Coldplay

Listening to Coldplay, and realizing how much I miss you. 

Before I left Italy, we talked about what it's like to immerse yourself back into your original culture; how long it takes to "feel back to normal," how other people act toward you (near and far), and what the plane ride was like for you and what it would be like for me on the way home.

We started this conversation because I was listening to Clocks in my room. You heard it, and shouted "Bella questa canzone!" 

We both walked into the kitchen. You told me you listened to Coldplay the whole way home, and that you'd give me every single Coldplay song so I could listen to it on the way home. 

When I got on the plane, this was the first song I played. I cried so hard. It was also the last song I listened to while landing in SF. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iE4Z9jRZ_c

Words can't describe how much I miss you. 
The fact we met -- what were the odds? 
What were the odds that you'd have such an incredible affect on my life? 

Slim to none of course... but I'm so glad we met. I'm so glad that, even though we're separated by the entire United States and the Atlantic, we keep in touch. 

List

In recent days, I've seen that I've become disconnected from myself. Sooo, I'm keeping an ongoing list of things that entail who I am and what it means to be in my life. I'll keep updating this over time. 

Summary:
Deep conversations
Meditation
Conversations with strangers
Exploring
Getting lost
Day trips
Vacations
Laughter and positivity
Lack of negativity
Uncontrollable laughter
My family
My friends, 
and socializing and laughing with all of them. 
My appetite. 
Musical outbursts
Music all of the time. 
Reading
Going out dancing
Sad AND LOTS OF happy tears
My imagination
My spontaneity 
My curiosity 
My NEED to travel and have those desires and the qualities of a traveler EVERY SINGLE DAY. 
My dreams
Walks in the rain.
Summer night walks
Late night walks
Early morning walks
Projects
Success
LIVING
Being okay with feeling
Being okay with making a complete and total fool of yourself
Wine tasting
Beaches
Kayaking
EXERCISE 
Acceptance of the real me.
Indecision when it's inconvenient

I am: 
A writer -- I frequently write poetry and want to write a book, or a few, some day. 
A photographer -- Photography is a huge passion of mine, as well as other forms of art (painting/drawing), and to understand that is incredibly important. 
Open -- I love meeting new people, being truthful/open with those I know, and trying to learn as much as I possibly can from every person. I never want my morals to be so rigid that I feel I can't learn from someone else. 
Positive -- I always try to put a positive spin on everything, and be at peace. 
Sensitive/Aware -- I'm incredibly aware of my own feelings, how others are feeling, and how I make others feel. I always want people to be comfortable, and I want to do whatever I can to make those I love be comfortable and have a happy life. 
Detail-oriented -- I want to not only be detailed with everything I do in life, but I also am incredibly aware of all of the details around me and within others.
Loving -- I will give every one my heart. Every person I meet is going to be greeted with love and care. 
Adventurous/Active -- I need an active and busy life. I need to constantly explore. 
Demanding -- I won't settle for a mediocre life. I'm also emotionally demanding. 
Accepting -- I will always be accepting of people and what makes them unique, but in relationships I do raise the bar more. I will love someone no matter what, but that doesn't mean I should accept a lazy partner in a relationship just because I'll be accepting of them. Personalities and lifestyles are infectious, and I want to surround myself by driven, positive, and lovely people. 
A learner -- I love to constantly learn and be challenged, and I want to be with someone, and be surround by people, who will continuously teach me new things, and is.are also willing to learn. 
Talkative -- Self-explanatory. 

Mindfulness

I'm reading an incredible book right now. It has to do with spirituality, being at peace with yourself, and taking care of the Earth. 

I came a across a quote today that resonated with me so incredibly much. It was under the section "The Foundation of Happiness:" 

"Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental awareness of all that is happening inside and around us. It takes us back to the foundation of happiness, which is being present in the here and now... We can be mindful of our breath, our footsteps, our thoughts, and our actions. Mindfulness requires that we bring all our attention to whatever we're doing, whether walking or breathing, brushing our teeth, or eating a snack." 

I've let myself get caught up in stress. I'm dwelling on the past, and so anxious about the future. I keep trying to rush through the present because there's so many things I don't want to confront, or too many things I am trying to confront at once. But not being mindful is detrimental. 

I need to be more mindful. It can be frustrating when in certain settings, or in the past, it seemed so effortless -- to be mindful. And that mindfulness fluidly and graciously opened me up to the feeling of happiness and gratitude. But I need to reengage with mindfulness to remind myself of what I already have, who I am, and how much I have to be grateful for. 

I will find balance between operating in a high-paced society, and being someone who likes to savor, slow down, and enjoy the beautiful things that so many people are unfortunately blind to. 

Just because others are blind, doesn't mean I need to be blind. And if I make myself be more open, mindful, and aware -- I can indirectly encourage others to do so by leading by example. 

Spread

My sense of inner peace frequently waxes and wanes. 

Currently, part of it is due to changes and adaptations, but otherwise I can't completely explain why it is happening. 

It's frustrating. We have control over our minds, but at what point does trying to change your mentality get stifled by your circumstances? 

I know working and living alone has been having an affect on me. And I'm trying so hard to appreciate how much I've grown and how independent I've come, but scientifically speaking -- people need to touch and interact with other people. 

Before taking this job, I knew I was a social person -- but I didn't think I was that social; I really loved my alone time. And I still do. But I like choosing when to be alone. Some of my favorite days in Bologna were when I was completely by myself and wandering through the city.

But I was choosing to be alone, and also knew I could befriend someone new and interesting at any given moment (in addition to all of the incredible people who were already in my life).

I have learned now, that I truly do love and need people.

We take human interaction and touch for granted. 

Before starting this job, I already believed that everyone deserved to be accepted and loved, but after knowing what it feels like to be completely on your own -- I think people should take an extra effort to be perceptive and caring of every person that crosses their path. Small conversations and friendly smiles really can make a difference in someone's day.

So, spread your light and spread warm gestures. They'll help people more than you could ever know. 

practice

I think I take for granted the importance of practicing. 

When I learn something, my ego gets the best of me, and assumes that newly obtained knowledge, habits, and perspectives will for always be there. 

And that is incredibly false. 

So. so. so. false. 

Our minds are adaptive. And habitualness -- in certain forms and structures -- is vital for the persistence of lifestyles, ideas, knowledge, and mindsets.

For example, I know the importance of gratitude. I know what writing does for me. But, there's a reason why I haven't written on this blog in over 2 months; I know what writing and gratitude does for me and how important it is, but because I know, I thus forget to practice. 

If I feel that a day had events that were too insignificant to write about, or to express gratitude toward, than my mind will eventually make a habit out of the idea of "insignificance." I even further belittle myself by thinking I don't deserve that time to unwind and unravel the small -- and what I should see as -- beautiful moments of my day. 

My mind is tangled, serrated, free-flowing, and jumbled. Writing helps make things coherent in a chaotic, but orderly, fashion. 

Everyone needs a little bit of order in their lives. Our bodies, our existence, is order in the midst of a sea of chance. The more I mimic, record, devour, inspect, and appreciate what is around me, the more I exercise my ability as a thing, as an entity, that has been granted the chance to live....

Body

My body is not perfect or imperfect. It simply is. Just as you are, and I am. 
It carries my thoughts, my blood, my wishes, and my history. 
In a society packed with critiques, images, and skewed ideas of standard body proportions -- it is often proven to be a treacherous road to acceptance. 
Media has taught me to loathe my bone structure. My strength. My muscles. My height. My skin. 
I have been trained to be continuously unsatisfied with the state of my body. I have never been shown by mainstream what it actually means to distinguish healthy from deprivation, strength from starvation. 
The majority does not teach us the path to self-acceptance. We instead must find quiet institutions, that are unknown and/or unsupported by society, to discover what it means to be a person, with your own undefinable and unique proportions. 
We are not taught by society to put good food into our bodies. We are told to deprive, IN ADDITION to ignoring the ethical, biological, and economical logistics of the food that advertising and corporations encourage us to eat. 
We are not taught to put love into the earth that has provided the resources that made AND maintain this body that we have, that I have, that you have. We are not taught to make those resources whole, genuine, and nutritious. We are not taught that our body, our food, and our earth deserves to be: 
loved
adored
worshiped
appreciated
cared for
fed
savored
We pick. We count. We dread. We feel guilt. We reject what makes us people, women, beings, human. 
And yet, we are judged from deviating from that framework. JUDGED for acceptance, love, and happiness... the very things people in this country claim to be exhaustively and blindly in PURSUIT of. 
It's time for some restructuring in this country. It is time to restructure our minds and stop trying to restructure our bodies. Because to be in a place where you are looked down upon for loving who you are, in body, mind, and spirit -- and for caring for your body and what you put into it -- is insanity. 
This is my body: 

It does not need your approval, your opinion, or your critiques. Because it just is. And it always will simply just be, for the rest of the time that I proceed to exist on this planet that has made me. This planet that has made us. And sustains us. 

I hope you have the courage to realize it. live it. breathe it. radiate it. 

Gratitude

As I have stated a million times -- quite possibly to the point where it becomes nauseating to hear again, sorry guys  -- I've been on the difficult journey of becoming at peace with myself again (since my return from Italy). 

It took me a few months in Italy to get to that state of flow and ease I had. I learned how to operate and be at peace within the Italian culture. Thus, being transplanted to the stress-ridden culture of the Untied States in under 24 hours proved to be a surprisingly huge obstacle in my continuance of peace on the mainland. 

I assumed that the lifestyle I had adopted over those 6 months before was totally ingrained in me. And, to a degree, it was. But I let it become clouded and filled with barriers without even noticing it. 

When I got back to the United States, I was hyper-aware of every single way that the States was worse/different/separate from Italy. I tried to be thankful for what was around me, but it was difficult to savor a culture that doesn't really savor. I kept comparing it to Italy, seeing where it faulted and fell short. 

My education and majors didn't help with this much either; my courses are centered around combating the problems of this nation, our culture, and the world (or more so the problems that we cause in this world). Which is so beautiful and inspiring, but.... it doesn't exactly restore your faith and level of gratitude toward the USA. 

I knew this is why I was having such a difficult time. I tried writing and speaking about, and even emoting, how I was grateful for various aspects of the California and States' culture. But deep down -- I was still hooked on Italy and I was truly living in the past. A day didn't go by where I didn't think of Italy -- what I would be doing that day if I were still there, what I was doing exactly a year ago on that day, etc. 

After months of grinding away and practicing gratitude, engaging in art, surrounding myself with the most BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL people, getting in touch with nature, reading, meditating, exercising, and listening to music, I have found myself entering a state of peace again. I can't give anyone a formula that will grant you happiness and a state of peace in a specific timeline, but I can say this:

Fight for gratitude and happiness will come your way. 
I don't mean stress yourself out over finding gratitude, but I do mean, persevere through the haze, push through the moments where connectivity lacks, and strive for what you deserve. Appreciate the journey, as hard as that may be, and keep your surroundings as positive as possible. Let yourself be vulnerable, and feel. 

It took me about 8-9 months to reengage with this state of peace. I'm still not as peaceful as I was in Italy. In Italy I had this sense of flow. Every situation was greeted with the same neutrality (by this I don't mean lack of emotions) and tranquility. However, I have found a new form of gratitude and happiness. 

I don't think I will ever be able to express the power of gratitude, vulnerability, presence, and warmth and how the realization of their importance has transformed my life and my understanding of myself.