Graduation

Graduation. There's so much to say. So much that comes to mind, and yet describing my emotions in a few coherent sentences seems impossible. I feel like a bipolar cave-woman every time I try to say how I feel about this experience -- optimism and hope pulling me in one direction, and absolute sheer terror pulling me in the other. My brain feels scattered, as it constantly thinks: 

change. life. growth. possibilities. fear. unknown. under-prepared. so very prepared. excited. terrified. adventurous. limited. unlimited. unrefined. polished. CHAOS. excitement. wonder. money. NO MONEY. travel. desk. foreign. abroad. local. bay area. environmental. grad school. FORGET IT ALL. bring it world. success. SQUIRREL (just kidding guys). health. 

These are just a smidgen of the things that are running through my brain. Like I said... I feel like a crazy person. Trying to calm down my ideas and just relax has definitely been nothing short of challenging. And at the same time, I'm trying to go with the flow and realize that the majority of graduates are feeling the exact same way that I am. 

The one feeling though that I can't seem to shake off is: loneliness. 

Seeing Berkeley, even just hours after general commencement ended, made me realize how many of my friends are not going to be in Berkeley for the summer and/or are permanently moving back home. 

I went from constantly being surrounded by some of the most amazing people I have ever met, to flying solo. It scared me the first few days. It jolted me and slapped me in the face... real, real hard. 

But, as I sit on my childhood bedroom floor, writing this blog post, I think back to nearly 10 months ago -- before I left for Italy. I was sitting in this same exact spot, sobbing and shaking with fear. And yet, Bologna turned out to be the best experience of my life. 

My ability to cope with change has become so much better, but I would be lying if part of me said I was not terrified for the future. 

I'm mainly scared about not blossoming into the person I've always wanted to be, and worried about meeting new people. I love meeting new people, but I'm so content with the people I know now. I worry about not living up to all of the dreams and goals I have set for myself. I really want to conquer all of them.

So for now, I just need to try and stay focused, positive, and driven. 

Love

Most of the time, I am a strong advocate of being an independent woman. 

Who says you need a partner to be happy, an "other" to define you, and make you feel whole. I strongly believe every person should feel whole without a partner in their life. 

However, there are those moments, where I just yearn for love. Yearn for moments with someone who makes you feel so comfortable, and gives you flutters. I've become more realistic as I've aged, but at the same time, I am the definition of a hopeless romantic. 

I dream of the ever-so-talked-about-girl-meets-boy-in-cafe scenario. 
The "finding your love in college" encounter. 
The walks, the fights, the dreams, the bucket-lists. 
The friendship that turns into something greater -- what you've always wanted. 
The traveling. The late night talks. 
The sparkle in each other's eyes, the one that never fades. 

I dream. I let my mind wander. I imagine. 

I then take a deep breath, and go back to focusing on me. 

Latte

It's the day before Mother's Day. 

I'm sitting in Cafe Mediterraneum -- the supposed place where the first latte was invented by the Italian owner in the 1q50's. My bias of Italian coffee made me apprehensive to trust the quality of the coffee here. I ordered the latte. 

Best coffee I've had since Italy. And suddenly: nostalgia. 

I'm in the upstairs areas of the cafe. The track-lighting is dim. There are mismatched chairs, small, round and cozy corner tables, and big ex-kitchen tables. The floor is checkered black and white, but it's scuffed, and dirty; many people have been here. The vibe is students, hipsters, women, men, different ethnicities. People with headphones, others listening to the soft piano music and the clanging and spurting of the coffee machine in the background. 

This morning/whole day I was with my mom, my Grandma, my aunt Laura, and my sister Stefani. We went to an old mansion in SF that had been remodeled; every room was decorated by a different designer. 

After we went to brunch at a place called Sweet Maple. While waiting for our reservation, we went into a spice shop. I sampled a black truffle sea salt -- it was incredible, the taste lingering in my mouth till we ate. The maple, spicy, grass-fed bacon at the restaurant was unreal. I had an asparagus omelette with the bacon, parmesan, asapargas, and hollandaise sauce sprinkled on top. 

After, we walked back to the car, stopping at an open house along the way. It was a studio that was for sale, and it reminded me of all the possibilities I'll have after college -- that day I buy or rent my own place in the city, or somewhere other than Berkeley. It gave me hope. It comforted me. 

We then headed to Berkeley, went to Ici, and now here I am, trying to write a paper on land-conflicts in Paraguay. 

When Bri and I first got here there was a man sitting in the corner, and he asked me how my day was going. Everyone assumes that when people say hi, they're trying to make a move on you. People can be nice now and then, ya know? It's no novel concept. I always tell strangers good morning or have a good day, and it was so refreshing to have that in return -- to see what a difference just saying hello can make. 

I'm content. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm at peace. I'm thrilled and disrupted, all at the same time. My feeling is great. 

My Manifesto

This is my Manifesto. I wrote this on March 10th in a book my mom got me on a weekend getaway to wine country. It's called What's on your top 10 list? It's been a rough week and semester and it was time for me to remember the passion I had right when I got back from Bologna. Tonight was so great though. wandered through campus with Annie, Mar, Judi, and Lauren. We ran through   sprinklers, climbed on buildings, laid in the grass, and laughed so hard we almost cried. But on that note,  here it goes, my Manifesto:

TRAVEL. Savor each and every person, thing, experience, and interaction that comes your way because you are not all-knowing, but you can still ingest the knowledge of different sectors of the world that you've been lucky enough to encounter. Be at peace. Be passionate and -- with love -- pursue the things that burn and fuel the fire inside your soul. Breathe easy, tread light, and strive willingly. Do not let the negatives define you. Appreciate yourself and how much good you have in your life. Do not settle -- your life is brilliant and precious, and with exquisite courage -- you can truly do anything you desire. Be good. Do good. Continuously ask yourself -- Am I happy, do I feel challenged -- if you're not. Then change it.

Presence

I'm sure we've all heard that the people you surround yourself with are the people you become. Especially the 5 people you're around the most. And even though Berkeley stresses me out so much, I think I have finally found a balance of people in my life at Cal that provide such an amazing sense of comfort and ease. 

The presence of the people in my life is filled with peace, humor, and understanding. Drive and aspirations. Curiosity and support. 

This blend of characteristics is so humbling, refreshing, and stimulating all at the same time. I'm so lucky to have the people that I have in my life. 

Whether it's someone from cal, bologna, white stag, my family, or my childhood friends -- I am so thankful for all of these people and the presence they bring to my life. 

Grace

I think Italy taught me how to handle situations with grace. I still crack every now and then, but I feel like I'm able to catch myself more, or if I do crack, it's more legitimate. 

I think there's a difference between letting yourself FEEL when you're sad, and having a pity party. A difference between being strong to grow and better yourself, and just covering it all up. There's this intricate balance with confronting what's going on, but not necessarily wearing your emotions on your sleeve. I'm getting better at that... with just, being at peace and all. 

Letting yourself feel, but appreciating the fact that you can feel, and that things aren't as bad as they really can be. If you're physically hurt, appreciate the fact that it can be a lot worse, and that, GUESS WHAT, you're alive and still have the ability to actually feel. I think we get so caught up in our limitations, that we forget how lucky we are. 

Rush to Live

We live in a country that believes in expediting everything; knowledge, time, money, resources, interactions -- everything. 

In school you're supposed to work incredibly hard, sacrificing beautiful Sundays for days indoors with a 30 page study guide. You're supposed to spend  4 years cramming as much as you can into your head and stressing yourself out, all to find an 8-5 career that consumes the rest of your life as soon as you graduate. 

Is this what we define as happiness, as "living the dream?" I get it. We need money to function. But who says you have to stress yourself out so much to learn everything. Why do we function this way? Why do we surpass spending more time getting to know others, ourselves, and this amazing world just so we can try to memorize pages of material. 

I learned more while I was abroad than I have ever -- and will ever -- learn in a classroom or in a job. And yet, it feels somewhat impossible for not just me -- but others who studied abroad as well -- to apply what we've learned. 

We have a society that puts expectations, dreams, norms, education, behavior, and characteristics into the tiniest, most rigid box that it can find. And for some reason, we all "enjoy" being in there. We all "enjoy" being incredibly busy as life just passes us by. We love foregoing interactions, not getting to know people. 

We love racing to the finish line in life, and by the time we get there, we realize we never saw anything along the way -- we didn't see who we were passing, who was cheering for us, what was surrounding us. We just made it to the finish line, and received the medal, the reward, and the recognition. 

In Morocco, the most distinct interaction that I remember was with a merchant who taught us how people shake hands. He said, Americans and European just shake hands, and drop their hands, they let the interaction and the moment fall. He said, WE shake hands and then put our hand over our hearts. 

A complete stranger taught me so much, and was so personal with me. I think that really says a lot that I found more depth in an hour with a stranger, than I do with some people I've known for years. 

So stop rushing. Open yourselves up. Let the world show you what it's made of, and show the world what you're made of, but do it slowly. Be timely. Don't rush to live.