Body

My body is not perfect or imperfect. It simply is. Just as you are, and I am. 
It carries my thoughts, my blood, my wishes, and my history. 
In a society packed with critiques, images, and skewed ideas of standard body proportions -- it is often proven to be a treacherous road to acceptance. 
Media has taught me to loathe my bone structure. My strength. My muscles. My height. My skin. 
I have been trained to be continuously unsatisfied with the state of my body. I have never been shown by mainstream what it actually means to distinguish healthy from deprivation, strength from starvation. 
The majority does not teach us the path to self-acceptance. We instead must find quiet institutions, that are unknown and/or unsupported by society, to discover what it means to be a person, with your own undefinable and unique proportions. 
We are not taught by society to put good food into our bodies. We are told to deprive, IN ADDITION to ignoring the ethical, biological, and economical logistics of the food that advertising and corporations encourage us to eat. 
We are not taught to put love into the earth that has provided the resources that made AND maintain this body that we have, that I have, that you have. We are not taught to make those resources whole, genuine, and nutritious. We are not taught that our body, our food, and our earth deserves to be: 
loved
adored
worshiped
appreciated
cared for
fed
savored
We pick. We count. We dread. We feel guilt. We reject what makes us people, women, beings, human. 
And yet, we are judged from deviating from that framework. JUDGED for acceptance, love, and happiness... the very things people in this country claim to be exhaustively and blindly in PURSUIT of. 
It's time for some restructuring in this country. It is time to restructure our minds and stop trying to restructure our bodies. Because to be in a place where you are looked down upon for loving who you are, in body, mind, and spirit -- and for caring for your body and what you put into it -- is insanity. 
This is my body: 

It does not need your approval, your opinion, or your critiques. Because it just is. And it always will simply just be, for the rest of the time that I proceed to exist on this planet that has made me. This planet that has made us. And sustains us. 

I hope you have the courage to realize it. live it. breathe it. radiate it. 

Gratitude

As I have stated a million times -- quite possibly to the point where it becomes nauseating to hear again, sorry guys  -- I've been on the difficult journey of becoming at peace with myself again (since my return from Italy). 

It took me a few months in Italy to get to that state of flow and ease I had. I learned how to operate and be at peace within the Italian culture. Thus, being transplanted to the stress-ridden culture of the Untied States in under 24 hours proved to be a surprisingly huge obstacle in my continuance of peace on the mainland. 

I assumed that the lifestyle I had adopted over those 6 months before was totally ingrained in me. And, to a degree, it was. But I let it become clouded and filled with barriers without even noticing it. 

When I got back to the United States, I was hyper-aware of every single way that the States was worse/different/separate from Italy. I tried to be thankful for what was around me, but it was difficult to savor a culture that doesn't really savor. I kept comparing it to Italy, seeing where it faulted and fell short. 

My education and majors didn't help with this much either; my courses are centered around combating the problems of this nation, our culture, and the world (or more so the problems that we cause in this world). Which is so beautiful and inspiring, but.... it doesn't exactly restore your faith and level of gratitude toward the USA. 

I knew this is why I was having such a difficult time. I tried writing and speaking about, and even emoting, how I was grateful for various aspects of the California and States' culture. But deep down -- I was still hooked on Italy and I was truly living in the past. A day didn't go by where I didn't think of Italy -- what I would be doing that day if I were still there, what I was doing exactly a year ago on that day, etc. 

After months of grinding away and practicing gratitude, engaging in art, surrounding myself with the most BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL people, getting in touch with nature, reading, meditating, exercising, and listening to music, I have found myself entering a state of peace again. I can't give anyone a formula that will grant you happiness and a state of peace in a specific timeline, but I can say this:

Fight for gratitude and happiness will come your way. 
I don't mean stress yourself out over finding gratitude, but I do mean, persevere through the haze, push through the moments where connectivity lacks, and strive for what you deserve. Appreciate the journey, as hard as that may be, and keep your surroundings as positive as possible. Let yourself be vulnerable, and feel. 

It took me about 8-9 months to reengage with this state of peace. I'm still not as peaceful as I was in Italy. In Italy I had this sense of flow. Every situation was greeted with the same neutrality (by this I don't mean lack of emotions) and tranquility. However, I have found a new form of gratitude and happiness. 

I don't think I will ever be able to express the power of gratitude, vulnerability, presence, and warmth and how the realization of their importance has transformed my life and my understanding of myself.