Identity

Sometimes standing your ground on what you want your identity to be can be incredibly intimidating. It takes great courage to dismantle people's preconceived ideas of who you are -- especially people who have known you for years or in identity-specific settings. When you're further removed from your origins, you can feel more liberated to pursue the persona that you feel you've always had, or have always wanted to emit. When you are given this opportunity, and then placed back into a setting where people are cemented in the idea of who you used to be -- it can be challenging to maintain the new identity that you've grown into; it can be easy to pick up old habits/thought processes, and it can be uncomfortable to be insistent on the fact that you have, indeed, changed (especially when the people you're surrounding yourself with haven't necessarily changed, or can't identify with the new changes you have made -- so out of comfort you don't emphasize the new changes that you have made). 

I'm really seeking out to be comfortable with making situations a little bit uncomfortable, if it means that I am able to show others who I really am, and who I have grown into. I love it when others feel comfortable, but I shouldn't sacrifice my personal comfort and change who I have become to make others feel comfortable -- especially since they aren't actually taking the time to relearn me and my changes. As good of intentions these people may have, it is still disrespectful and hurtful that they can't take some time to see if I have changed over time. 

I keep procrastinating on how I truly carry out who I actually am; I keep waiting for there to be particular changes within myself and others, or I keep waiting for the perfect timing. And if I keep putting it off any longer, another year of dissatisfaction -- another year of not living my life as who I truly am --will soar by. And I'm tired of being afraid to truly show who I am; it shouldn't take a foreign country, where I know NO ONE, to let me completely grow into myself and show that identity to others. 

I've spent months trying to find certain ways to make myself comfortable with myself and showing others my identity, and within the past week, I've realized that I am the one prohibiting myself from being who I want to be -- not others. Others, and their judgments or oblivion, can serve as obstacles in regards to how easy it is for me to be who I want to be... but ultimately, I decide whether or not I let that redefine me. This realization, although simple, took time and much introspection to realize. And it will take even more practice for these ideologies to manifest themselves. But... in time, I will be fearless with self-expression and confidence. And, I am especially comforted by the fact that I have truly realized that today is the day to start making these changes.