Battles

Everyone has personal battles, which -- for lack of a better phrase -- come in all shapes and sizes. Battles can be self-destructing, imposed by others, and even arisen by inanimate objects. To keep it simple, I've divided battles into three categories:

Daily Battles: These are the small obstacles that happen throughout the day. Whether it's a broken stapler, a shitty coworker, traffic, or a fight with a friend, these are the battles that occur in one day -- in one moment -- and usually don't carry over to the next day. 

Present and Future Battles: These are battles that do not stem from the past, but they can be long-lasting. This can still involve inanimate objects, but the problem doesn't cease just after one day. However, the END of the battle is in sight and seems attainable. These battles could be things like: questions of life, coping with the loss of someone or something, or even trying to find a job. 

And last, but not least, there are... 

Past Battles: To put it bluntly, this is just emotional baggage. That deep-rooted crap that you either learn to deal with, or just leave unsettled. 

Dealing with emotional baggage makes the past battles seem beautiful, the daily battles seem miniscule, and the present/future battles seem exciting. But... that's not to say these obstacles don't find away to creep into your life and leave you unsettled and imbalanced -- your coping skills just get better if you deal with the past battles. 

For me, I currently find myself struggling with the Present and Future Battles, or to be specific -- questions of life and how I relate to others. 

As an individual, I feel like I know what I want and who I am. I still have uncertainties, but I'm excited by those. 

In relation to others though, I'm finding that maybe the majority of my goals, my views, my aspirations, and my perspectives don't breed social cohesion for my life. 

What do I mean by "social cohesion?" Well, much of my dreams require a lot of independence and thus less interactions with people, but this really conflicts with my personality of being a hopeless and utter romantic, who loves being surrounded by people. So... I feel torn.

Of course, there are people in the world with like-minded dreams, who I can not only share these experiences with, but who also know how to sustain a friendship where people see each other very little throughout the year, or a given period of time. But still... it's hard to maintain those connections with so little interactions. 

Being in Italy, and starting this job in the "working world," has definitely shown me who the rocks in my life are; I see who will always be there. However, the longer I'm away, the greater the risk of that number becoming smaller. 

I know that's life. And I know my goals will lead me to meeting other people, but that's not to say it still isn't difficult when I find myself either 1. not connecting with someone and/or 2. struggling to find time to see someone because I'm (physically) so far apart from them. 

I know I'm always going to yearn for something new (even if I initially hate the stark change that comes along with it), and I know I'm not always going to be permanently settled somewhere until I'm much, much older. This, fortunately -- and yet unfortunately -- weeds out people I don't connect with, makes apparent the people I love, highlights the ones who bring out the best in me, and yet also has the potential to drift me away from the people I want to keep. 

So... in the mean time, I'm working on communicating much better with the people I miss. I'm trying to take on new habits, so I can make those people -- who I don't see that often -- feel as loved as they make me feel. Because the people in my life, who I can go so long without seeing -- and then instantly reconnect with when we reunite -- are definitely people I do not want to lose. 

These are my Present and Future battles (as far as questions of life go), and this is what I will continually have to work at: 

sand

Sometimes, you wish all of the details of your life could just unfold right before your eyes. There are moments where it feels like everything is whirling around you in a complex and hazy fashion; 

it is confusing. 
it is hypnotizing. 
it is calming. 
it is tantalizing. 

You look at everything that lay before you in amazement of how there seems to be so many answers in front of you, yet you can't piece anything together. It's like you can make sense of the fact that it's all nonsense, but... it's still nonsense, but... maybe one day it will all make sense?

I think life as a whole can feel this way, and so can experiences, and even people. Something can feel whole in front of you, yet fragmented. You understand, but you're unable to grasp all of the pieces and put them together; you feel like everything is coming together and falling apart at the same time. 

The only way I can describe what I mean by that is through a visual: 

Imagine you have a handful of sand. You're on a beach, and then slowly and softly you let the sand gradually fall out of your hand and get caught up in the wind. It's elegant, it's graceful, but it's still "falling apart." 

             But... was it ever really together? 
             What was holding it together? 
             Do things have to fall apart to make sense? 
             And the fact that it could be falling apart doesn't even have to be bad, or devastating -- you still can admire the process. 

Friday was the last day of my first week at work. It's been a whirl. There are small moments where it feels right and clear, and small moments where it feels like the image I described, confusing and not together, yet beautiful. 

When I think about the larger picture... the haze grows larger and nearly envelopes me. I feel like I'm blinded by this beautiful lack of transparency, but sometimes that transparency feels suffocating or paralyzing. 

I love my job, but other aspects of my life -- including the big picture -- could be a lot clearer. 

Strangers

A year ago you were all strangers to me. 

I had no idea who you were, where you were from, or that you even existed. There was no inclination or hinting that you would be coming into my life... you all just arrived. And everything fell into place. 

Sure there were disagreements, awkward moments, times where I didn't know if it was possible for us to get along, but in the end, we all ended up so close. 

I've been in the states for 6 months. I haven't seen you all for 6 months. And I miss you all so much. 

You all saw me transform into the person I've always wanted to be. You accepted me through my highs and lows. You laughed with me. You cried with me. Late night movies. Late night walks. Late nights out. Late night cooking. Late night talks around our old kitchen table. 

I miss stumbling into the kitchen half asleep to find one of you cooking with a big smiling face, or just as tired or hungover as I was. 

Each one of you taught me so much and brought even more people and experiences into my life. 

What I would give to live with you all again. To see you right now. I think about you all every. single. day. and you have impacted my life more than people I've known for years.