Anxious

I'm getting anxious to go exploring again. I want to go somewhere new. Somewhere wild. I want to engage with cultures unlike any other. I want to meet new people and expand my mind. 

I miss the hospitality and kindness of people I met on my travels, and in Bologna, when I studied abroad. 

Today marks 6 months since I've been back from Italy, and to be frank... I don't feel quite whole yet. I know I should have fully transitioned by now, but it isn't so. I think I belong somewhere else. 

Maybe I'm a wanderer. Maybe I'm not meant to stay in a place for long. Or maybe I found my place, and I need to return to it. 

Certainty will never be present, but in the mean time, I can just try to figure out me, go with the flow, and let my feet take me where I need to be. 

Sunrise

Reconnecting with old friends, acquaintances, or people you've had brief encounters with is beautiful. As well as seeing a different, but amazing, side of someone you thought you knew so well.

A group of friends and I hung out yesterday and then sat on the roof of my apartment. Layered in blankets, we sat in a circle and talked about everything. Laughing til we cried, and just opening up about so many things. We all talked for so long, that we started to notice the sun was rising. I haven't watched the sun rise in so long.

Those moments where you hear the city come alive, and you feel like you're one of the only people awake at that moment - as if you're the only person that exists and the world is yours - are completely stunning. You feel so capable and so humble. Especially when you're sharing that moment with other people who you're learning new things about. Just the absolute fact that you all can share that sunrise together, that one sunrise that can never be recreated in that exact form, is so special and so binding. 

And then the sun comes up, and that feeling of ownership diminishes during the day, but you still feel - and know - that the connection is there and forever will be. 

Renewal

When considering a job offer, one of my cousins gave me some much needed job advice, and life insight. Since I first received the offer, I began to wish I could just talk to my future self and hear how I would reflect on my decision 5-10 years down the line, and hear whether or not this is the right job to take. 

I wanted to know:

Would I regret taking it? 

Not taking it? 

Should I wait for something else? 

Is this the right type of job to pursue? 

Is this the right location? 

She didn't give me the answers, or force-feed them down my throat, but merely told me how she would feel if she had this opportunity, and how she would feel if she did, or did not, take the job. 

Us having similar majors, I told her the two career paths I was thinking about taking, and she gave me her wisdom about which ones are more or less accessible. She let me know the reality of each, and didn't sugar coat either one. 

I wish I could describe her words and wisdom succinctly, and remember how she phrased each sentence so eloquently, but there is one thing in particular that I remember her saying: the importance of having a place of renewal. 

Going to Bologna, and being so lucky to have a campus/city/location like Berkeley has shown me how important space and place is in terms of self-restoration and creation. It wasn't until recently that I made the clear connection that making the effort to be in beautiful, calming, and special places, allows you to continue getting through all of the rough patches -- a place of renewal.  

She asked me to think of what my place of renewal was, and see how that aligned with where I saw myself in the next 5 years. I then realized, I have many places of renewal. And that this particular offer -- a year long job amid the redwoods -- would be a beautiful place of renewal for the short term and long term.

So, here's to having a job -- ALMOST -- right out of college, and exploring one of my places of renewal. 

How to explore

Good and Great

In the midst of everything going on, this photo, and this quote is so completely relevant. I have my first real job offer. And sometimes it's weird to pull away from something you know so well, not because you fear change, but because you know you have something so good. But... as the quote says (and sorry to be cliche), maybe it's time to find something great and extraordinary. 

Graduation

Graduation. There's so much to say. So much that comes to mind, and yet describing my emotions in a few coherent sentences seems impossible. I feel like a bipolar cave-woman every time I try to say how I feel about this experience -- optimism and hope pulling me in one direction, and absolute sheer terror pulling me in the other. My brain feels scattered, as it constantly thinks: 

change. life. growth. possibilities. fear. unknown. under-prepared. so very prepared. excited. terrified. adventurous. limited. unlimited. unrefined. polished. CHAOS. excitement. wonder. money. NO MONEY. travel. desk. foreign. abroad. local. bay area. environmental. grad school. FORGET IT ALL. bring it world. success. SQUIRREL (just kidding guys). health. 

These are just a smidgen of the things that are running through my brain. Like I said... I feel like a crazy person. Trying to calm down my ideas and just relax has definitely been nothing short of challenging. And at the same time, I'm trying to go with the flow and realize that the majority of graduates are feeling the exact same way that I am. 

The one feeling though that I can't seem to shake off is: loneliness. 

Seeing Berkeley, even just hours after general commencement ended, made me realize how many of my friends are not going to be in Berkeley for the summer and/or are permanently moving back home. 

I went from constantly being surrounded by some of the most amazing people I have ever met, to flying solo. It scared me the first few days. It jolted me and slapped me in the face... real, real hard. 

But, as I sit on my childhood bedroom floor, writing this blog post, I think back to nearly 10 months ago -- before I left for Italy. I was sitting in this same exact spot, sobbing and shaking with fear. And yet, Bologna turned out to be the best experience of my life. 

My ability to cope with change has become so much better, but I would be lying if part of me said I was not terrified for the future. 

I'm mainly scared about not blossoming into the person I've always wanted to be, and worried about meeting new people. I love meeting new people, but I'm so content with the people I know now. I worry about not living up to all of the dreams and goals I have set for myself. I really want to conquer all of them.

So for now, I just need to try and stay focused, positive, and driven. 

Love

Most of the time, I am a strong advocate of being an independent woman. 

Who says you need a partner to be happy, an "other" to define you, and make you feel whole. I strongly believe every person should feel whole without a partner in their life. 

However, there are those moments, where I just yearn for love. Yearn for moments with someone who makes you feel so comfortable, and gives you flutters. I've become more realistic as I've aged, but at the same time, I am the definition of a hopeless romantic. 

I dream of the ever-so-talked-about-girl-meets-boy-in-cafe scenario. 
The "finding your love in college" encounter. 
The walks, the fights, the dreams, the bucket-lists. 
The friendship that turns into something greater -- what you've always wanted. 
The traveling. The late night talks. 
The sparkle in each other's eyes, the one that never fades. 

I dream. I let my mind wander. I imagine. 

I then take a deep breath, and go back to focusing on me.