I think I may have just found one of the most beautiful articles I have ever read. The article is called "19 things I wish someone had told me before I turned 20 so I didn't waste a decade."
It ranges on the subjects of knowing what type of people to keep in your life, knowing your self-worth, understanding that loneliness does happen, how healing works, and also consciously knowing what activities/hobbies/passions you need to do on a daily/weekly/monthly basis in order to stay sane and happy.
I've never identified so much with an article before. I feel so empowered in this moment. This article will truly be a guiding light for how I carry out the rest of my interactions in life.
For convenience, I have 1-19 listed below, and I'll also post the article link. The italicized is what's from the article, the writing below each number is my commentary:
1. It is okay to leave anyone and anything and anyplace that makes you feel like shit. It's hard, but it's okay. And bump explaining anything to anyone, unless you want to. Let them wonder.
This is so powerful. Just acknowledging the fact, and knowing, that you have the option to abandon anything that brings toxicity into your life is powerful. It may be, and probably will be, difficult -- but you can do it, and NO ONE, but yourself has to approve of or know why you're doing it.
2. Know who you are. Not just on some touchy-feely-fuzzy-pretty-on-the-inside tip, but knowing who you are racially, culturally, in relationship to your sexuality, gender and your class -- is a source of your power. You define that for you. Don't even let anyone else tell you who you are. This may change in time, as you grow and learn more. That's okay. Manage any shame or guilt you may feel through acts of accountability.
This is one of the main reasons why I miss Italy. I was in a sphere where I wasn't even remotely close to anyone who had any preconceived idea of who I really was (or wasn't near anyone who would judge me for wanting to be who I really wanted to be). I need to actively remind myself that, even though I may not be in a foreign place, I can transform myself and be anyone who I want to be. When I came back form Italy I got so many negative comments about my change in eating habits, appearance, style, and so much more. I got tired of having to justify myself -- so I conformed. Well lesson learned: don't conform, deal with being uncomfortable for a little bit and having an awkward situation with some IF IT MEANS that you get to be who you really want to be, and last but not least... you don't have to explain ANYTHING to ANYONE. You can exactly who you want to be, and fulfill what you believe to be your identity. If people think you're weird for that -- forget them.
3. Be accountable for what you do. This means owning up to how you mess up, just as must as it means owning and defending the contested space you fill. You will mess up, and only you can seek atonement for this. You will need to defend yourself, and rarely will anyone do that work for you. Acknowledging both your mistakes and your right as equally important.
If there is one thing I pride myself on, it's my ability to say, "Yes, I messed up," and then genuinely apologize and proceed to learn form my wrongdoings. I hate hurting people, but I accept the life changing properties that a mistake has lined in its threads. I believe in the malleability of our souls, style, persona, vibes, intentions, and thoughts; you deserve to be in a sphere where you are allowed to flourish after you destroy. When you fail, admit you fail -- but never quit. Get back up, learn from it, and move forward as the person you want to be, and abandon the essence you never want to return to.
4. They will call you crazy. You are a woman. There is no way of going through the world in the moment we live in and not get called crazy by someone, often someone you wish would see you as deeply sane. You are not crazy. The world is crazy. If you are affected by this imbalanced, unjust world, it only proves that you are a sentient being with some sense of empathy.
I let myself be moved by the imbalanced rhythms of the world and the people around me -- sometimes too much. But the imperfections of the world move me. inspire me. drive me. to spread love to myself, others, and the world. As crazy as it sounds, I am literally in love with the world. It took years for me to embrace me and my own imperfections, and once I found that love -- I wanted nothing more than to have others across the world feel that very same love for themselves and their surroundings. People view me as too deep, too analytical, or even crazy for having such a passionate love or -- as they say -- idealism, for people I've never met, places I've never been, and lifestyles I've never been a part of, but 1. I shouldn't care what they think, and 2. I feel sorry for people who have such apathy in their hearts that they can't allow themselves to openly love the people and world around them.
5. Empathy is built. You need to learn to really listen. This means listening without thinking about how it relates to you, or planning the next thing you are going to say. This means seeing everyone, regardless of who they are, as a human being. You cannot really be a human being unless you regard everyone as such, even your greatest nemeses and the gravest perpetrators. All of our damage comes from somewhere. Yours and everyone else's. Learn to listen to others. Learn to listen to yourself. Empathy cannot exist without really, deeply listening first.
We all have been damaged in some way. Communicate it. Share it. Listen to it. Learn from it. There is so much to gain and learn. Be kind to others, because everyone has some struggle, they're going through. And we're all caged into this society that doesn't believe in people truly feeling and expressing dark or difficult emotions. But instead we paint a false picture of how rosy are lives are and just let things hurt more -- when all the while we just want someone to talk to. So, TALK TO PEOPLE. Be empathetic. LOVE. People everywhere are dying to just talk to someone, and to lean on someone. So please, open your eyes and be receptive.
6. You are going to have moments of unbearable pain. It takes time to learn how to heal yourself. And healing sometimes leaves scars. Healing is sometimes incomplete. Think of your scars as battle-wounds -- evidence of how much wiser you are now -- maps of where not to return. Cherish these scars and honor them. There will comes time when they are the only reminder of where you have been, and how much you still need to grow.
In a time where I'm healing, and trying to get to a better place -- this is so lovely to hear. I will take pride in the fact that I'm learning more about myself, and what territories I should never venture to -- ever again.
7. You are going to have moments of unbearable loneliness. You need to learn how to love being with yourself, because ultimately, no one has the potential to love you like you can. It is beautiful to love and be loved, but these are just hints as to how to regard yourself. If you regard yourself highly, and learn to turn loneliness into soothing solitude, you will be capable of giving and receiving truly transformative love.
This is my largest battle. Working by myself and living in a tiny town has it's challenges and has tested my self-love more than anything else ever has. To learn to be okay with that solitude is the most paralytic, yet empowering state of being I have ever been cemented in. It has definitely put me out of my comfort zone and has shined a glaring, beaming, blinding light onto cracks in my personal foundation of health and happiness that I didn't know I had. Like any renovation, it takes time, money, effort, sweat, and tears to rebuild. But I'm doing that, and I'm coming back stronger than ever.
8. Find something that makes you feel like the world makes sense, even if you can't justify it intellectually to yourself or anyone else. Personally, if I don't rock a wall, get up, get laid, get down on a dancefloor, read a good book, write a poem, listen to a mind-blowing record or have a soul-shaking, satisfying conversation at least once a week, the world doesn't make sense to me and I am unmoored. If i Don't get these things for a month, I become a total inconsolable wreck. This wreck can easily snowball into all kinds of self-destruction. Find what works for you and be loyal to it as a loyalty to yourself.
THIS IS EVERYTHING. Literally everything. I need adventure, dancing, music, spontaneity, books, writing, TOUCH, passion, those soul-shaking conversations, laughter, and information that shakes my perceptions of the world we live in. And I do need these things to happen weekly, if not daily. I think this is also one of the reasons why I've experienced this period of loneliness and personal frustration -- I've become disengaged with the things that stimulate me and make me appreciate the world. I've become wrapped up in the habitual, and I am not a habitual person.
9. The world you live in is sick. This sickness creeps into all of us, and in many it manifests as an inability to love oneself, let alone others. Some of those afflicted with a parasitic strain of this illness will latch onto you as a host. You may believe it is part of your nature to nurture and support endlessly. These people will eat your love whole, and you with it, and leave you as a husk. You can grow again from your husk, but it will be hard, and it takes time and the training of betrayal and heartbreak to learn to trust yourself enough to determine who is worthy of your trust. Do not let anyone ride you. Only walk with those who will walk side by side with you, as an equal.
Don't surround yourself with people who aren't even trying to make themselves a better person; who aren't trying to love themselves. There's a difference between someone who says they want to change, and does nothing. And someone who says they want to change, but feels -- and is -- stuck. I let one particular person literally suck the life out of me. Their dislike for themselves, their dispassionate and hopeless approach to life was so draining. Selfishly, and in a very conceited way, I thought I could be that light, that sunshine, that would make them see things differently. And not only was I not that person -- which stupidly hurt my ego -- but I also got sucked into their sick and unfortunate mindset. And it is so hard to get those type of people out of your life once you let them in to the most personal parts of who you are. BUT it can happen. And it will happen. It just takes work.
10. Do not mess with lovers that don't prioritize your pleasure. That can look like a lot of different things, and you're probably still figuring it out. Don't put up with lovers that don't give you room to explore, to express, and above all -- if a love is only focused on using you as a vessel to reach their plateau -- be out. This doesn't mean to ignore your partner's pleasure, but rather to see yours as of equal worth.
Again, don't surround yourself with people who don't truly care about your well-being. Some people might care, but they don't do anything to help you progress and grow. Exploration, expression, and a passion for things/people/the world is so key for my success and happiness. To not be around people who share that same ideal is dangerous. To surround yourself with people like that does turn you into a vessel, and it rids you of what makes you special.
11. You are not responsible for the actions of those who hated themselves so much that they hurt you.
I truly feel fortunate that I have been able to figure this one out and let go of so many things. People are hurting, and need some way to soften the hurt -- so they bash others in the process. Words and actions can hurt you, but don't let those thins dictate the way you live. Especially when you realize that person was insecure and just trying to lift themselves up.
12. Collectivism is a beautiful concept, and something worth constantly striving toward and building. Collectivism has radically changed and challenged unjust structures and institutions. But if you sacrifice your own survival for the benefit of the whole, you will find yourself wringing your hands and questioning the meaning of your life and doubting the worth of others in light of their unabashed self-interest. Find a balance.
WORD. Never be so individualistic you forget others, but never be so into the collective that you forget who you are, and stop taking care of yourself.
13. Do not carry broken people who are not in the process of rebuilding themselves.
This is probably one of the greatest lessons that I've learned, and am in the process of still digesting. Like I said earlier, there is a great difference in someone who is struggling, but trying to get better, and someone who is struggling but is wallowing in their misery. We all have hard times, and it is more okay -- if not necessary -- to proclaim when we are struggling, and ask for help. But that's just it -- you're asking for help. That is so much different than making hopeless proclamations that you have no intention of acting upon or growing from. The mentalities of broken people, who are not rebuilding themselves, are contagious. And on top of that contagion, you will most likely start to feel like shit because you put so much time into trying to help someone who really has no intention of ever utilizing your help. It's a vicious and terrible cycle. RUN FROM IT. and never look back.
14. You are not your job. Your job is simply a paycheck and you are probably not compensated what you are worth and it is not your fault -- you inherited a broken economic system, and you will not be the first generation to fight for your right to live. But you need to fight for your right to live, in solidarity, with those are you who are also struggling.
Our truth worth is so much more than a paycheck. However, I still aspire to find a job that I truly love.
15. Going to college is an accomplishment. It does not, however, make you better than anyone else. It doesn't make you essentially more intelligent. You never really make it "out" of the class you came from, and you never really make it "in" to the class you aspired to.
One thing that traveling and conversing with others (especially elderly) has taught me, is that schooling is merely another vehicle people can use to learn; it is most certainly not the only way to gain or gauge intelligence. There are so many different ways to acquire knowledge, and there are so many different types of knowledge to acquire. To put intelligence in a box is not only detrimental to others and ourselves, but it is incredibly detrimental to societal progression and advancement.
16. If you cannot translate what you have learned from whatever access you've had back to wherever you came from, then you have not gained anything-- you have changed. Assimilation is a choice. Seek to be a translator. Seek to share your access to those who you may have left behind. Seek to disrupt the structures that taught those of us who gained more access that we are worth more than where we left, and less than what we found ourselves among.
This is so very powerful. I always aspire to be a translator. There's such an openness and fluidity to being a translator. Things aren't compartmentalized and contorted; when you translate, things shine, spread, reflect, and share. This process, when felt and executed, in the most internally fulfilling feeling. My friend Adena posted a quote on her blog the other day, and I think it sums up the idea of translating so eloquently: "I consider myself a stained-glass window. And this is how I live my life. Closing no doors and covering no windows; I am the multi-colored glass with light filtering through me, in many different shades. Allowing light to shed and fall into many many hues. My job is not to direct anything, but only to filter into many colors. My answer is destiny and my guide is joy. And there you have me."
17. Never take validation too deeply to heart. This is especially true of those who came up entrenched in the age of social media. The gaze of hegemony is always on us. Find validation in the ratio between how positively you impact yourself and others versus how you mess up and hurt others. You will hurt others. Be accountable for this, when you need to be, and always be mindful of how often that happens in relation to those you help grow. None of us can be saints, but we can be salient and sentient.
The need for validation in today's age and within today's aspiring-to-be-mono-cultured-society is so unreal. I feel it. I feel it every day. I'm in this world of trying to fulfill societal expectations, while simultaneously trying to deviate from that terrible way of conducting my life, WHILE simultaneously having people realize that I'm one of "those" people who make the effort to be different and try to break the norms of society. It's oxymoronic. On top of this, it is definitely important to be mindful of how you conduct yourself and treat others, especially if you're getting wrapped up in the pursuit of your goals, dreams, self-worth, and life-plan. Be different, be bold, but be kind.
18. Take your struggle to your community, and find community in those whose struggles intersect. It is only within one another that we will ever make sense of this destroyed world and it's corrupt ideology that we've inherited. Fight. Fight. Fight.
Communication, sharing, and connected mindfulness is essential. We all need to take care of our struggles. We all need to be mindful and regain consciousness of the world we're in, who we are, what we want to be, and where we are going. We must do this individually and collectively. We need a revolution of consciousness, internally and externally, that carries itself in continuous, reciprocal rhythms.
19. You are inherently valuable. You have worth. Ask no one for permission.
Again, going off what I said earlier. We live in a society where there are so many defined ideas of what it means to be successful, beautiful, worthy, intelligent, strong, and full of potential. We often feel that we need the validation of others who TRULY believe in society's ideas. Instead, what about believing in our own worth, and forming of communities with others who believe that everyone has their own worth -- that is entirely separate from the ideas of worth that society has so kindly and generously laid out for us. What if we all believed and radiated true and untainted vibes? I did this in Italy, and I'm working so very hard to get this back. More people should believe that they deserve to be within a space, a city, a society, a nation, and a world that allows them to do that. We need to structurally change our own thought processes and project those changes onto society so that we can live in a more accepting world.
http://www.cleypmwg.com/in-the-news/2014/1/27/19-things-i-wish-someone-had-told-me-before-i-turned-20-so-i-didnt-waste-a-decade
