Gratitude

As I have stated a million times -- quite possibly to the point where it becomes nauseating to hear again, sorry guys  -- I've been on the difficult journey of becoming at peace with myself again (since my return from Italy). 

It took me a few months in Italy to get to that state of flow and ease I had. I learned how to operate and be at peace within the Italian culture. Thus, being transplanted to the stress-ridden culture of the Untied States in under 24 hours proved to be a surprisingly huge obstacle in my continuance of peace on the mainland. 

I assumed that the lifestyle I had adopted over those 6 months before was totally ingrained in me. And, to a degree, it was. But I let it become clouded and filled with barriers without even noticing it. 

When I got back to the United States, I was hyper-aware of every single way that the States was worse/different/separate from Italy. I tried to be thankful for what was around me, but it was difficult to savor a culture that doesn't really savor. I kept comparing it to Italy, seeing where it faulted and fell short. 

My education and majors didn't help with this much either; my courses are centered around combating the problems of this nation, our culture, and the world (or more so the problems that we cause in this world). Which is so beautiful and inspiring, but.... it doesn't exactly restore your faith and level of gratitude toward the USA. 

I knew this is why I was having such a difficult time. I tried writing and speaking about, and even emoting, how I was grateful for various aspects of the California and States' culture. But deep down -- I was still hooked on Italy and I was truly living in the past. A day didn't go by where I didn't think of Italy -- what I would be doing that day if I were still there, what I was doing exactly a year ago on that day, etc. 

After months of grinding away and practicing gratitude, engaging in art, surrounding myself with the most BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL people, getting in touch with nature, reading, meditating, exercising, and listening to music, I have found myself entering a state of peace again. I can't give anyone a formula that will grant you happiness and a state of peace in a specific timeline, but I can say this:

Fight for gratitude and happiness will come your way. 
I don't mean stress yourself out over finding gratitude, but I do mean, persevere through the haze, push through the moments where connectivity lacks, and strive for what you deserve. Appreciate the journey, as hard as that may be, and keep your surroundings as positive as possible. Let yourself be vulnerable, and feel. 

It took me about 8-9 months to reengage with this state of peace. I'm still not as peaceful as I was in Italy. In Italy I had this sense of flow. Every situation was greeted with the same neutrality (by this I don't mean lack of emotions) and tranquility. However, I have found a new form of gratitude and happiness. 

I don't think I will ever be able to express the power of gratitude, vulnerability, presence, and warmth and how the realization of their importance has transformed my life and my understanding of myself.