Swept

I've been silent on here recently. I find myself frequently turning to journal writing or other forms of media expression for an outlet and space for idea sharing. And yet, I have found myself missing this so much the past few days.

The winter weather has truly swept me away and lured me into the cold breezes, the drippy wet corners, the saturated soil, and gnarled knots and branches of trees. I have become quiet, thoughtful, pensive, gently -no tenderly- stoic, and am truly in a stage of philosophical healing and hibernation; I feel as though I'm gearing up for an even greater wave of blooming. A wave much greater, much more powerful and positive than the one I just experienced. It's like winter and this season are the world's way of saying ~~~ rest beautiful. breathe. bring ease to yourself, to your life, to others. 

And it's not just me who feels this way. I sense this in the air, and I sense it in my friends, my family, my loves. There's this hushed eagerness that I can tell is tingling in everyone; so ready for change, yet too paralyzed to move or act yet. We're restless and yet we know this is a time for patience. A time for introspection, even if it hurts. In fact, if it hurts -- even better, because than we know we aren't numbed by life and the cold. We know we are emotive, alive, and thriving. And we are all gearing up for an even grander state of being. 

And so, I wait. We wait. For Spring to come, for the New Year. We all wait for the tide to rise and subside. 

Goodness

This weekend I saw the most beautiful quote while browsing through stores with a friend: 

Limbs are cherished because they are parts of the body:

why then are other people not cherished because they are parts of humanity? 

We both paused -- we were truly overcome by the power of these words -- and read the quote again. We let the words sink, simmer, and bloom. A new wave of perspectives poured over me. Epiphanies were solidified. It was subtle, but present and etched into me. 

Throughout the day I kept thinking, reflecting, and beaming over the sheer fact that: 

There is goodness in this world. 

In this life. 

In others, and in you. 

There is goodness in our bodies. 

In your body. 

Everyone. Cherish your body and what it does for you. Appreciate how your lungs, your heart, your liver, your organs -- get you through the day. They support you. They care for you. Your legs and your feet carry you. Your arms and hands help you grab things, touch people, hug people, love people. 

Your body helps you 

express, 

move, 

groove, and 

live. 

Do not let yourself become detached or separated from how special your body is. The process of evolution that caused it to form. The way that the substances that makes up your features, skin, color, curves, and muscles have evolved over so many years to exist in this point in time. 

Our bodies - our matter - is the result of love, of human interaction, of orchestrated chances, and connections. Our bodies are history. Our bodies are the future - as it constantly changes and interacts with new places, new things, and new people. 

Let those statements settle. Let them develop into a deep and intense love for yourself and your body. Let yourself realize how wonderful it is that:

You are here. 

On this planet. 

With this body. 

Right now. 

That is exquisite.

Accepting and appreciating your body can be such a liberating feeling. It literally changes how you see life, how you feel, and how you interact with others. 

It feels so. damn. good. 

But what feels even better -- once you've gained an intense appreciation for your own body and life -- is knowing that you are surrounded by billions of people who have ALSO had years and years and years of commingling interactions and situations that have lead to them being: 

Here. 

On this plant. 

With their body. 

Right now. 

And all of those interactions, features, bodies, personalities, and ways of loving are all unique and have been crafted in their own distinct ways. 

This perspective -- coupled with the sheer fact that OUR CHANCES of being born in this particular time, place, and circumstances are 1 in 400,000,000,000* -- is astounding. humbling. powerful. enlightening. 

It inspires me to cherish myself, and cherish everyone around me, 

for we are all so fortunate to even be here. 

To be breathing, living, and sharing moments together. 

(*That is considering all natural disasters, the chances of your ancestors meeting and mating, specific egg and sperm combinations, and so much more). 

If we have never been amazed by the very fact that we exist, we are squandering the greatest fact of all. -- Will Durant. 

So please, be kind to yourself and be kind to one another. Because with all of this considered, our bodies and our lives are all undoubtedly worthy of being cherished and appreciated. 

Let Go

Let go. 

Let go of every form of tension in your body. 

Every insecurity. 
Every let down. 
Every worry. 
Every preconceived idea of who you should be. 
Every expectation projected upon you. 
Every self-imposed expectation. 
Every idea of what your identity should be. 

Let go of stiff body language, lack of eye contact, lack of love, and lack of compassion. 

Just let. it. all. GO. 

It can take time, it can take practice to let things go. But at some point, you just have to make the leap, and let all of that GO. 

I went dancing with some friends Friday night and noticed I was feeling tense. I was over-thinking things, wondering, 

        How do I look? 
        How should I be dancing? 
        Is there somewhere I can put my bag, this feels so uncomfortable to dance         with?
        Is it going to be easy to keep the group together? 

SO MANY THINGS were running through my head as the opener played. And then the artist we were there to see came on stage, and I slowly just started dancing more and more and started feeling more comfortable. And finally, I just threw my hands up in the air and danced however I wanted. 

I wasn't looking at anyone else, wasn't dancing for anyone else, or wondering what people thought of me. 

I just did what felt right for me. 

Dancing has never been so amazing. I haven't felt that good in so long. 

I let it all go. 

This is how I want to live. walk. breathe. interact. love. 

This is how I will carry myself. 

Free, 
open, and 
okay with who I am. 

Heart

There's a comfort for me that lies within the undefined, 

        the unfolding, the abrupt. 

I find sanctuary in the unknown, 

        the risky, 

          the bold, 

             the terrifying, 

                the passion. 

I love the thrill of stepping into territories that make my heart feel, open, and rage. 

These spaces help me grow, let me live, and let me radiate. But they are vulnerable. 

Extremely vulnerable. And sometimes isolating and lonely. These situations unveil my heart, my soul, my fears, my strengths, my insecurities, my love -- whether I'm ready for it or not. Everything is out there and on the table. 

However, every time I step into these realms, I am first broken down and then... I leave more confident, more open, more secure with uncertainty, more comfortable, and more keen on finding new uncharted spaces, places, people, and ideas. 

 

It's so raw, and it's so real, but it makes me feel more alive than ever.

My life occurs in these intense cycles. Each one beginning with a huge shift; a new place, a new lifestyle, and a new set of faces. 

At first it felt jarring. It would shock my system. Make me numb. 

But now it's something I look forward to, and no longer fear. 

I crave this process, 

this way of being. 

This way of continually opening my heart with the world. 

Cyclical

I believe in cyclical motion; the power of putting actions, emotions, and vibes out into the world and then receiving something directly, or indirectly, in return. There is such beauty in giving without the intent of having something given back to you, but when things come back your way it feels incredible. The more you give, the more good vibes you put into the world, and the better you make others feel. Gradually, and overtime, I feel like the good vibes and all of the giving that a person has done accumulates and it seems like suddenly the world starts returning things back to you -- things just feel like they fall into place and just happen. 

Cyclical motion can occur in varying time spans, with different people, and in different settings, but the more I observe life and the way things unfold -- the more cyclical and harmonious things feels. 

Age

Age is vanishing and becoming merely just a number for me. 

Boundaries and concrete definitions, of what it means to be a certain age, are slowly breaking down and becoming relatively meaningless with every new experience and person that I encounter. 
There are expectations centered around where a person should be at in their lives during their teens, early 20's, late 20's, 30's, and so on; these can be helpful, but they can also be confining. 

The past year I've been shedding the idea of how I am supposed to act as a young post-graduate who is trying to find her place in the world. I don't want my identity to be dependent upon the characteristics of a typical college graduate, and newly employed individual. 

I have recently met so many people, of varying ages who are so youthful, SO INTELLIGENT, and full of passion; passion for different careers, arts, hobbies, lifestyle structures, and ways of learning and education. Their ideas of living, of interacting with people, and of conducting themselves as an individual have totally shattered my ideas of how I should be as a person. 

Age, and the behaviors that should come along with it, is such a simplified way of orchestrating how someone, a community, or a society should be. 

People are beautiful souls comprised of so many differing experiences, incidences, heartbreaks, triumphs, hues of light, and expressions of love. To sum this up with a number -- with polished, acceptable, and normal body language, greetings, diction, life plans, maturity levels, perceptions, and life accomplishments is LIMITING. So. Damn. Limiting. See this. Know this. Understand this. Live this. 

People can, and need to, express themselves in ways that suit themselves and their compilation of memories, lessons, and interactions that they have acquired and will acquire. People should also be able to shift how they carry themselves at any moment without shock or harsh judgment. People continuously have shifting eras of success and failure, different lifetimes within the same lifespan, and changing perspectives of themselves and the world with which they live in. We, the world, nature, everything, is continuously changing and transforming -- SO WHY must we limit things to a number, a specific type of identity, or particular societal norms for our entire life?

Experiment with the execution of the representation of your soul. Try different things, let yourself -- your being -- manifest in different ways that suit you in any given moment of your life. Don't be limited by what you "should" be doing at a certain age, or what hobbies are considered normal and acceptable. 

People are too complex and intricate for that. 

EXPRESS, EXPRESS, EXPRESS. 

And don't be afraid to defy the boundaries of age. 

Brewing

Life is operating just as it should be right now.

That doesn't mean everything is aligned, or that everything is anywhere near perfect. It just means that it just is, and the fact that it is, is just simply beautiful. 

The moon makes it feel like things are brewing. Good things. Very good things.

I've been doing much introspection and building up of courage. 

The past 6 or 7 months I've been in seclusion, in repair. Scared of vulnerability, yet craving to execute it so badly. 

And now, I feel like I'm truly getting there. I'm having more energy and my bravery supply is ready. Ready for the world. Ready to be open again.

By the end of this month, I know I'll fully -- and consistently -- be myself for the first time since November. I can feel it. And I just know.

I know that good things are coming. That my life is about to align, to come together, and feel so much better. Not that my life is terrible right now, because it DEFINITELY ISN'T. But right now things are calm and borderline stagnant. And although those periods of time are incredibly necessary for human functioning, it is also not how I want the majority of my life to be structured.

I only want those phases when they are necessary, not because I perpetuate them.

I'm ready for positive adventure and growth. 

Accept

In recent years, I developed this idea that in order to obtain full self-confidence, one needed to develop a sense of value, worth, and understanding that was completely independent of exterior and announced opinions. 

This isn't to say that one isn't influenced by societal norms, because obviously it is virtually impossible to NOT be influenced by societal norms. Even the rejection of societal norms is the result of still being influenced by social ideals, because you are consciously deviating from what others define as "acceptable." 

What I mean by an independent development of the self, is one that does not depend on the approval of, or verbal validation from, another person. In the past I've made myself very vulnerable with others and felt that the value of my worth was dictated by what those around me thought of me. I have received confidence boosts from these types of interactions, but I've had a few interactions that made this dependency incredibly sour for me; I wanted to develop and feel secure without any validation from anyone. 

To an extent, I think this is powerful -- to see yourself in a lovely light without needing to hear any encouraging words from anyone else. For the past year I became incredibly cemented in this idea and have carried myself that way for months. Overtime, I've slowly constructed an impenetrable wall around my heart -- completely rejecting any positive affirmations or interactions that I felt would define me and create some sort of dependence or deep and intimate connection with another human. 

This is not to say that I haven't been open with others, because I definitely have. I'm very expressive of who I am and what I'm feeling, and I definitely encourage others to feel the same way around me; like they can say anything that's on their mind and feel completely at ease while doing so. BUT, I did keep a tiny piece of me severely protected. And I mean, severely. I put out vibes into the world that did not welcome any sort of unwanted impacting attention, and if I did start to receive it from someone, I would immediately shut them down. 

But in the past two months... I've noticed that this idea, that I was so locked into, is starting to be deconstructed. The fact that I'm even aware that I was doing this is so wonderful, because there were definitely a few months where I was intently guarding my tenderness without even realizing it. I've become so close with some unexpected people who have been reaffirming qualities about myself, and bringing out some of my favorite -- but hidden -- characteristics; I'm surrounded by people who are starting to make me feel like "me" again. 

At first, I had a a strange reaction to this. It was everything I wanted -- (human interaction and positive energy), but everything I didn't want -- (exterior human influence on my identity) at the same time. After some self reflection, however, I began to realize that positive influences from others -- or being comforted by others positive comments/vibes/presence does not mean that you don't have a sense of self-worth or that you are unhealthily dependent on exterior validation. People need human interaction and influences -- fluid conversations, touch, and exchanges are necessary to live a fulfilling life; positive exchanges and affirmations are GOOD for you, and it is okay to accept them. A balance just needs to be found between DEMANDING these words from others and simply ACCEPTING them and letting them happen.

The demanding is unhealthy, and is probably where I used to stand when I was younger and dependent on exterior validation. The accepting is natural and beautiful and normal. The accepting let's people be expressive, and it lets you be vulnerable. The accepting means that you see these qualities in yourself, that you ARE happy with who you are, and that you're okay to let people see those qualities in you. The accepting means that you find yourself worthy of light, of love, and that you are capable of sharing who you are without any reservations.

Profess

We live in a nation fearful of profession. 

   Profession,

     Of raw-biting emotion.

     Of vulnerable interactions. 

     Of feeling extreme highs and intense lows. 

     Of embarrasing truths. 

     Of identity. 

     Of tenderness. 

     Of openness. 

     Of acceptance. 

Our nation is so fearful of the act of professing our innermost feelings that if someone does it -- people either feel the need to guard themselves, or feel incredibly refreshed that someone actually didn't feel weird saying how they actually FEEL. 

Now those are two bittersweet and contrasting reactions, however they both indicate that profession is not threaded into the bones of our societal norms; both reactions are a response to foreignness, to something "other." 

I find it so interesting that our society is so detached from our own personal emotions that whenever someone begins to express themselves, people begin to feel awkward. We don't know how to profess, to express, to listen, or empathize. Words are such a powerfully underrated thing, and there is nothing more beautiful and appealing than someone who knows how to use their language craftily and deeply. 

Every personal statement I share comes from a tender place. I have composed my thoughts, and taken the time to tell someone what is on my mind -- this isn't always easy, but I do it because I love the feeling of destroying barriers and increasing flow and openness within my interactions. I've heard so many stories of people who spent their life wishing they had said a particular statement to someone, told someone how much they loved them, reconnected with a person, or told the world what was really on their mind.

When people tell these stories to me, I can see the regret and longing in their eyes. Some people obviously reach contentment, forgiveness, or acceptance with the fact that they never said anything, but still -- they know, and I know, that their lives would have been much different if they had something, anything. Even if you're tongue-tied, shaking, nervous, and don't even know where to begin... a single world can still begin a cascade of phrases, thoughts, and desires.

In the present moment, interactions may seem small and insignificant -- like how could a phrase have so much power and influence over the direction and course of my life!? But profession can truly change things. I know for me, it most certainly has.

It can enhance a connection with someone.
It can mean the difference between having a networking connection or not.
It can change the way you personally feel and value yourself.
It can inspire others to be more open.
It can allow you to explore your wildest of ideas and goals.

It can be the difference between getting through something alone or with support.
It can do so many things, if you just gather up a few seconds of  courage to bash down societal norms and just say whatever is on your mind. 

In the moment you may feel like a fool for making yourself so vulnerable and honest with someone, but being exposed and real is such a more fulfilling way to live than being closed off; it is so much better than being the ultimate guard of your own emotions and being the wall that encloses your own greatest potential. 

Don't hold back. Don't hesitate. Don't overthink 

Just profess 

     and let it flow.

One Year of Adulthood

For the past few months I've been feeling plateaued; feeling like my personal growth has almost come to a screeching halt. Luckily, the last few weeks have been filled with positive changes and I definitely feel like I'm breaking out of that "coasting" feeling, but still.... that plateau sparked some serious introspection and questioning.

I kept wondering -- how did I get to this plateau? I started to think about what changes have happened over the past year: what I've learned, who I've met, new things I've tried, and places I've been.

Upon reflecting, I realized I had become desensitized to how much has indeed -- changed, and how much I have indeed -- grown, over the past year. So I took some time to marinade in some gratitude, and I made a comprehensive list of what has changed over the past year.

Over the past year I:

- Went from being unemployed to having a full time job.
- Moved from Berkeley to an entirely new place.
- Broke my usual routine of college and stepped into "adult-hood."
- Learned an entire new profession and job that I didn't study for during my undergrad.
- Relearned how to use a compass
- Relearned how to orient myself in the woods, while using a map.
- Learned how to walk with strength, speed, and balance when walking through the woods (off trail)
- Learned tree identification
- Learned how to use a chainsaw
- Learned how to drive and load/unload a quad.
- Learned how to live by myself in a tiny town.
- Learned how to rock climb and boulder.
- Went from having my parents pay for absolutely everything, to financially supporting myself more than I ever have before.
- Learned how to work completely by myself in the woods on a daily basis.
- Learned how to make executive decisions in a profession that I wasn't that familiar with.
- Learned how to survey an endangered species (Northern Spotted Owl).
- Learned how to do stream monitoring for salmon restoration projects.
- Learned (and am still learning) the practice of Silviculture.
- Learned how to navigate the woods at night, by myself.
- Learned how to drive a massive truck, with a 600 pound quad loaded in the back, on tiny, tiny dirt roads.
- Overcame high anxiety.
- Overcame hives and anxiety-induced acne.
- Met new people and developed a community full of some of the most incredible people I've ever met, when I had originally thought I would meet absolutely NO ONE in this town.
- Went to Coachella.
- Am now 100% comfortable with driving in SF by myself (and I do it calmly).
- Was apart of many reforestation projects, and was able to plant hundreds of redwood seedlings.
- Started painting again.
- Started reading for pleasure again.
- Hiked Half-Dome.
- Tried lake surfing.
- Became CPR and First-Aid certified.
- Saw Above and Beyond with incredible people.
- Completed the 100 Happy Days Challenge
- Had my brother return from deployment.
- Had my nephew born into the world.

And so much more. Looking forward to more challenges and adventures in the future months to come.

Power

There is a precious power that lies in human connection; close connections. 

It's so captivating how someone can pull thoughts, epiphanies, and courage from the most hidden depths of your mind and soul. It paralyzes me with tranquility and bliss when someone is able to unleash my fullest potential and my innermost desires, dreams, and concerns. 

Strangers can do this. Family, friends, professors, nature, and even cities can do this... bring out the tangible, exquisite you. 

I consistently try to surround myself with people and environments where this happens. When it does happen -- it feels unstoppable. 

That powerful form of intimate soul-opening expression, living, and feeling is necessary for my existence, for my rejuvenation, and for my happiness. 

Whenever I become reacquainted with people, places, and experiences -- that foster this sense of being -- I realize first and foremost: 

I need to prioritize managing my mental ecosystem.
People need to prioritize managing their mental ecosystems. 

It is OKAY to be "selfish" and take care of yourself. 
It is OKAY to break societal norms. 
It is OKAY to move on from a situation without an apology or closure.
It is OKAY to actively exercise compassion to people.
It is OKAY to ask for help. 
It is OKAY to not have other's approval. 

It is OKAY to do things that YOU WANT to do, for the very sake of it taking care of YOUR SOUL and making YOU infinitely happier. And sometimes, we all need help in doing these things... in remembering that we can do these things: be "selfish," be "different," be "perfectly imperfect." And that's why, it is so important to surround yourself with people who can bring your potential and light out of you,  especially when you're finding it so incredibly to difficult to see and feel certain qualities within yourself.

Sometimes, we all need care and connection from others to help us manage our mental ecosystems, and thus restore our foundations, our levels of happiness, and our openness to the world. 

And that is not only perfectly okay, but it is often necessary. Never forget that value of that power.

So in the mean time... set up your support systems and put yourself in spaces and places where those around you can encourage you, love you, and inspire you when things get hazy. 

Realization

I have come to the official realization that I need 

a new place, 

a new space, 

a new routine. 

A place to really grow into myself.

This isn't a bad thing; it just means it is time for me to move on and for things to change. 

Places and people come into your life for a purpose, and once that purpose is fulfilled --I truly believe that it is time *and healthy* to move on. 

That's always been something I've battled with: when to stick out something because it's apparently *right,* or when to keep someone around because you supposedly still *love* them. This isn't to say that experiences, places, or people are disposable, because that's definitely not the case. 

But, I think it's important to accept and address when something has reached it's end; to accept when your passion for something feels exhausted... even if social norms or other people tell you -- that what you have in front of you -- is perfect. 

Sometimes, there's a huge grey area between what's considered being ungrateful, and what's considered engaging with your personal self-respect and standards. 

But if you know yourself, and if you engage in mindfulness, you'll know what you truly deserve and what you're actually grateful for. 

Things are in transition right now. Things are hazy. Things are coasting. I'm in between changes, awaiting and looking for the next challenge.

Apology

Last Monday morning, I woke up to my phone going off; my eyes were puffy, tired, and could hardly open. 

"It's still dark outside, how could it already be time for me to get up for work?" 

As I began to slowly wake up, I realized I had received two text messages, and that my alarm was definitely not going off. I was still curious as to what the actual time was.

With every ounce of energy that I had -- and trust me, there wasn't that much -- I reached for my phone and checked the time. 

3:50 in the morning. Damn.

I checked my text messages, and I had received the longest -- and most unexpected text -- from someone I hadn't spoken with in months. 

The text message was an apology. An apology I never thought I'd receive. 

It was raw. It was honest. It was genuinely kind. 

I had made some weird form of peace with the idea that I'd never hear these words from this person. I accepted the fact that maybe they'd never understand me. 

And yet, there it was... presenting me with a form of closure and acceptance I never expected to receive.  

It's so interesting that life can give you closure at the most unexpected times. 

Self-Marginalization

This week has been beautiful, challenging, and spontaneous; it has truly pushed me out of my comfort zone. 

I have started owl-calling, which means I have night shifts for work now. I arrive at work an hour before sunset, quad out to where the first owl-calling station is, and I begin work just after sunset. 

The woods are so breathtaking at sunset. The hues of the landscape become soft, tinted, muted. The sky -- clear. The breeze -- calm and warm. The branches -- still. 

Right now I'm working with another person at all times. It's quite comforting and I always feel completely at ease. But soon, I'll be working on my own route. People will still be nearby, but I'll be doing my own stations, and they'll be doing theirs. While doing these night shifts, there is definitely many opportunities to come into contact with mountain lions, hogs, and bears. 

I'm going to have to learn to trust myself and my own capabilities; to genuinely know and believe that my body and mind will take care of me in any situation -- that I can take care of myself. 
It's so interesting to have a job that puts me in situations that actually make me use my body and the way it has evolved to function; I actually utilize my body's strength and senses for a LIVING. 

To do this job definitely puts me out of known and comfortable territory; it constantly pushes me to get to know nature and myself so much better than I ever thought possible. 

A friend spontaneously visited me this weekend, and Saturday night we were talking about my job and backpacking. We were talking about how the more growth-opportunity situations you choose to put yourself in, the more you're peeling down to the core of who you really are; you're shedding "surface" layers and getting to a deeper and more tangible YOU. We talked about how, the more of these situations you place yourself in, the more difficult it is to relate and connect with people on the same level. And in lieu of these situations, my friend then wisely stated that when people do this, 

"You are knowingly marginalizing yourself." 

I found so much power in this statement. I think in many situations (or with lifestyle choices) -- but not all -- people have  two distinct choices: 
1. To do something less daring and less unusual, in order to maintain compatibility with their peers; to keep things comfortable. However, the person will know that they are missing out on an experience that could further their own personal growth and well-being. 
2. To do something spontaneous, unusual, daring, and isolating, while very well-knowing that the experience could make you have less things in common with -- or possibly even grow apart from -- some of your peers. This is the self-marginalization. 

Neither option is wrong. Both hold value and weight. And some times you can have both; you can have unusual experiences, but still be comfortable with your peers. 
While talking with my friend this weekend, we realized that through my job, doing things like studying abroad, our hobbies/interests, etc. -- that we self-marginalizing ourselves from the majority. We've noticed that it is becoming more difficult to connect with people on levels that are as deep as the ones that we're uncovering in ourselves. 

But -- as we were having this conversation -- we had this beautiful realization of how many people in our lives DO connect with us on these levels, and DO accept us throughout our changes and journeys. We also fully realized that this group of people included each other. 

It was such a simple, yet exquisite realization to have. 

Romance

Through all of the differing colored hues and configured lenses in which every person views life, everyone has a varying idea of romance. 

There is the quintessential definition of romance that we all, of course, know: 

          *a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. 

I define myself as a hopeless romantic; this used to manifest itself as never-ending day dreaming of me finding the ever-so-longed-for "one." I craved to have some sort of external assurance from the world that I would never end up alone -- never end up as the crazy cat lady who knits and watches Golden Girls more than she actually leaves her front porch. I grasped onto this idea for so long, until -- after a long string of life events -- I realized that this idea of love, romance, and LIFE did not hold water for me anymore. This idea of life and living was too narrow, too rigid, too suffocating for me. 

I have now rediscovered and embraced a definition of romance that latches onto my heart and continuously pulls me, and sometimes drags me, to new and uncharted adventures, people, and experiences: 

          *a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. synonyms include: exoticism and mystique. 

I don't want to hold onto the idea of finding "the one." I don't want my over-arching hope in life to be to find "THE ONE." I want my interactions and hopes to be wired with the passion of falling in love with as many people, places, experiences, and things as possible. I never want my love and openness for anything in this world to be muted or diluted by the comfort of finding, or having, that ONE person to extend all (or the majority) of my love and heart to. 

Of course, people can embody both definitions of romance, but I think our society force-feeds women this idea that happiness lies in an engagement ring, a white dress, and a huge party that follows; that you aren't fulfilled until you prove to the world that you are officially marriage material. I am not putting down marriage, but I am putting down the glorified pursuance of it; the idea that it HAS to happen. 

While living in Bologna, I realized that the TITLE OF SOUL-MATES is not limited to the ones your marry, or nearly marry. Your soul-mates can be friends and cities and things you haven't even experienced yet; places you haven't been. 

You can fall madly in love with winding cobbled streets lined with cafes. 

You can fall madly in love with your first friend you met at college. 

You can fall madly in love with the stranger who shares their umbrella with you, for just 5 minutes. 

You can fall madly in love with the sound of the ocean, the way the sun warms your face, and the way the cold, cold winter chaps and burns the backs of your hands. 

You can fall madly in love with the pursuance of adventure and new experiences; those rushes of adrenaline and fear. 

You can give your heart to so many things, and leave pieces of your heart in so many places -- if you choose to. There is less security in this, but to me, there is such a greater return. I don't want to live my life with the intention of reserving my heart for just ONE. 

I want to share it, diversify it, and open it to the world and all that it has to offer. 

Dazzlement

Spring has so very eloquently sprung. 
And as I find myself immersed in sunshine, chirping birds, blooming flowers, and soft inland breezes, I can't help but think of how wonderful and delicate life is. 

If we have never been amazed by the very fact that we exist, we are squandering the greatest fact of all. -- Will Durant 

I recently watched a Ted Talk that said OUR CHANCES, (yes, yours, mine, ours, AND your mother's uncle) of being born in this particular time, place, and circumstance are 1 in 400,000,000,000. That is considering all natural disasters, the chances of your ancestors meeting and mating, specific egg and sperm combinations, and so much more! 

Just take a moment to think about that, and let that staggering number simmer inside you for a few minutes. Do it. 

Through the beautiful fragility of our very chances of being born, there is some serious strength -- and should be some serious gratitude -- in YOUR very existence; this means your every day life, human and nature interactions, inner-dialogue, ambitions, and desires. 

Executing appreciation for life is different for every person. But personally... I can't help, but look at that number -- that signifies just how freaking lucky I am to be alive -- and think: 

Everyone deserves a lovely existence.

Everyone.

I hope this number -- this 1 in 400,000,000,000 -- helps you redefine what a lovely existence means for yourself, your interactions with friends and family, your meetings with nature, and your encounters with strangers. 

I hope you let your life be YOUR DEFINITION of lovely, and I hope you help others magnify and realize their own definition of what lovely means. 

"If you shine your light, others may see how to do the same. You can ignite a chain reaction of illumation that is unstoppable." - Dylan Patterson

For me, I realize more and more each day that, in all of my interactions, I want to propagate comfort and care, in every encounter I have, so that it can hopefully manifest itself into a greater sense of ease, flow, acceptance, and happiness for at least one other person in this world. 

And with that said, 

...the probability of any one of us being born exactly as we are in this precise time and place is so unlikely that your very existence verges on the miraculous and should be a continuing source of dazzlement for you. 

Dazzle on my friends. 

Identity

Sometimes standing your ground on what you want your identity to be can be incredibly intimidating. It takes great courage to dismantle people's preconceived ideas of who you are -- especially people who have known you for years or in identity-specific settings. When you're further removed from your origins, you can feel more liberated to pursue the persona that you feel you've always had, or have always wanted to emit. When you are given this opportunity, and then placed back into a setting where people are cemented in the idea of who you used to be -- it can be challenging to maintain the new identity that you've grown into; it can be easy to pick up old habits/thought processes, and it can be uncomfortable to be insistent on the fact that you have, indeed, changed (especially when the people you're surrounding yourself with haven't necessarily changed, or can't identify with the new changes you have made -- so out of comfort you don't emphasize the new changes that you have made). 

I'm really seeking out to be comfortable with making situations a little bit uncomfortable, if it means that I am able to show others who I really am, and who I have grown into. I love it when others feel comfortable, but I shouldn't sacrifice my personal comfort and change who I have become to make others feel comfortable -- especially since they aren't actually taking the time to relearn me and my changes. As good of intentions these people may have, it is still disrespectful and hurtful that they can't take some time to see if I have changed over time. 

I keep procrastinating on how I truly carry out who I actually am; I keep waiting for there to be particular changes within myself and others, or I keep waiting for the perfect timing. And if I keep putting it off any longer, another year of dissatisfaction -- another year of not living my life as who I truly am --will soar by. And I'm tired of being afraid to truly show who I am; it shouldn't take a foreign country, where I know NO ONE, to let me completely grow into myself and show that identity to others. 

I've spent months trying to find certain ways to make myself comfortable with myself and showing others my identity, and within the past week, I've realized that I am the one prohibiting myself from being who I want to be -- not others. Others, and their judgments or oblivion, can serve as obstacles in regards to how easy it is for me to be who I want to be... but ultimately, I decide whether or not I let that redefine me. This realization, although simple, took time and much introspection to realize. And it will take even more practice for these ideologies to manifest themselves. But... in time, I will be fearless with self-expression and confidence. And, I am especially comforted by the fact that I have truly realized that today is the day to start making these changes. 

Music

Music is so important to me. The way a song and a melody can express things you didn't even know you were feeling... it's just so incredible and comforting. I feel like someone's taste in music has the potential to reveal so much about them; I find that I get along best with people who have more diverse tastes in music, or are open to hearing new genres. The older I get, the more I realize I want people in my life who will share music and beautiful experiences with me. 

People who: 
~ can cook with me on a Sunday afternoon, while softly singing Etta James. 
~ will spontaneously road trip it with me to the farthest National Park in the winter time, while we wear scarves of red 'tied round our throats, and scream Fleet Foxes. 
~ lay in the grass with me as someone gently strums on their guitar. 
~ shamelessly dance with me till 4am to top hits, ratchet beats, and gnarly rap.
~ are open to electronic music, swing, classical, jazz, and blues. 
~ roll down all of the car windows -- on warm summer nights or freezing rainy days -- and blast our favorite indies, oldies, or 90's songs as we let the wind sift through our hair. 
~ cuddle up on couches with me with Bon Iver, Feist, and Ray LaMontagne playing in the background, as we relax quietly or have deep conversations. 
~ will spend days at the ocean with me, soaking up the rays and jamming to reggae, or our guilty pleasure pop songs. 
~ wake up slowly to Jack Johnson and Zee Avi on weekend mornings.
~ have a soft-spot for slow jams, Adele, and Coldplay when they're feeling blue.
~ drunkenly (and terribly) play heart and soul with me on the piano in the middle of the night. 
~ get feisty to The Black Keys, Cat Empire, Disclosure, Tyga, and Calvin Harris and can kick it in a pub with a few beers. 
~ reminisce with me on how the Garden State soundtrack totally changed their perception of everything when we were in high school. 
~ will continuously share and explore music and the world with me. 

Respond

The less I talk to and reach out to the people who bring me down -- even if I love and care about them, and they love and care about me, the more my life SIGNIFICANTLY improves. Some may call that selfish, but I call it healthy and necessary.

Spaces

**note, this post is just about spaces, and what YOU can do to make others feel comfortable. this post does not acknowledge the many layers of complexities that go into people's ability to access, or live within, said spaces. and it definitely does not acknowledge global dynamics. 

I value cultivating spaces in which myself, and others, feel comfortable, open, and able to explore interests, discussions, and who they are. 

Personal internal dialogue and interest exploration -- and expression -- is often stigmatized as a private entity within the United States; public or open declaration of our struggles, curiosities, or desires is unwarranted unless it fits certain criteria on how it's delivered, what the content is, and who the audience is. Pursuing vulnerability, or raw and wounded desires, is not easily welcomed by the masses, and it's especially not welcomed on social media (excluding sites like tumblr, which thankfully encourage and accept a sense of anonymity to people's profiles, due to our society's general void of spaces that allow for intimate communities and dialogues of self-expression). 

To many, there is obviously an ever-so-delicate line between "over-sharing" and voicing something that needs to be unleashed, but just because someone says something deep, unusual, or profound, DOES NOT mean it's over-sharing. 

Over-sharing is not only relative to every individual, but it is -- in part -- caused by our society's suppression of those gnawing or blooming thoughts that creep up within us every day. 

The ones you act on, or don't act on. 
The ones that paralyze you, or ignite you. 
The ones you wish you could just shout, or proclaim as soon as they arise. 

We've all had these thoughts at least once in our lives: 
To deny this, means to accept one's self-cementing in our society's fear of confrontation and the act of feeling.

I'm not happy. 
I am happy.
I really need someone to talk to. 
I LIKE YOU. 
That made me cry/tear up/sad/angry/happy.
We should kiss. 
I deserve better.
You deserve better. 
I know we just met, but you're wicked (or insert other desired adjective) cool and I know we hardly know each other, but we should be friends. 
I NEED (LOVE, A HUG, FOOD, ADVENTURE, YOU)
This isn't what I want my life to be like. 
THIS IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED. 
I want to change. 
LISTEN. 
I feel like I've known you for years.
I miss you. 
Woah, you're attractive.
I am okay. 
I AM _______.
I AM NOT ________. 

We NEED more spaces and resources that support a sense of COMFORT, a sense of OKAY; a reassurance that all that we feel, think, believe, want to say, don't say, actually say, and desire is OKAY. 

We all have these long internal checklists of 

how we're supposed to present ourselves, 
what we're supposed to pursue, 
how we're supposed to engage with others, and 
what we're supposed to say; 
these things are limiting and restrict many people's happiness, openness, and curiosity. 

And yet, despite wanting to say, feel, obtain, or shout something so badly, the majority quietly continues on with these stifling patterns, habits, and expectations. We continue with fear of expression and confrontation and thus let moments greet us and leave us without making the most of that exact moment, because we were too scared to mold or contort societal norms. 

And to that, I say: 
Disclaimer: sass is about to be unleashed.

BULLSHIT. Everyone has their personal battles, some are obviously worse than others. But to whoever is reading this, take a quick moment to think of a time and setting where you wish it would have been more "socially acceptable," to say, feel, or do something in particular. What did people do in order to create an environment where you felt UNCOMFORTABLE with just being you? 
Now, take another moment to check yourself (before you wreck yourself), and wonder if you have ever made another person feel that level of discomfort that you previously experienced. (I'm not asking you to feel terrible, I'm just asking you to be aware). What could you have done differently to allow that person to feel more OKAY with who they are? We are all trying to live, pursue our dreams, and be okay in a complex and hypocritical, yet dynamic and beautiful society. 
SO PLEASE, do not be an ass and TAMPER with someone's inner strength, or with someone's effort to try and live their life to the best of their ability. AND ON TOP OF THAT, make the effort to create a space in which THEY FEEL more comfortable while being in your presence. 

You will feel better, and they will feel better. 
It's not the answer to all of our problems, but hell... it's a small step toward a much needed revolution of consciousness and defining of norms. 

Happy Monday errbody, and be kind to your neighbor and yourself.