Your box

I'm listening to a live concert album that I recorded from the day after I met you. That day, I had no idea you'd end up being in my life. 


You're in a box. You say you want out. But you do nothing. You just try to pull me in there with you. I try to help you. And I just get burned. And end up in the box as well. 


It's sad to think that you might just stay there... in that box. And I won't be in that box with you. I might not even be anywhere near it. 


There's only so many times you can wait for someone to grow, or come around. Sometimes, there's a limit on what you can do and how much you can do for someone... They have to want to change, to meet you half way. 


It's just hard to see you slowly close the lid of that box on yourself. I've literally tried everything.


http://ia600708.us.archive.org/23/items/PBB112011-11-02.PBB112011-11-02/09NothingToSay.mp3

Happiness

Here's a great article about what it takes to be happy: 

http://successify.net/2012/10/31/22-things-happy-people-do-differently/

Rainy Night

Norah Jones. Rainy night. By the time I walked home and put on my pajamas, I could already hear the storm outside of my window. My new candle is burning. Pumpkin spice tea. I tried to do homework. But instead I talked with an old friend on the phone. And then wrote quotes on post it notes that now surround my mirror... ways of reminding me to stay positive -- that it's all not so bad afterall. .

It's dark in my room. My browsers are full of links to jobs and internships that have applications due this week and next week. My bed has never felt so great. It's weird having a single. 

I'm still confused. But I'm trying to work with it, and stick to my ideas... hence the post-it notes. 

I just want to do me. And be me. And have that be okay. 

I am

In light of my last post..... 

Enough

I think the biggest battle that people face at UC Berkeley, is feeling like they're not ENOUGH. 

Everything is so competitive here. No one really stops to ask themselves if they're happy or content, or -- if they're not -- what they need to do to feel that way. It's always: you're not good enough, or you're not enough.

I love it here. But sometimes it gets really frustrating to have to constantly fight that mentality. It's exhausting. I just wanna do me, and not be given shit for being who I am. 

I'm tired of people saying: 
- "How's your twig and berries?" (When I'm eating a healthy dinner) 
- "Oh, are you only happy now because you're skinny?" 
- "Did you even learn anything or do any work while you were abroad?" 

This is just some of the stuff thrown my way. And I know, my life isn't that hard. But it sucks when people try to break down the things that mean most to you.

I'm sick of it. 

YES. I like eating healthy. YES. I am happy because I am healthy and I exercise. I enjoy taking care of myself. And YES I worked really hard when I was abroad. I learned a different language, took 6 courses, which included masters courses.

So please, don't try to push me down, because you're unhappy with yourself. 

Into Place

I think I learned a way to sum up the way I've been feeling lately: disrupted. 

My friend Adena talked about the importance of feeling at peace and okay with everything in your life. And sometimes that peace gets disrupted. I realized that I did have peace when I left Italy and that I was feeling disrupted since I arrived. 

However, just talking about the idea of being "disrupted" with someone, helped me get to a point where I feel less disrupted. I'm starting to come to peace with the idea that sometimes you won't be completely at peace. And just being able to stay that it's okay to not always have everything together.... just makes you kind of get back to being at peace. 

I've been taking more photos when I walk around campus. I've been surrounding myself more with people who accept the changes I've made in the past 6 months. I've taken some time to do what I want and need, versus feeling pressured to make up for all of the lost time I had with people. And I'm feeling better. 

Granted, there will be waves. But those waves are so beautiful. I used to loathe waves. 

Imagine yourself standing in the water at the beach. If you try to fight the current, if you try to reject the tide, it takes so much effort just to keep yourself in the same exact place. But if you lay back in the water, spread your fingers, and tilt your head back, and just let the water take you, it'll be a lot easier. Sure you don't know where you're going. But at least along the way, you're relaxed, enjoying the feel of the water, the view of the sky, and the smell of the salty sea air. 

Wild

Weeks before I left for Italy, I read a book called Wild. 

It's a true story about a girl, or I should say woman, who is fed up with her life, and decides to hike the PCT (pacific crest trail), even though she's never been backpacking. 

I've always dreamed of hiking the PCT, so I thought I should read the book. 

I cried so hard when I read that book. Her ability to leave it all, and do what she wanted, was so admirable. 

I didn't understand why I was crying at the time, or didn't really want to admit it. But one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that your family can give you incredible roots, but unfortunately peers can make you deviate from what your family taught you, or from what close friends taught you. 

Never stop surrounding yourself with people who make you want to be a better person. It can kill you. I know that sounds like an over exaggeration, but it can literally kill your spirit. 

I read that book, and 2 years before I read that book I think I would have told myself I am going to hike the PCT one day. But when I finished reading that book just a few months ago, I was kind of disconnected from that go-getter I used to be. And instead I thought... what a nice idea that would be.

I then kind of shook some sense into myself, and not only realized that one day I definitely need to, and WILL, get my booty on the PCT, but that also, Italy would be a similar experience. I'd be doing my own thing, and taking my own metaphorical path to figure myself out.

Now that I took that path, now that I have the tools to put myself out there, and now that I'm back, it's time for me to find another path to learn even more about myself.