Spaces

**note, this post is just about spaces, and what YOU can do to make others feel comfortable. this post does not acknowledge the many layers of complexities that go into people's ability to access, or live within, said spaces. and it definitely does not acknowledge global dynamics. 

I value cultivating spaces in which myself, and others, feel comfortable, open, and able to explore interests, discussions, and who they are. 

Personal internal dialogue and interest exploration -- and expression -- is often stigmatized as a private entity within the United States; public or open declaration of our struggles, curiosities, or desires is unwarranted unless it fits certain criteria on how it's delivered, what the content is, and who the audience is. Pursuing vulnerability, or raw and wounded desires, is not easily welcomed by the masses, and it's especially not welcomed on social media (excluding sites like tumblr, which thankfully encourage and accept a sense of anonymity to people's profiles, due to our society's general void of spaces that allow for intimate communities and dialogues of self-expression). 

To many, there is obviously an ever-so-delicate line between "over-sharing" and voicing something that needs to be unleashed, but just because someone says something deep, unusual, or profound, DOES NOT mean it's over-sharing. 

Over-sharing is not only relative to every individual, but it is -- in part -- caused by our society's suppression of those gnawing or blooming thoughts that creep up within us every day. 

The ones you act on, or don't act on. 
The ones that paralyze you, or ignite you. 
The ones you wish you could just shout, or proclaim as soon as they arise. 

We've all had these thoughts at least once in our lives: 
To deny this, means to accept one's self-cementing in our society's fear of confrontation and the act of feeling.

I'm not happy. 
I am happy.
I really need someone to talk to. 
I LIKE YOU. 
That made me cry/tear up/sad/angry/happy.
We should kiss. 
I deserve better.
You deserve better. 
I know we just met, but you're wicked (or insert other desired adjective) cool and I know we hardly know each other, but we should be friends. 
I NEED (LOVE, A HUG, FOOD, ADVENTURE, YOU)
This isn't what I want my life to be like. 
THIS IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED. 
I want to change. 
LISTEN. 
I feel like I've known you for years.
I miss you. 
Woah, you're attractive.
I am okay. 
I AM _______.
I AM NOT ________. 

We NEED more spaces and resources that support a sense of COMFORT, a sense of OKAY; a reassurance that all that we feel, think, believe, want to say, don't say, actually say, and desire is OKAY. 

We all have these long internal checklists of 

how we're supposed to present ourselves, 
what we're supposed to pursue, 
how we're supposed to engage with others, and 
what we're supposed to say; 
these things are limiting and restrict many people's happiness, openness, and curiosity. 

And yet, despite wanting to say, feel, obtain, or shout something so badly, the majority quietly continues on with these stifling patterns, habits, and expectations. We continue with fear of expression and confrontation and thus let moments greet us and leave us without making the most of that exact moment, because we were too scared to mold or contort societal norms. 

And to that, I say: 
Disclaimer: sass is about to be unleashed.

BULLSHIT. Everyone has their personal battles, some are obviously worse than others. But to whoever is reading this, take a quick moment to think of a time and setting where you wish it would have been more "socially acceptable," to say, feel, or do something in particular. What did people do in order to create an environment where you felt UNCOMFORTABLE with just being you? 
Now, take another moment to check yourself (before you wreck yourself), and wonder if you have ever made another person feel that level of discomfort that you previously experienced. (I'm not asking you to feel terrible, I'm just asking you to be aware). What could you have done differently to allow that person to feel more OKAY with who they are? We are all trying to live, pursue our dreams, and be okay in a complex and hypocritical, yet dynamic and beautiful society. 
SO PLEASE, do not be an ass and TAMPER with someone's inner strength, or with someone's effort to try and live their life to the best of their ability. AND ON TOP OF THAT, make the effort to create a space in which THEY FEEL more comfortable while being in your presence. 

You will feel better, and they will feel better. 
It's not the answer to all of our problems, but hell... it's a small step toward a much needed revolution of consciousness and defining of norms. 

Happy Monday errbody, and be kind to your neighbor and yourself. 

Shape

Never be afraid of the world's ability to shape you, and never doubt your capacity to shape the world. 

In an individualistic and capitalist society, we place to much emphasis on the individual. Of course being an individual is so incredibly important; every person needs to be aware of their worth and all of their lovely qualities. 

However, coming from someone who works alone in the woods and lives in a tiny town, a sense of community, and human interaction is necessary (at least for me) to live a fulfilling and blooming life. 

Living and working alone has helped shed light on how much a simple interaction with a complete stranger can, dare I say, change your life and also theirs. Traveling made me incredibly open to meeting new people, and how others can teach you so much about yourself and the world. But, hypocritically, I feel like I'm more hesitant to be open with people in the US. Maybe it's because our culture is so individualized, that sometimes I feel like I can't always fearlessly approach others like I do when I'm traveling? 
Anyway, experiencing isolation has instilled in me, quite a bit more courage, to get to know, and learn from, others. I've stopped caring so much about whether or not people think I'm weird for being social and friendly.

And as odd as it may sound, I've found that if you truly want everyone you encounter to be happy and to feel loved, they will pick up on that vibe from you, and will be even more open to talking with you; they will be more likely to return the feeling of love and happiness. 

If you walk out your door, each morning, with this vibe and with these positive intentions for yourself and the rest of the world -- your simple loving-kindness will change someone's day, and in turn they will be more likely to be open with you and CHANGE YOUR DAY. Idealistically, I believe that almost everyone is secretly seeking a feeling of being interconnected. We all are wrapped up in our iPhones and social networks, which only provide a cover-up for our desire of social interaction. And since we're so used to hiding behind the letters of a keyboard, we're too scared and paralyzed by societal norms to take the first step in interacting with a stranger. 

So, take a moment, and indulge in the feeling of love and kindness; wish that others feel loved and accepted. And then, make the first move in getting to know someone. Let's increase the level of reciprocal grace and circular flow in our lives. 

While you're at it, listen to these kickin' tunes; they'll put a pep in your step and will make you want to take on, and shape, the world that I, you, and we, live in... I promise. 

http://www.colbertnation.com/lake-street-dive

INSPIRE

Yes. 

YES.



and, oh....

YESSS!!!!!! 

That is all. Happy reading loves.  

http://thoughtcatalog.com/stephanie-althoff/2014/02/you-should-fall-in-love-with-someone-who-inspires-you/#YZ7bugwFhvvKV7Uh.01

Brink

I love when a series of reaffirming events occur; moments that all solidify the same particular belief, hope, or action. 

I feel like I'm on the brink of something exquisite right now. Granted, it has taken much practice and patience to get to this point, and will require even more in the future, but it's still a long-lost feeling that I've been missing and craving. 

This morning I was able to successfully meditate for the first time in months. When I say successful, I don't necessarily mean that I came out of my meditation session with all of my problems answered and a completely clear mind. By successful, I mean that I was able to embrace and endure raw, intense, and deep emotions without running away from them. That was such an incredible feeling -- to know that I'm progressing in my ability to love myself again.

Throughout the past few weeks, so many resources have been coming my way that have been helped me gather up tools to improve how I view myself. 

I'm always so kind, open, and loving with others, and I feel like one of my biggest challenges is treating myself just how I treat others. When I am at peace with myself though, I notice that my ability to transcend love is of course much, much stronger. 

I want to feel the love I give to others, and then intensify the level of love I feel and give to others. 

Everyone deserves to feel loved and accepted. I love making people feel this way -- we have enough things in society that makes us doubt ourselves, so why would anyone choose to behave in such a way that makes others feel so bad about themselves, if WE ALL KNOW that almost all of us are having enough internal battles as it is!?! But with that said, I also need to make myself feel this way, not just others. 

To make myself self-love though, I need to confront the things I've been trying to avoid. I read a few quotes today that sum it up so nicely, and I'm honestly so excited to be in a good place again:

"By becoming intimate with how we close down and how we open up, we awaken our unlimited potential." 

"Unconditional good heart toward others is not even a possibility unless we attend to our own [problems]. Everything we encounter thus becomes an opportunity for practicing loving-kindness." 

Realms

Being swept in swirling, consuming, and effervescent warmth; the thought alone quenches my thirst for company and adventure. 

I am both calmed and ignited by the thought of the archaic, and the perpetuity of modernity; the juxtapositions, the melting, the commingling of it all. Spaces that allow contradictions to grind, evolve, and persist will always steal and reaffirm my heart. Spaces that allow opposites to just be, will always provide comfort. Coexisting, in any form, is a type of existence that is under-pursued and underrated. 

I will always be weak at the knees at the thought of, or encountering of, a place that transgresses the normal, and allows me to transgress the normal. 

I dream of resuscitating behaviors, habits, and charisma that are unleashed in these places. My mind becomes encapsulated by expectations, customs, and  my location. A lack of warm, a lack of clash, a lack of melding can nourish an environment that pulls me into "the uncomfortably comfortable."  

The uncomfortably comfortable is the realm of bitterly habitual cycles and old patterns. I want to simply live in the comfortably uncomfortable; the realm of the invigorating unknown and undiscovered new. 

I want to revivify my life, reinstate the comfortably uncomfortable. 

I don't want to exist as or portray the identity I have within the uncomfortably comfortable. 

Finding the power to do so can be simple and yet incredibly difficult; one must confront fears, accept awkward moments, dance with alienation, and acquire courage. 

For 2014, I hope to unearth the skills I know I have, but have hesitantly buried. 

Guiding Light

I think I may have just found one of the most beautiful articles I have ever read. The article is called "19 things I wish someone had told me before I turned 20 so I didn't waste a decade." 

It ranges on the subjects of knowing what type of people to keep in your life, knowing your self-worth, understanding that loneliness does happen, how healing works, and also consciously knowing what activities/hobbies/passions you need to do on a daily/weekly/monthly basis in order to stay sane and happy. 

I've never identified so much with an article before. I feel so empowered in this moment. This article will truly be a guiding light for how I carry out the rest of my interactions in life. 

For convenience, I have 1-19 listed below, and I'll also post the article link. The italicized is what's from the article, the writing below each number is my commentary:  

1. It is okay to leave anyone and anything and anyplace that makes you feel like shit. It's hard, but it's okay. And bump explaining anything to anyone, unless you want to. Let them wonder. 

       This is so powerful. Just acknowledging the fact, and knowing, that you have the option to abandon anything that brings toxicity into your life is powerful. It may be, and probably will be, difficult -- but you can do it, and NO ONE, but yourself has to approve of or know why you're doing it. 

2. Know who you are. Not just on some touchy-feely-fuzzy-pretty-on-the-inside tip, but knowing who you are racially, culturally, in relationship to your sexuality, gender and your class -- is a source of your power. You define that for you. Don't even let anyone else tell you who you are. This may change in time, as you grow and learn more. That's okay. Manage any shame or guilt you may feel through acts of accountability. 

         This is one of the main reasons why I miss Italy. I was in a sphere where I wasn't even remotely close to anyone who had any preconceived idea of who I really was (or wasn't near anyone who would judge me for wanting to be who I really wanted to be). I need to actively remind myself that, even though I may not be in a foreign place, I can transform myself and be anyone who I want to be. When I came back form Italy I got so many negative comments about my change in eating habits, appearance, style, and so much more. I got tired of having to justify myself -- so I conformed. Well lesson learned: don't conform, deal with being uncomfortable for a little bit and having an awkward situation with some IF IT MEANS that you get to be who you really want to be, and last but not least... you don't have to explain ANYTHING to ANYONE. You can exactly who you want to be, and fulfill what you believe to be your identity. If people think you're weird for that -- forget them. 

3. Be accountable for what you do. This means owning up to how you mess up, just as must as it means owning and defending the contested space you fill. You will mess up, and only you can seek atonement for this. You will need to defend yourself, and rarely will anyone do that work for you. Acknowledging both your mistakes and your right as equally important. 

           If there is one thing I pride myself on, it's my ability to say, "Yes, I messed up," and then genuinely apologize and proceed to learn form my wrongdoings. I hate hurting people, but I accept the life changing properties that a mistake has lined in its threads. I believe in the malleability of our souls, style, persona, vibes, intentions, and thoughts; you deserve to be in a sphere where you are allowed to flourish after you destroy. When you fail, admit you fail -- but never quit. Get back up, learn from it, and move forward as the person you want to be, and abandon the essence you never want to return to. 

4. They will call you crazy. You are a woman. There is no way of going through the world in the moment we live in and not get called crazy by someone, often someone you wish would see you as deeply sane. You are not crazy. The world is crazy. If you are affected by this imbalanced, unjust world, it only proves that you are a sentient being with some sense of empathy.  

             I let myself be moved by the imbalanced rhythms of the world and the people around me -- sometimes too much. But the imperfections of the world move me. inspire me. drive me. to spread love to myself, others, and the world. As crazy as it sounds, I am literally in love with the world. It took years for me to embrace me and my own imperfections, and once I found that love -- I wanted nothing more than to have others across the world feel that very same love for themselves and their surroundings. People view me as too deep, too analytical, or even crazy for having such a passionate love or -- as they say -- idealism, for people I've never met, places I've never been, and lifestyles I've never been a part of, but 1. I shouldn't care what they think, and 2. I feel sorry for people who have such apathy in their hearts that they can't allow themselves to openly love the people and world around them. 

5. Empathy is built. You need to learn to really listen. This means listening without thinking about how it relates to you, or planning the next thing you are going to say. This means seeing everyone, regardless of who they are, as a human being. You cannot really be a human being unless you regard everyone as such, even your greatest nemeses and the gravest perpetrators. All of our damage comes from somewhere. Yours and everyone else's. Learn to listen to others. Learn to listen to yourself. Empathy cannot exist without really, deeply listening first. 

            We all have been damaged in some way. Communicate it. Share it. Listen to it. Learn from it. There is so much to gain and learn. Be kind to others, because everyone has some struggle, they're going through. And we're all caged into this society that doesn't believe in people truly feeling and expressing dark or difficult emotions. But instead we paint a false picture of how rosy are lives are and just let things hurt more -- when all the while we just want someone to talk to. So, TALK TO PEOPLE. Be empathetic. LOVE. People everywhere are dying to just talk to someone, and to lean on someone. So please, open your eyes and be receptive. 

6. You are going to have moments of unbearable pain. It takes time to learn how to heal yourself. And healing sometimes leaves scars. Healing is sometimes incomplete. Think of your scars as battle-wounds -- evidence of how much wiser you are now -- maps of where not to return. Cherish these scars and honor them. There will comes time when they are the only reminder of where you have been, and how much you still need to grow. 

             In a time where I'm healing, and trying to get to a better place -- this is so lovely to hear. I will take pride in the fact that I'm learning more about myself, and what territories I should never venture to -- ever again. 

7. You are going to have moments of unbearable loneliness. You need to learn how to love being with yourself, because ultimately, no one has the potential to love you like you can. It is beautiful to love and be loved, but these are just hints as to how to regard yourself. If you regard yourself highly, and learn to turn loneliness into soothing solitude, you will be capable of giving and receiving truly transformative love.

               This is my largest battle. Working by myself and living in a tiny town has it's challenges and has tested my self-love more than anything else ever has. To learn to be okay with that solitude is the most paralytic, yet empowering state of being I have ever been cemented in. It has definitely put me out of my comfort zone and has shined a glaring, beaming, blinding light onto cracks in my personal foundation of health and happiness that I didn't know I had. Like any renovation, it takes time, money, effort, sweat, and tears to rebuild. But I'm doing that, and I'm coming back stronger than ever. 

8. Find something that makes you feel like the world makes sense, even if you can't justify it intellectually to yourself or anyone else. Personally, if I don't rock a wall, get up, get laid, get down on a dancefloor, read a good book, write a poem, listen to a mind-blowing record or have a soul-shaking, satisfying conversation at least once a week, the world doesn't make sense to me and I am unmoored. If i Don't get these things for a month, I become a total inconsolable wreck. This wreck can easily snowball into all kinds of self-destruction. Find what works for you and be loyal to it as a loyalty to yourself. 

                 THIS IS EVERYTHING. Literally everything. I need adventure, dancing, music, spontaneity, books, writing, TOUCH, passion, those soul-shaking conversations, laughter, and information that shakes my perceptions of the world we live in. And I do need these things to happen weekly, if not daily. I think this is also one of the reasons why I've experienced this period of loneliness and personal frustration -- I've become disengaged with the things that stimulate me and make me appreciate the world. I've become wrapped up in the habitual, and I am not a habitual person. 

9. The world you live in is sick. This sickness creeps into all of us, and in many it manifests as an inability to love oneself, let alone others. Some of those afflicted with a parasitic strain of this illness will latch onto you as a host. You may believe it is part of your nature to nurture and support endlessly. These people will eat your love whole, and you with it, and leave you as a husk. You can grow again from your husk, but it will be hard, and it takes time and the training of betrayal and heartbreak to learn to trust yourself enough to determine who is worthy of your trust. Do not let anyone ride you. Only walk with those who will walk side by side with you, as an equal. 

              Don't surround yourself with people who aren't even trying to make themselves a better person; who aren't trying to love themselves. There's a difference between someone who says they want to change, and does nothing. And someone who says they want to change, but feels -- and is -- stuck. I let one particular person literally suck the life out of me. Their dislike for themselves, their dispassionate and hopeless approach to life was so draining. Selfishly, and in a very conceited way, I thought I could be that light, that sunshine, that would make them see things differently. And not only was I not that person -- which stupidly hurt my ego -- but I also got sucked into their sick and unfortunate mindset. And it is so hard to get those type of people out of your life once you let them in to the most personal parts of who you are. BUT it can happen. And it will happen. It just takes work. 

10. Do not mess with lovers that don't prioritize your pleasure. That can look like a lot of different things, and you're probably still figuring it out. Don't put up with lovers that don't give you room to explore, to express, and above all -- if a love is only focused on using you as a vessel to reach their plateau -- be out. This doesn't mean to ignore your partner's pleasure, but rather to see yours as of equal worth. 

             Again, don't surround yourself with people who don't truly care about your well-being. Some people might care, but they don't do anything to help you progress and grow. Exploration, expression, and a passion for things/people/the world is so key for my success and happiness. To not be around people who share that same ideal is dangerous. To surround yourself with people like that does turn you into a vessel, and it rids you of what makes you special. 

11. You are not responsible for the actions of those who hated themselves so much that they hurt you. 

               I truly feel fortunate that I have been able to figure this one out and let go of so many things. People are hurting, and need some way to soften the hurt -- so they bash others in the process. Words and actions can hurt you, but don't let those thins dictate the way you live. Especially when you realize that person was insecure and just trying to lift themselves up.

12. Collectivism is a beautiful concept, and something worth constantly striving toward and building. Collectivism has radically changed and challenged unjust structures and institutions. But if you sacrifice your own survival for the benefit of the whole, you will find yourself wringing your hands and questioning the meaning of your life and doubting the worth of others in light of their unabashed self-interest. Find a balance. 

                WORD. Never be so individualistic you forget others, but never be so into the collective that you forget who you are, and stop taking care of yourself.

13. Do not carry broken people who are not in the process of rebuilding themselves. 

              This is probably one of the greatest lessons that I've learned, and am in the process of still digesting. Like I said earlier, there is a great difference in someone who is struggling, but trying to get better, and someone who is struggling but is wallowing in their misery. We all have hard times, and it is more okay -- if not necessary -- to proclaim when we are struggling, and ask for help. But that's just it -- you're asking for help. That is so much different than making hopeless proclamations that you have no intention of acting upon or growing from. The mentalities of broken people, who are not rebuilding themselves, are contagious. And on top of that contagion, you will most likely start to feel like shit because you put so much time into trying to help someone who really has no intention of ever utilizing your help. It's a vicious and terrible cycle. RUN FROM IT. and never look back. 

14. You are not your job. Your job is simply a paycheck and you are probably not compensated what you are worth and it is not your fault -- you inherited a broken economic system, and you will not be the first generation to fight for your right to live. But you need to fight for your right to live, in solidarity, with those are you who are also struggling. 

             Our truth worth is so much more than a paycheck. However, I still aspire to find a job that I truly love. 

15. Going to college is an accomplishment. It does not, however, make you better than anyone else. It doesn't make you essentially more intelligent. You never really make it "out" of the class you came from, and you never really make it "in" to the class you aspired to. 

              One thing that traveling and conversing with others (especially elderly) has taught me, is that schooling is merely another vehicle people can use to learn; it is most certainly not the only way to gain or gauge intelligence. There are so many different ways to acquire knowledge, and there are so many different types of knowledge to acquire. To put intelligence in a box is not only detrimental to others and ourselves, but it is incredibly detrimental to societal progression and advancement. 

16. If you cannot translate what you have learned from whatever access you've had back to wherever you came from, then you have not gained anything-- you have changed. Assimilation is a choice. Seek to be a translator. Seek to share your access to those who you may have left behind. Seek to disrupt the structures that taught those of us who gained more access that we are worth more than where we left, and less than what we found ourselves among. 

                  This is so very powerful. I always aspire to be a translator. There's such an openness and fluidity to being a translator. Things aren't compartmentalized and contorted; when you translate, things shine, spread, reflect, and share. This process, when felt and executed, in the most internally fulfilling feeling. My friend Adena posted a quote on her blog the other day, and I think it sums up the idea of translating so eloquently: "I consider myself a stained-glass window. And this is how I live my life. Closing no doors and covering no windows; I am the multi-colored glass with light filtering through me, in many different shades. Allowing light to shed and fall into many many hues. My job is not to direct anything, but only to filter into many colors. My answer is destiny and my guide is joy. And there you have me."

17. Never take validation too deeply to heart. This is especially true of those who came up entrenched in the age of social media. The gaze of hegemony is always on us. Find validation in the ratio between how positively you impact yourself and others versus how you mess up and hurt others. You will hurt others. Be accountable for this, when you need to be, and always be mindful of how often that happens in relation to those you help grow. None of us can be saints, but we can be salient and sentient. 

            The need for validation in today's age and within today's aspiring-to-be-mono-cultured-society is so unreal. I feel it. I feel it every day. I'm in this world of trying to fulfill societal expectations, while simultaneously trying to deviate from that terrible way of conducting my life, WHILE simultaneously having people realize that I'm one of "those" people who make the effort to be different and try to break the norms of society. It's oxymoronic. On top of this, it is definitely important to be mindful of how you conduct yourself and treat others, especially if you're getting wrapped up in the pursuit of your goals, dreams, self-worth, and life-plan. Be different, be bold, but be kind. 

18. Take your struggle to your community, and find community in those whose struggles intersect. It is only within one another that we will ever make sense of this destroyed world and it's corrupt ideology that we've inherited. Fight. Fight. Fight. 

             Communication, sharing, and connected mindfulness is essential. We all need to take care of our struggles. We all need to be mindful and regain consciousness of the world we're in, who we are, what we want to be, and where we are going. We must do this individually and collectively. We need a revolution of consciousness, internally and externally, that carries itself in continuous, reciprocal rhythms. 

19. You are inherently valuable. You have worth. Ask no one for permission. 

               Again, going off what I said earlier. We live in a society where there are so many defined ideas of what it means to be successful, beautiful, worthy, intelligent, strong, and full of potential. We often feel that we need the validation of others who TRULY believe in society's ideas. Instead, what about believing in our own worth, and forming of communities with others who believe that everyone has their own worth -- that is entirely separate from the ideas of worth that society has so kindly and generously laid out for us. What if we all believed and radiated true and untainted vibes? I did this in Italy, and I'm working so very hard to get this back. More people should believe that they deserve to be within a space, a city, a society, a nation, and a world that allows them to do that. We need to structurally change our own thought processes and project those changes onto society so that we can live in a more accepting world. 

http://www.cleypmwg.com/in-the-news/2014/1/27/19-things-i-wish-someone-had-told-me-before-i-turned-20-so-i-didnt-waste-a-decade

The dance of gloriousness and wretchedness

This past weekend I went to Berkeley to have a bit of a reunion with people I studied abroad with. It was such an amazing experience having everyone together. But, selfishly, it was hard to see how much I have deviated from who I was when I was in Italy; I had realized this before seeing everyone, but was confronted with it when we all came together. 

It's hard to admit that you could go from a place to feeling so good, to a place of feeling so bad. I felt the transition happen when I was flying across the Atlantic in the United States; I feared it, and tried to fight it. At times I have succeeded in fighting it, but now I'm back to where I was. 

In Italy, I was okay with only my own approval -- I didn't need anyone else's. But, as  I got closer to coming home -- and as I came home -- I felt that I needed other people's approval to be happy. I became so addicted and caught up in trying to fulfill the expectations that people had for me. I don't know what it is about American society -- but it does that to me. In Italy it was effortless to be who I've always wanted to be, and here I have to consciously fight to be who I want to be, fight to feel what I want to feel, and fight to stop myself from being concerned of what others think of me. 

This weekend, I finished up my time in Berkeley with an incredible coffee chat with an INCREDIBLE friend of mine, who is experiencing similar feelings. We both feel uneasy about the fact that we went from feeling so connected with everything and free, to being disconnected, empty, and neutral. 

I pride myself in my ability to acknowledge what is going on, and I praise myself in my will to try and change how I'm feeling. I am actively trying to have more positive thoughts, but thinking can only take you so far. Being abroad, one of the biggest lessons that I learned is that it is OKAY to feel, and that you should never be ashamed of the way you feel. I think I'm just frustrated that -- this time last year -- I had such a sense of flow when approaching life, and I selfishly want that back. I also keep trying to approach problems with that same mentality, that they will just roll right off of me, but I have to embrace the fact that I am experiencing a different wave right now in my life. I have to learn to love it. 

That same friend I had coffee with sent me a beautiful quote by Pema Chodron, and I think it sums so much up: 

Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.