Graduation

Graduation. There's so much to say. So much that comes to mind, and yet describing my emotions in a few coherent sentences seems impossible. I feel like a bipolar cave-woman every time I try to say how I feel about this experience -- optimism and hope pulling me in one direction, and absolute sheer terror pulling me in the other. My brain feels scattered, as it constantly thinks: 

change. life. growth. possibilities. fear. unknown. under-prepared. so very prepared. excited. terrified. adventurous. limited. unlimited. unrefined. polished. CHAOS. excitement. wonder. money. NO MONEY. travel. desk. foreign. abroad. local. bay area. environmental. grad school. FORGET IT ALL. bring it world. success. SQUIRREL (just kidding guys). health. 

These are just a smidgen of the things that are running through my brain. Like I said... I feel like a crazy person. Trying to calm down my ideas and just relax has definitely been nothing short of challenging. And at the same time, I'm trying to go with the flow and realize that the majority of graduates are feeling the exact same way that I am. 

The one feeling though that I can't seem to shake off is: loneliness. 

Seeing Berkeley, even just hours after general commencement ended, made me realize how many of my friends are not going to be in Berkeley for the summer and/or are permanently moving back home. 

I went from constantly being surrounded by some of the most amazing people I have ever met, to flying solo. It scared me the first few days. It jolted me and slapped me in the face... real, real hard. 

But, as I sit on my childhood bedroom floor, writing this blog post, I think back to nearly 10 months ago -- before I left for Italy. I was sitting in this same exact spot, sobbing and shaking with fear. And yet, Bologna turned out to be the best experience of my life. 

My ability to cope with change has become so much better, but I would be lying if part of me said I was not terrified for the future. 

I'm mainly scared about not blossoming into the person I've always wanted to be, and worried about meeting new people. I love meeting new people, but I'm so content with the people I know now. I worry about not living up to all of the dreams and goals I have set for myself. I really want to conquer all of them.

So for now, I just need to try and stay focused, positive, and driven.