Graduation

Graduation. There's so much to say. So much that comes to mind, and yet describing my emotions in a few coherent sentences seems impossible. I feel like a bipolar cave-woman every time I try to say how I feel about this experience -- optimism and hope pulling me in one direction, and absolute sheer terror pulling me in the other. My brain feels scattered, as it constantly thinks: 

change. life. growth. possibilities. fear. unknown. under-prepared. so very prepared. excited. terrified. adventurous. limited. unlimited. unrefined. polished. CHAOS. excitement. wonder. money. NO MONEY. travel. desk. foreign. abroad. local. bay area. environmental. grad school. FORGET IT ALL. bring it world. success. SQUIRREL (just kidding guys). health. 

These are just a smidgen of the things that are running through my brain. Like I said... I feel like a crazy person. Trying to calm down my ideas and just relax has definitely been nothing short of challenging. And at the same time, I'm trying to go with the flow and realize that the majority of graduates are feeling the exact same way that I am. 

The one feeling though that I can't seem to shake off is: loneliness. 

Seeing Berkeley, even just hours after general commencement ended, made me realize how many of my friends are not going to be in Berkeley for the summer and/or are permanently moving back home. 

I went from constantly being surrounded by some of the most amazing people I have ever met, to flying solo. It scared me the first few days. It jolted me and slapped me in the face... real, real hard. 

But, as I sit on my childhood bedroom floor, writing this blog post, I think back to nearly 10 months ago -- before I left for Italy. I was sitting in this same exact spot, sobbing and shaking with fear. And yet, Bologna turned out to be the best experience of my life. 

My ability to cope with change has become so much better, but I would be lying if part of me said I was not terrified for the future. 

I'm mainly scared about not blossoming into the person I've always wanted to be, and worried about meeting new people. I love meeting new people, but I'm so content with the people I know now. I worry about not living up to all of the dreams and goals I have set for myself. I really want to conquer all of them.

So for now, I just need to try and stay focused, positive, and driven. 

Love

Most of the time, I am a strong advocate of being an independent woman. 

Who says you need a partner to be happy, an "other" to define you, and make you feel whole. I strongly believe every person should feel whole without a partner in their life. 

However, there are those moments, where I just yearn for love. Yearn for moments with someone who makes you feel so comfortable, and gives you flutters. I've become more realistic as I've aged, but at the same time, I am the definition of a hopeless romantic. 

I dream of the ever-so-talked-about-girl-meets-boy-in-cafe scenario. 
The "finding your love in college" encounter. 
The walks, the fights, the dreams, the bucket-lists. 
The friendship that turns into something greater -- what you've always wanted. 
The traveling. The late night talks. 
The sparkle in each other's eyes, the one that never fades. 

I dream. I let my mind wander. I imagine. 

I then take a deep breath, and go back to focusing on me. 

Latte

It's the day before Mother's Day. 

I'm sitting in Cafe Mediterraneum -- the supposed place where the first latte was invented by the Italian owner in the 1q50's. My bias of Italian coffee made me apprehensive to trust the quality of the coffee here. I ordered the latte. 

Best coffee I've had since Italy. And suddenly: nostalgia. 

I'm in the upstairs areas of the cafe. The track-lighting is dim. There are mismatched chairs, small, round and cozy corner tables, and big ex-kitchen tables. The floor is checkered black and white, but it's scuffed, and dirty; many people have been here. The vibe is students, hipsters, women, men, different ethnicities. People with headphones, others listening to the soft piano music and the clanging and spurting of the coffee machine in the background. 

This morning/whole day I was with my mom, my Grandma, my aunt Laura, and my sister Stefani. We went to an old mansion in SF that had been remodeled; every room was decorated by a different designer. 

After we went to brunch at a place called Sweet Maple. While waiting for our reservation, we went into a spice shop. I sampled a black truffle sea salt -- it was incredible, the taste lingering in my mouth till we ate. The maple, spicy, grass-fed bacon at the restaurant was unreal. I had an asparagus omelette with the bacon, parmesan, asapargas, and hollandaise sauce sprinkled on top. 

After, we walked back to the car, stopping at an open house along the way. It was a studio that was for sale, and it reminded me of all the possibilities I'll have after college -- that day I buy or rent my own place in the city, or somewhere other than Berkeley. It gave me hope. It comforted me. 

We then headed to Berkeley, went to Ici, and now here I am, trying to write a paper on land-conflicts in Paraguay. 

When Bri and I first got here there was a man sitting in the corner, and he asked me how my day was going. Everyone assumes that when people say hi, they're trying to make a move on you. People can be nice now and then, ya know? It's no novel concept. I always tell strangers good morning or have a good day, and it was so refreshing to have that in return -- to see what a difference just saying hello can make. 

I'm content. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm at peace. I'm thrilled and disrupted, all at the same time. My feeling is great. 

My Manifesto

This is my Manifesto. I wrote this on March 10th in a book my mom got me on a weekend getaway to wine country. It's called What's on your top 10 list? It's been a rough week and semester and it was time for me to remember the passion I had right when I got back from Bologna. Tonight was so great though. wandered through campus with Annie, Mar, Judi, and Lauren. We ran through   sprinklers, climbed on buildings, laid in the grass, and laughed so hard we almost cried. But on that note,  here it goes, my Manifesto:

TRAVEL. Savor each and every person, thing, experience, and interaction that comes your way because you are not all-knowing, but you can still ingest the knowledge of different sectors of the world that you've been lucky enough to encounter. Be at peace. Be passionate and -- with love -- pursue the things that burn and fuel the fire inside your soul. Breathe easy, tread light, and strive willingly. Do not let the negatives define you. Appreciate yourself and how much good you have in your life. Do not settle -- your life is brilliant and precious, and with exquisite courage -- you can truly do anything you desire. Be good. Do good. Continuously ask yourself -- Am I happy, do I feel challenged -- if you're not. Then change it.