round and cozy corner tables, and big ex-kitchen tables. The floor is checkered black and white, but it's scuffed, and dirty; many people have been here. The vibe is students, hipsters, women, men, different ethnicities. People with headphones, others listening to the soft piano music and the clanging and spurting of the coffee machine in the background. 

This morning/whole day I was with my mom, my Grandma, my aunt Laura, and my sister Stefani. We went to an old mansion in SF that had been remodeled; every room was decorated by a different designer. 

After we went to brunch at a place called Sweet Maple. While waiting for our reservation, we went into a spice shop. I sampled a black truffle sea salt -- it was incredible, the taste lingering in my mouth till we ate. The maple, spicy, grass-fed bacon at the restaurant was unreal. I had an asparagus omelette with the bacon, parmesan, asapargas, and hollandaise sauce sprinkled on top. 

After, we walked back to the car, stopping at an open house along the way. It was a studio that was for sale, and it reminded me of all the possibilities I'll have after college -- that day I buy or rent my own place in the city, or somewhere other than Berkeley. It gave me hope. It comforted me. 

We then headed to Berkeley, went to Ici, and now here I am, trying to write a paper on land-conflicts in Paraguay. 

When Bri and I first got here there was a man sitting in the corner, and he asked me how my day was going. Everyone assumes that when people say hi, they're trying to make a move on you. People can be nice now and then, ya know? It's no novel concept. I always tell strangers good morning or have a good day, and it was so refreshing to have that in return -- to see what a difference just saying hello can make. 

I'm content. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm at peace. I'm thrilled and disrupted, all at the same time. My feeling is great. 

My Manifesto

This is my Manifesto. I wrote this on March 10th in a book my mom got me on a weekend getaway to wine country. It's called What's on your top 10 list? It's been a rough week and semester and it was time for me to remember the passion I had right when I got back from Bologna. Tonight was so great though. wandered through campus with Annie, Mar, Judi, and Lauren. We ran through   sprinklers, climbed on buildings, laid in the grass, and laughed so hard we almost cried. But on that note,  here it goes, my Manifesto:

TRAVEL. Savor each and every person, thing, experience, and interaction that comes your way because you are not all-knowing, but you can still ingest the knowledge of different sectors of the world that you've been lucky enough to encounter. Be at peace. Be passionate and -- with love -- pursue the things that burn and fuel the fire inside your soul. Breathe easy, tread light, and strive willingly. Do not let the negatives define you. Appreciate yourself and how much good you have in your life. Do not settle -- your life is brilliant and precious, and with exquisite courage -- you can truly do anything you desire. Be good. Do good. Continuously ask yourself -- Am I happy, do I feel challenged -- if you're not. Then change it.

Presence

I'm sure we've all heard that the people you surround yourself with are the people you become. Especially the 5 people you're around the most. And even though Berkeley stresses me out so much, I think I have finally found a balance of people in my life at Cal that provide such an amazing sense of comfort and ease. 

The presence of the people in my life is filled with peace, humor, and understanding. Drive and aspirations. Curiosity and support. 

This blend of characteristics is so humbling, refreshing, and stimulating all at the same time. I'm so lucky to have the people that I have in my life. 

Whether it's someone from cal, bologna, white stag, my family, or my childhood friends -- I am so thankful for all of these people and the presence they bring to my life. 

Grace

I think Italy taught me how to handle situations with grace. I still crack every now and then, but I feel like I'm able to catch myself more, or if I do crack, it's more legitimate. 

I think there's a difference between letting yourself FEEL when you're sad, and having a pity party. A difference between being strong to grow and better yourself, and just covering it all up. There's this intricate balance with confronting what's going on, but not necessarily wearing your emotions on your sleeve. I'm getting better at that... with just, being at peace and all. 

Letting yourself feel, but appreciating the fact that you can feel, and that things aren't as bad as they really can be. If you're physically hurt, appreciate the fact that it can be a lot worse, and that, GUESS WHAT, you're alive and still have the ability to actually feel. I think we get so caught up in our limitations, that we forget how lucky we are. 

Rush to Live

We live in a country that believes in expediting everything; knowledge, time, money, resources, interactions -- everything. 

In school you're supposed to work incredibly hard, sacrificing beautiful Sundays for days indoors with a 30 page study guide. You're supposed to spend  4 years cramming as much as you can into your head and stressing yourself out, all to find an 8-5 career that consumes the rest of your life as soon as you graduate. 

Is this what we define as happiness, as "living the dream?" I get it. We need money to function. But who says you have to stress yourself out so much to learn everything. Why do we function this way? Why do we surpass spending more time getting to know others, ourselves, and this amazing world just so we can try to memorize pages of material. 

I learned more while I was abroad than I have ever -- and will ever -- learn in a classroom or in a job. And yet, it feels somewhat impossible for not just me -- but others who studied abroad as well -- to apply what we've learned. 

We have a society that puts expectations, dreams, norms, education, behavior, and characteristics into the tiniest, most rigid box that it can find. And for some reason, we all "enjoy" being in there. We all "enjoy" being incredibly busy as life just passes us by. We love foregoing interactions, not getting to know people. 

We love racing to the finish line in life, and by the time we get there, we realize we never saw anything along the way -- we didn't see who we were passing, who was cheering for us, what was surrounding us. We just made it to the finish line, and received the medal, the reward, and the recognition. 

In Morocco, the most distinct interaction that I remember was with a merchant who taught us how people shake hands. He said, Americans and European just shake hands, and drop their hands, they let the interaction and the moment fall. He said, WE shake hands and then put our hand over our hearts. 

A complete stranger taught me so much, and was so personal with me. I think that really says a lot that I found more depth in an hour with a stranger, than I do with some people I've known for years. 

So stop rushing. Open yourselves up. Let the world show you what it's made of, and show the world what you're made of, but do it slowly. Be timely. Don't rush to live. 

Toxic Waste

"If you keep sending away every person who challenges you, you'll never GROW. Some people are in your life to sharpen you." 



"Letting go of toxic people in your life is a big step in loving yourself." 



"Be thankful for all the difficult people in your life, and learn from them. They have shown you exactly who you do not want to be." 

I'm trying to live this way

I want to spin in circles til I can't see straight anymore, and then just fall back into a field of grass, laughing. 

I want to fall in love with my best friend. 

I want to go on walks. Night walks through campus. 

Late nights with milkshakes and french fries. 

Spending Friday nights just cooking in good company. 

Backpacking. Seeing the world. 

I want to effortlessly express how I feel, without reservations.  

Feel needed. Feel happy. 

I want to scrape the sky and tackle my dreams. 

I want curiosity. Endless, endearing, passionate curiosity. 

I don't want to be narrow-minded. 

I want to embrace my femininity without having to be a fragile, blind, quiet, and not opinionated. 

I want to fully get back that care-free essence I had in Italy -- where I constantly remembered it's all not that serious. 

I want to savor moments; interactions, people, experiences, sights, taste, sounds, feelings. 

I want to be good. To others and myself. 

Laughter. Smiles. Music. Grace. Empathy. 

I want to surround myself with people who are more concerned with making this world better, than spending hours in a bathroom on their image. 

I want to seize life by the horns and not let go, even when I think I need a breather. Because even the lowest lows are filled with more life than those who go through it senselessly. 

Your box

I'm listening to a live concert album that I recorded from the day after I met you. That day, I had no idea you'd end up being in my life. 


You're in a box. You say you want out. But you do nothing. You just try to pull me in there with you. I try to help you. And I just get burned. And end up in the box as well. 


It's sad to think that you might just stay there... in that box. And I won't be in that box with you. I might not even be anywhere near it. 


There's only so many times you can wait for someone to grow, or come around. Sometimes, there's a limit on what you can do and how much you can do for someone... They have to want to change, to meet you half way. 


It's just hard to see you slowly close the lid of that box on yourself. I've literally tried everything.


http://ia600708.us.archive.org/23/items/PBB112011-11-02.PBB112011-11-02/09NothingToSay.mp3

Happiness

Here's a great article about what it takes to be happy: 

http://successify.net/2012/10/31/22-things-happy-people-do-differently/

Rainy Night

Norah Jones. Rainy night. By the time I walked home and put on my pajamas, I could already hear the storm outside of my window. My new candle is burning. Pumpkin spice tea. I tried to do homework. But instead I talked with an old friend on the phone. And then wrote quotes on post it notes that now surround my mirror... ways of reminding me to stay positive -- that it's all not so bad afterall. .

It's dark in my room. My browsers are full of links to jobs and internships that have applications due this week and next week. My bed has never felt so great. It's weird having a single. 

I'm still confused. But I'm trying to work with it, and stick to my ideas... hence the post-it notes. 

I just want to do me. And be me. And have that be okay. 

I am

In light of my last post..... 

Enough

I think the biggest battle that people face at UC Berkeley, is feeling like they're not ENOUGH. 

Everything is so competitive here. No one really stops to ask themselves if they're happy or content, or -- if they're not -- what they need to do to feel that way. It's always: you're not good enough, or you're not enough.

I love it here. But sometimes it gets really frustrating to have to constantly fight that mentality. It's exhausting. I just wanna do me, and not be given shit for being who I am. 

I'm tired of people saying: 
- "How's your twig and berries?" (When I'm eating a healthy dinner) 
- "Oh, are you only happy now because you're skinny?" 
- "Did you even learn anything or do any work while you were abroad?" 

This is just some of the stuff thrown my way. And I know, my life isn't that hard. But it sucks when people try to break down the things that mean most to you.

I'm sick of it. 

YES. I like eating healthy. YES. I am happy because I am healthy and I exercise. I enjoy taking care of myself. And YES I worked really hard when I was abroad. I learned a different language, took 6 courses, which included masters courses.

So please, don't try to push me down, because you're unhappy with yourself. 

Into Place

I think I learned a way to sum up the way I've been feeling lately: disrupted. 

My friend Adena talked about the importance of feeling at peace and okay with everything in your life. And sometimes that peace gets disrupted. I realized that I did have peace when I left Italy and that I was feeling disrupted since I arrived. 

However, just talking about the idea of being "disrupted" with someone, helped me get to a point where I feel less disrupted. I'm starting to come to peace with the idea that sometimes you won't be completely at peace. And just being able to stay that it's okay to not always have everything together.... just makes you kind of get back to being at peace. 

I've been taking more photos when I walk around campus. I've been surrounding myself more with people who accept the changes I've made in the past 6 months. I've taken some time to do what I want and need, versus feeling pressured to make up for all of the lost time I had with people. And I'm feeling better. 

Granted, there will be waves. But those waves are so beautiful. I used to loathe waves. 

Imagine yourself standing in the water at the beach. If you try to fight the current, if you try to reject the tide, it takes so much effort just to keep yourself in the same exact place. But if you lay back in the water, spread your fingers, and tilt your head back, and just let the water take you, it'll be a lot easier. Sure you don't know where you're going. But at least along the way, you're relaxed, enjoying the feel of the water, the view of the sky, and the smell of the salty sea air.