The dance of gloriousness and wretchedness

This past weekend I went to Berkeley to have a bit of a reunion with people I studied abroad with. It was such an amazing experience having everyone together. But, selfishly, it was hard to see how much I have deviated from who I was when I was in Italy; I had realized this before seeing everyone, but was confronted with it when we all came together. 

It's hard to admit that you could go from a place to feeling so good, to a place of feeling so bad. I felt the transition happen when I was flying across the Atlantic in the United States; I feared it, and tried to fight it. At times I have succeeded in fighting it, but now I'm back to where I was. 

In Italy, I was okay with only my own approval -- I didn't need anyone else's. But, as  I got closer to coming home -- and as I came home -- I felt that I needed other people's approval to be happy. I became so addicted and caught up in trying to fulfill the expectations that people had for me. I don't know what it is about American society -- but it does that to me. In Italy it was effortless to be who I've always wanted to be, and here I have to consciously fight to be who I want to be, fight to feel what I want to feel, and fight to stop myself from being concerned of what others think of me. 

This weekend, I finished up my time in Berkeley with an incredible coffee chat with an INCREDIBLE friend of mine, who is experiencing similar feelings. We both feel uneasy about the fact that we went from feeling so connected with everything and free, to being disconnected, empty, and neutral. 

I pride myself in my ability to acknowledge what is going on, and I praise myself in my will to try and change how I'm feeling. I am actively trying to have more positive thoughts, but thinking can only take you so far. Being abroad, one of the biggest lessons that I learned is that it is OKAY to feel, and that you should never be ashamed of the way you feel. I think I'm just frustrated that -- this time last year -- I had such a sense of flow when approaching life, and I selfishly want that back. I also keep trying to approach problems with that same mentality, that they will just roll right off of me, but I have to embrace the fact that I am experiencing a different wave right now in my life. I have to learn to love it. 

That same friend I had coffee with sent me a beautiful quote by Pema Chodron, and I think it sums so much up: 

Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.

Removing

I just read this amazing article: 

http://elitedaily.com/life/the-10-types-of-toxic-people-that-mentally-strong-people-avoid/

Today, I need to vow to remove people like this out of my life. I know some people who possess almost all of these qualities. 

You can still care about someone in your life, but also realize that they aren't healthy for you to keep around. 

Today, I am removing toxicity from my life; that includes people and my own personal thoughts. 

Coldplay

Listening to Coldplay, and realizing how much I miss you. 

Before I left Italy, we talked about what it's like to immerse yourself back into your original culture; how long it takes to "feel back to normal," how other people act toward you (near and far), and what the plane ride was like for you and what it would be like for me on the way home.

We started this conversation because I was listening to Clocks in my room. You heard it, and shouted "Bella questa canzone!" 

We both walked into the kitchen. You told me you listened to Coldplay the whole way home, and that you'd give me every single Coldplay song so I could listen to it on the way home. 

When I got on the plane, this was the first song I played. I cried so hard. It was also the last song I listened to while landing in SF. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iE4Z9jRZ_c

Words can't describe how much I miss you. 
The fact we met -- what were the odds? 
What were the odds that you'd have such an incredible affect on my life? 

Slim to none of course... but I'm so glad we met. I'm so glad that, even though we're separated by the entire United States and the Atlantic, we keep in touch. 

List

In recent days, I've seen that I've become disconnected from myself. Sooo, I'm keeping an ongoing list of things that entail who I am and what it means to be in my life. I'll keep updating this over time. 

Summary:
Deep conversations
Meditation
Conversations with strangers
Exploring
Getting lost
Day trips
Vacations
Laughter and positivity
Lack of negativity
Uncontrollable laughter
My family
My friends, 
and socializing and laughing with all of them. 
My appetite. 
Musical outbursts
Music all of the time. 
Reading
Going out dancing
Sad AND LOTS OF happy tears
My imagination
My spontaneity 
My curiosity 
My NEED to travel and have those desires and the qualities of a traveler EVERY SINGLE DAY. 
My dreams
Walks in the rain.
Summer night walks
Late night walks
Early morning walks
Projects
Success
LIVING
Being okay with feeling
Being okay with making a complete and total fool of yourself
Wine tasting
Beaches
Kayaking
EXERCISE 
Acceptance of the real me.
Indecision when it's inconvenient

I am: 
A writer -- I frequently write poetry and want to write a book, or a few, some day. 
A photographer -- Photography is a huge passion of mine, as well as other forms of art (painting/drawing), and to understand that is incredibly important. 
Open -- I love meeting new people, being truthful/open with those I know, and trying to learn as much as I possibly can from every person. I never want my morals to be so rigid that I feel I can't learn from someone else. 
Positive -- I always try to put a positive spin on everything, and be at peace. 
Sensitive/Aware -- I'm incredibly aware of my own feelings, how others are feeling, and how I make others feel. I always want people to be comfortable, and I want to do whatever I can to make those I love be comfortable and have a happy life. 
Detail-oriented -- I want to not only be detailed with everything I do in life, but I also am incredibly aware of all of the details around me and within others.
Loving -- I will give every one my heart. Every person I meet is going to be greeted with love and care. 
Adventurous/Active -- I need an active and busy life. I need to constantly explore. 
Demanding -- I won't settle for a mediocre life. I'm also emotionally demanding. 
Accepting -- I will always be accepting of people and what makes them unique, but in relationships I do raise the bar more. I will love someone no matter what, but that doesn't mean I should accept a lazy partner in a relationship just because I'll be accepting of them. Personalities and lifestyles are infectious, and I want to surround myself by driven, positive, and lovely people. 
A learner -- I love to constantly learn and be challenged, and I want to be with someone, and be surround by people, who will continuously teach me new things, and is.are also willing to learn. 
Talkative -- Self-explanatory. 

Mindfulness

I'm reading an incredible book right now. It has to do with spirituality, being at peace with yourself, and taking care of the Earth. 

I came a across a quote today that resonated with me so incredibly much. It was under the section "The Foundation of Happiness:" 

"Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental awareness of all that is happening inside and around us. It takes us back to the foundation of happiness, which is being present in the here and now... We can be mindful of our breath, our footsteps, our thoughts, and our actions. Mindfulness requires that we bring all our attention to whatever we're doing, whether walking or breathing, brushing our teeth, or eating a snack." 

I've let myself get caught up in stress. I'm dwelling on the past, and so anxious about the future. I keep trying to rush through the present because there's so many things I don't want to confront, or too many things I am trying to confront at once. But not being mindful is detrimental. 

I need to be more mindful. It can be frustrating when in certain settings, or in the past, it seemed so effortless -- to be mindful. And that mindfulness fluidly and graciously opened me up to the feeling of happiness and gratitude. But I need to reengage with mindfulness to remind myself of what I already have, who I am, and how much I have to be grateful for. 

I will find balance between operating in a high-paced society, and being someone who likes to savor, slow down, and enjoy the beautiful things that so many people are unfortunately blind to. 

Just because others are blind, doesn't mean I need to be blind. And if I make myself be more open, mindful, and aware -- I can indirectly encourage others to do so by leading by example. 

Spread

My sense of inner peace frequently waxes and wanes. 

Currently, part of it is due to changes and adaptations, but otherwise I can't completely explain why it is happening. 

It's frustrating. We have control over our minds, but at what point does trying to change your mentality get stifled by your circumstances? 

I know working and living alone has been having an affect on me. And I'm trying so hard to appreciate how much I've grown and how independent I've come, but scientifically speaking -- people need to touch and interact with other people. 

Before taking this job, I knew I was a social person -- but I didn't think I was that social; I really loved my alone time. And I still do. But I like choosing when to be alone. Some of my favorite days in Bologna were when I was completely by myself and wandering through the city.

But I was choosing to be alone, and also knew I could befriend someone new and interesting at any given moment (in addition to all of the incredible people who were already in my life).

I have learned now, that I truly do love and need people.

We take human interaction and touch for granted. 

Before starting this job, I already believed that everyone deserved to be accepted and loved, but after knowing what it feels like to be completely on your own -- I think people should take an extra effort to be perceptive and caring of every person that crosses their path. Small conversations and friendly smiles really can make a difference in someone's day.

So, spread your light and spread warm gestures. They'll help people more than you could ever know. 

practice

I think I take for granted the importance of practicing. 

When I learn something, my ego gets the best of me, and assumes that newly obtained knowledge, habits, and perspectives will for always be there. 

And that is incredibly false. 

So. so. so. false. 

Our minds are adaptive. And habitualness -- in certain forms and structures -- is vital for the persistence of lifestyles, ideas, knowledge, and mindsets.

For example, I know the importance of gratitude. I know what writing does for me. But, there's a reason why I haven't written on this blog in over 2 months; I know what writing and gratitude does for me and how important it is, but because I know, I thus forget to practice. 

If I feel that a day had events that were too insignificant to write about, or to express gratitude toward, than my mind will eventually make a habit out of the idea of "insignificance." I even further belittle myself by thinking I don't deserve that time to unwind and unravel the small -- and what I should see as -- beautiful moments of my day. 

My mind is tangled, serrated, free-flowing, and jumbled. Writing helps make things coherent in a chaotic, but orderly, fashion. 

Everyone needs a little bit of order in their lives. Our bodies, our existence, is order in the midst of a sea of chance. The more I mimic, record, devour, inspect, and appreciate what is around me, the more I exercise my ability as a thing, as an entity, that has been granted the chance to live....