1 year

A year has gone by since I left for Italy. August 19, 2012. What a day that was.

I cried so hard as soon as I passed through the gate. Realizing everything was going to change -- most likely for the better -- but it meant, many people would no longer be apart of my life. 

People on my 3 plane rides, and within the 4 airports -- that I ventured through -- probably thought I was crazy as I went through waves of smile, anger, fear, and full on crying. 

I left, and arrived in Italy, with no clue of who I'd meet, what my apartment looked like, or who I'd be living with. I was completely and utterly clueless. 

I almost missed every connecting flight. I lost my luggage. Sorted it all out by speaking Italian. Got a taxi in Italian. Showed up to apartment. Didn't know how to get in, since I didn't know what floor or apartment number I had. Asked to use Caffe' Zamboni's phone -- a place I would grow to love -- and eventually ended up my apartment... 

The apartment I had no idea that would soon be filled with the most amazing people I have ever meant. Happy memories, drunken memories, delirious one. Sad ones, stressed ones -- growing, loving, amazing ones... perfect ones. 

I was greeted at my door by Daniela. Whose kindness to show me around the city meant more to me than anything in this world. She helped me get my phone and internet squared away. Showed me where the study center was, and of course all of the important sites of Bologna. She introduced me to Pizza Bo, which is the perfect city-wide network website for home delivery for any food you could want... perfect for those days you're completely incapable of leaving your bed. 

Nearly 6 months later... my apartment went from being empty, alone, and blank -- to full of smiles, memories, visions, beautiful BEAUTIFUL people, love, and laughter. 

I miss the talks I had around my kitchen table. The nights of joyous cooking, music blasting, and story sharing, before we'd all go out walking around town or dancing. 

I miss nights in, where my roommates and I would all show each other good street views of each others' houses and where we grew up -- trying to get a greater understanding of each other. 

I miss it all so much. My heart yearns for Italy every. single. day. There isn't a day that I haven't gone without thinking about it. 

I could finally fully be me for the first time -- in any setting. And that is the most invaluable thing I have ever encountered in my entire life... to be able to be you, in a setting full of unknown, and unanswered questions... that is just lovely. So very, very lovely. 

Battles

Everyone has personal battles, which -- for lack of a better phrase -- come in all shapes and sizes. Battles can be self-destructing, imposed by others, and even arisen by inanimate objects. To keep it simple, I've divided battles into three categories:

Daily Battles: These are the small obstacles that happen throughout the day. Whether it's a broken stapler, a shitty coworker, traffic, or a fight with a friend, these are the battles that occur in one day -- in one moment -- and usually don't carry over to the next day. 

Present and Future Battles: These are battles that do not stem from the past, but they can be long-lasting. This can still involve inanimate objects, but the problem doesn't cease just after one day. However, the END of the battle is in sight and seems attainable. These battles could be things like: questions of life, coping with the loss of someone or something, or even trying to find a job. 

And last, but not least, there are... 

Past Battles: To put it bluntly, this is just emotional baggage. That deep-rooted crap that you either learn to deal with, or just leave unsettled. 

Dealing with emotional baggage makes the past battles seem beautiful, the daily battles seem miniscule, and the present/future battles seem exciting. But... that's not to say these obstacles don't find away to creep into your life and leave you unsettled and imbalanced -- your coping skills just get better if you deal with the past battles. 

For me, I currently find myself struggling with the Present and Future Battles, or to be specific -- questions of life and how I relate to others. 

As an individual, I feel like I know what I want and who I am. I still have uncertainties, but I'm excited by those. 

In relation to others though, I'm finding that maybe the majority of my goals, my views, my aspirations, and my perspectives don't breed social cohesion for my life. 

What do I mean by "social cohesion?" Well, much of my dreams require a lot of independence and thus less interactions with people, but this really conflicts with my personality of being a hopeless and utter romantic, who loves being surrounded by people. So... I feel torn.

Of course, there are people in the world with like-minded dreams, who I can not only share these experiences with, but who also know how to sustain a friendship where people see each other very little throughout the year, or a given period of time. But still... it's hard to maintain those connections with so little interactions. 

Being in Italy, and starting this job in the "working world," has definitely shown me who the rocks in my life are; I see who will always be there. However, the longer I'm away, the greater the risk of that number becoming smaller. 

I know that's life. And I know my goals will lead me to meeting other people, but that's not to say it still isn't difficult when I find myself either 1. not connecting with someone and/or 2. struggling to find time to see someone because I'm (physically) so far apart from them. 

I know I'm always going to yearn for something new (even if I initially hate the stark change that comes along with it), and I know I'm not always going to be permanently settled somewhere until I'm much, much older. This, fortunately -- and yet unfortunately -- weeds out people I don't connect with, makes apparent the people I love, highlights the ones who bring out the best in me, and yet also has the potential to drift me away from the people I want to keep. 

So... in the mean time, I'm working on communicating much better with the people I miss. I'm trying to take on new habits, so I can make those people -- who I don't see that often -- feel as loved as they make me feel. Because the people in my life, who I can go so long without seeing -- and then instantly reconnect with when we reunite -- are definitely people I do not want to lose. 

These are my Present and Future battles (as far as questions of life go), and this is what I will continually have to work at: 

sand

Sometimes, you wish all of the details of your life could just unfold right before your eyes. There are moments where it feels like everything is whirling around you in a complex and hazy fashion; 

it is confusing. 
it is hypnotizing. 
it is calming. 
it is tantalizing. 

You look at everything that lay before you in amazement of how there seems to be so many answers in front of you, yet you can't piece anything together. It's like you can make sense of the fact that it's all nonsense, but... it's still nonsense, but... maybe one day it will all make sense?

I think life as a whole can feel this way, and so can experiences, and even people. Something can feel whole in front of you, yet fragmented. You understand, but you're unable to grasp all of the pieces and put them together; you feel like everything is coming together and falling apart at the same time. 

The only way I can describe what I mean by that is through a visual: 

Imagine you have a handful of sand. You're on a beach, and then slowly and softly you let the sand gradually fall out of your hand and get caught up in the wind. It's elegant, it's graceful, but it's still "falling apart." 

             But... was it ever really together? 
             What was holding it together? 
             Do things have to fall apart to make sense? 
             And the fact that it could be falling apart doesn't even have to be bad, or devastating -- you still can admire the process. 

Friday was the last day of my first week at work. It's been a whirl. There are small moments where it feels right and clear, and small moments where it feels like the image I described, confusing and not together, yet beautiful. 

When I think about the larger picture... the haze grows larger and nearly envelopes me. I feel like I'm blinded by this beautiful lack of transparency, but sometimes that transparency feels suffocating or paralyzing. 

I love my job, but other aspects of my life -- including the big picture -- could be a lot clearer. 

Strangers

A year ago you were all strangers to me. 

I had no idea who you were, where you were from, or that you even existed. There was no inclination or hinting that you would be coming into my life... you all just arrived. And everything fell into place. 

Sure there were disagreements, awkward moments, times where I didn't know if it was possible for us to get along, but in the end, we all ended up so close. 

I've been in the states for 6 months. I haven't seen you all for 6 months. And I miss you all so much. 

You all saw me transform into the person I've always wanted to be. You accepted me through my highs and lows. You laughed with me. You cried with me. Late night movies. Late night walks. Late nights out. Late night cooking. Late night talks around our old kitchen table. 

I miss stumbling into the kitchen half asleep to find one of you cooking with a big smiling face, or just as tired or hungover as I was. 

Each one of you taught me so much and brought even more people and experiences into my life. 

What I would give to live with you all again. To see you right now. I think about you all every. single. day. and you have impacted my life more than people I've known for years. 

Anxious

I'm getting anxious to go exploring again. I want to go somewhere new. Somewhere wild. I want to engage with cultures unlike any other. I want to meet new people and expand my mind. 

I miss the hospitality and kindness of people I met on my travels, and in Bologna, when I studied abroad. 

Today marks 6 months since I've been back from Italy, and to be frank... I don't feel quite whole yet. I know I should have fully transitioned by now, but it isn't so. I think I belong somewhere else. 

Maybe I'm a wanderer. Maybe I'm not meant to stay in a place for long. Or maybe I found my place, and I need to return to it. 

Certainty will never be present, but in the mean time, I can just try to figure out me, go with the flow, and let my feet take me where I need to be. 

Sunrise

Reconnecting with old friends, acquaintances, or people you've had brief encounters with is beautiful. As well as seeing a different, but amazing, side of someone you thought you knew so well.

A group of friends and I hung out yesterday and then sat on the roof of my apartment. Layered in blankets, we sat in a circle and talked about everything. Laughing til we cried, and just opening up about so many things. We all talked for so long, that we started to notice the sun was rising. I haven't watched the sun rise in so long.

Those moments where you hear the city come alive, and you feel like you're one of the only people awake at that moment - as if you're the only person that exists and the world is yours - are completely stunning. You feel so capable and so humble. Especially when you're sharing that moment with other people who you're learning new things about. Just the absolute fact that you all can share that sunrise together, that one sunrise that can never be recreated in that exact form, is so special and so binding. 

And then the sun comes up, and that feeling of ownership diminishes during the day, but you still feel - and know - that the connection is there and forever will be. 

Renewal

When considering a job offer, one of my cousins gave me some much needed job advice, and life insight. Since I first received the offer, I began to wish I could just talk to my future self and hear how I would reflect on my decision 5-10 years down the line, and hear whether or not this is the right job to take. 

I wanted to know:

Would I regret taking it? 

Not taking it? 

Should I wait for something else? 

Is this the right type of job to pursue? 

Is this the right location? 

She didn't give me the answers, or force-feed them down my throat, but merely told me how she would feel if she had this opportunity, and how she would feel if she did, or did not, take the job. 

Us having similar majors, I told her the two career paths I was thinking about taking, and she gave me her wisdom about which ones are more or less accessible. She let me know the reality of each, and didn't sugar coat either one. 

I wish I could describe her words and wisdom succinctly, and remember how she phrased each sentence so eloquently, but there is one thing in particular that I remember her saying: the importance of having a place of renewal. 

Going to Bologna, and being so lucky to have a campus/city/location like Berkeley has shown me how important space and place is in terms of self-restoration and creation. It wasn't until recently that I made the clear connection that making the effort to be in beautiful, calming, and special places, allows you to continue getting through all of the rough patches -- a place of renewal.  

She asked me to think of what my place of renewal was, and see how that aligned with where I saw myself in the next 5 years. I then realized, I have many places of renewal. And that this particular offer -- a year long job amid the redwoods -- would be a beautiful place of renewal for the short term and long term.

So, here's to having a job -- ALMOST -- right out of college, and exploring one of my places of renewal.