Profess

We live in a nation fearful of profession. 

   Profession,

     Of raw-biting emotion.

     Of vulnerable interactions. 

     Of feeling extreme highs and intense lows. 

     Of embarrasing truths. 

     Of identity. 

     Of tenderness. 

     Of openness. 

     Of acceptance. 

Our nation is so fearful of the act of professing our innermost feelings that if someone does it -- people either feel the need to guard themselves, or feel incredibly refreshed that someone actually didn't feel weird saying how they actually FEEL. 

Now those are two bittersweet and contrasting reactions, however they both indicate that profession is not threaded into the bones of our societal norms; both reactions are a response to foreignness, to something "other." 

I find it so interesting that our society is so detached from our own personal emotions that whenever someone begins to express themselves, people begin to feel awkward. We don't know how to profess, to express, to listen, or empathize. Words are such a powerfully underrated thing, and there is nothing more beautiful and appealing than someone who knows how to use their language craftily and deeply. 

Every personal statement I share comes from a tender place. I have composed my thoughts, and taken the time to tell someone what is on my mind -- this isn't always easy, but I do it because I love the feeling of destroying barriers and increasing flow and openness within my interactions. I've heard so many stories of people who spent their life wishing they had said a particular statement to someone, told someone how much they loved them, reconnected with a person, or told the world what was really on their mind.

When people tell these stories to me, I can see the regret and longing in their eyes. Some people obviously reach contentment, forgiveness, or acceptance with the fact that they never said anything, but still -- they know, and I know, that their lives would have been much different if they had something, anything. Even if you're tongue-tied, shaking, nervous, and don't even know where to begin... a single world can still begin a cascade of phrases, thoughts, and desires.

In the present moment, interactions may seem small and insignificant -- like how could a phrase have so much power and influence over the direction and course of my life!? But profession can truly change things. I know for me, it most certainly has.

It can enhance a connection with someone.
It can mean the difference between having a networking connection or not.
It can change the way you personally feel and value yourself.
It can inspire others to be more open.
It can allow you to explore your wildest of ideas and goals.

It can be the difference between getting through something alone or with support.
It can do so many things, if you just gather up a few seconds of  courage to bash down societal norms and just say whatever is on your mind. 

In the moment you may feel like a fool for making yourself so vulnerable and honest with someone, but being exposed and real is such a more fulfilling way to live than being closed off; it is so much better than being the ultimate guard of your own emotions and being the wall that encloses your own greatest potential. 

Don't hold back. Don't hesitate. Don't overthink 

Just profess 

     and let it flow.

One Year of Adulthood

For the past few months I've been feeling plateaued; feeling like my personal growth has almost come to a screeching halt. Luckily, the last few weeks have been filled with positive changes and I definitely feel like I'm breaking out of that "coasting" feeling, but still.... that plateau sparked some serious introspection and questioning.

I kept wondering -- how did I get to this plateau? I started to think about what changes have happened over the past year: what I've learned, who I've met, new things I've tried, and places I've been.

Upon reflecting, I realized I had become desensitized to how much has indeed -- changed, and how much I have indeed -- grown, over the past year. So I took some time to marinade in some gratitude, and I made a comprehensive list of what has changed over the past year.

Over the past year I:

- Went from being unemployed to having a full time job.
- Moved from Berkeley to an entirely new place.
- Broke my usual routine of college and stepped into "adult-hood."
- Learned an entire new profession and job that I didn't study for during my undergrad.
- Relearned how to use a compass
- Relearned how to orient myself in the woods, while using a map.
- Learned how to walk with strength, speed, and balance when walking through the woods (off trail)
- Learned tree identification
- Learned how to use a chainsaw
- Learned how to drive and load/unload a quad.
- Learned how to live by myself in a tiny town.
- Learned how to rock climb and boulder.
- Went from having my parents pay for absolutely everything, to financially supporting myself more than I ever have before.
- Learned how to work completely by myself in the woods on a daily basis.
- Learned how to make executive decisions in a profession that I wasn't that familiar with.
- Learned how to survey an endangered species (Northern Spotted Owl).
- Learned how to do stream monitoring for salmon restoration projects.
- Learned (and am still learning) the practice of Silviculture.
- Learned how to navigate the woods at night, by myself.
- Learned how to drive a massive truck, with a 600 pound quad loaded in the back, on tiny, tiny dirt roads.
- Overcame high anxiety.
- Overcame hives and anxiety-induced acne.
- Met new people and developed a community full of some of the most incredible people I've ever met, when I had originally thought I would meet absolutely NO ONE in this town.
- Went to Coachella.
- Am now 100% comfortable with driving in SF by myself (and I do it calmly).
- Was apart of many reforestation projects, and was able to plant hundreds of redwood seedlings.
- Started painting again.
- Started reading for pleasure again.
- Hiked Half-Dome.
- Tried lake surfing.
- Became CPR and First-Aid certified.
- Saw Above and Beyond with incredible people.
- Completed the 100 Happy Days Challenge
- Had my brother return from deployment.
- Had my nephew born into the world.

And so much more. Looking forward to more challenges and adventures in the future months to come.

Power

There is a precious power that lies in human connection; close connections. 

It's so captivating how someone can pull thoughts, epiphanies, and courage from the most hidden depths of your mind and soul. It paralyzes me with tranquility and bliss when someone is able to unleash my fullest potential and my innermost desires, dreams, and concerns. 

Strangers can do this. Family, friends, professors, nature, and even cities can do this... bring out the tangible, exquisite you. 

I consistently try to surround myself with people and environments where this happens. When it does happen -- it feels unstoppable. 

That powerful form of intimate soul-opening expression, living, and feeling is necessary for my existence, for my rejuvenation, and for my happiness. 

Whenever I become reacquainted with people, places, and experiences -- that foster this sense of being -- I realize first and foremost: 

I need to prioritize managing my mental ecosystem.
People need to prioritize managing their mental ecosystems. 

It is OKAY to be "selfish" and take care of yourself. 
It is OKAY to break societal norms. 
It is OKAY to move on from a situation without an apology or closure.
It is OKAY to actively exercise compassion to people.
It is OKAY to ask for help. 
It is OKAY to not have other's approval. 

It is OKAY to do things that YOU WANT to do, for the very sake of it taking care of YOUR SOUL and making YOU infinitely happier. And sometimes, we all need help in doing these things... in remembering that we can do these things: be "selfish," be "different," be "perfectly imperfect." And that's why, it is so important to surround yourself with people who can bring your potential and light out of you,  especially when you're finding it so incredibly to difficult to see and feel certain qualities within yourself.

Sometimes, we all need care and connection from others to help us manage our mental ecosystems, and thus restore our foundations, our levels of happiness, and our openness to the world. 

And that is not only perfectly okay, but it is often necessary. Never forget that value of that power.

So in the mean time... set up your support systems and put yourself in spaces and places where those around you can encourage you, love you, and inspire you when things get hazy. 

Realization

I have come to the official realization that I need 

a new place, 

a new space, 

a new routine. 

A place to really grow into myself.

This isn't a bad thing; it just means it is time for me to move on and for things to change. 

Places and people come into your life for a purpose, and once that purpose is fulfilled --I truly believe that it is time *and healthy* to move on. 

That's always been something I've battled with: when to stick out something because it's apparently *right,* or when to keep someone around because you supposedly still *love* them. This isn't to say that experiences, places, or people are disposable, because that's definitely not the case. 

But, I think it's important to accept and address when something has reached it's end; to accept when your passion for something feels exhausted... even if social norms or other people tell you -- that what you have in front of you -- is perfect. 

Sometimes, there's a huge grey area between what's considered being ungrateful, and what's considered engaging with your personal self-respect and standards. 

But if you know yourself, and if you engage in mindfulness, you'll know what you truly deserve and what you're actually grateful for. 

Things are in transition right now. Things are hazy. Things are coasting. I'm in between changes, awaiting and looking for the next challenge.

Apology

Last Monday morning, I woke up to my phone going off; my eyes were puffy, tired, and could hardly open. 

"It's still dark outside, how could it already be time for me to get up for work?" 

As I began to slowly wake up, I realized I had received two text messages, and that my alarm was definitely not going off. I was still curious as to what the actual time was.

With every ounce of energy that I had -- and trust me, there wasn't that much -- I reached for my phone and checked the time. 

3:50 in the morning. Damn.

I checked my text messages, and I had received the longest -- and most unexpected text -- from someone I hadn't spoken with in months. 

The text message was an apology. An apology I never thought I'd receive. 

It was raw. It was honest. It was genuinely kind. 

I had made some weird form of peace with the idea that I'd never hear these words from this person. I accepted the fact that maybe they'd never understand me. 

And yet, there it was... presenting me with a form of closure and acceptance I never expected to receive.  

It's so interesting that life can give you closure at the most unexpected times. 

Self-Marginalization

This week has been beautiful, challenging, and spontaneous; it has truly pushed me out of my comfort zone. 

I have started owl-calling, which means I have night shifts for work now. I arrive at work an hour before sunset, quad out to where the first owl-calling station is, and I begin work just after sunset. 

The woods are so breathtaking at sunset. The hues of the landscape become soft, tinted, muted. The sky -- clear. The breeze -- calm and warm. The branches -- still. 

Right now I'm working with another person at all times. It's quite comforting and I always feel completely at ease. But soon, I'll be working on my own route. People will still be nearby, but I'll be doing my own stations, and they'll be doing theirs. While doing these night shifts, there is definitely many opportunities to come into contact with mountain lions, hogs, and bears. 

I'm going to have to learn to trust myself and my own capabilities; to genuinely know and believe that my body and mind will take care of me in any situation -- that I can take care of myself. 
It's so interesting to have a job that puts me in situations that actually make me use my body and the way it has evolved to function; I actually utilize my body's strength and senses for a LIVING. 

To do this job definitely puts me out of known and comfortable territory; it constantly pushes me to get to know nature and myself so much better than I ever thought possible. 

A friend spontaneously visited me this weekend, and Saturday night we were talking about my job and backpacking. We were talking about how the more growth-opportunity situations you choose to put yourself in, the more you're peeling down to the core of who you really are; you're shedding "surface" layers and getting to a deeper and more tangible YOU. We talked about how, the more of these situations you place yourself in, the more difficult it is to relate and connect with people on the same level. And in lieu of these situations, my friend then wisely stated that when people do this, 

"You are knowingly marginalizing yourself." 

I found so much power in this statement. I think in many situations (or with lifestyle choices) -- but not all -- people have  two distinct choices: 
1. To do something less daring and less unusual, in order to maintain compatibility with their peers; to keep things comfortable. However, the person will know that they are missing out on an experience that could further their own personal growth and well-being. 
2. To do something spontaneous, unusual, daring, and isolating, while very well-knowing that the experience could make you have less things in common with -- or possibly even grow apart from -- some of your peers. This is the self-marginalization. 

Neither option is wrong. Both hold value and weight. And some times you can have both; you can have unusual experiences, but still be comfortable with your peers. 
While talking with my friend this weekend, we realized that through my job, doing things like studying abroad, our hobbies/interests, etc. -- that we self-marginalizing ourselves from the majority. We've noticed that it is becoming more difficult to connect with people on levels that are as deep as the ones that we're uncovering in ourselves. 

But -- as we were having this conversation -- we had this beautiful realization of how many people in our lives DO connect with us on these levels, and DO accept us throughout our changes and journeys. We also fully realized that this group of people included each other. 

It was such a simple, yet exquisite realization to have. 

Romance

Through all of the differing colored hues and configured lenses in which every person views life, everyone has a varying idea of romance. 

There is the quintessential definition of romance that we all, of course, know: 

          *a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. 

I define myself as a hopeless romantic; this used to manifest itself as never-ending day dreaming of me finding the ever-so-longed-for "one." I craved to have some sort of external assurance from the world that I would never end up alone -- never end up as the crazy cat lady who knits and watches Golden Girls more than she actually leaves her front porch. I grasped onto this idea for so long, until -- after a long string of life events -- I realized that this idea of love, romance, and LIFE did not hold water for me anymore. This idea of life and living was too narrow, too rigid, too suffocating for me. 

I have now rediscovered and embraced a definition of romance that latches onto my heart and continuously pulls me, and sometimes drags me, to new and uncharted adventures, people, and experiences: 

          *a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. synonyms include: exoticism and mystique. 

I don't want to hold onto the idea of finding "the one." I don't want my over-arching hope in life to be to find "THE ONE." I want my interactions and hopes to be wired with the passion of falling in love with as many people, places, experiences, and things as possible. I never want my love and openness for anything in this world to be muted or diluted by the comfort of finding, or having, that ONE person to extend all (or the majority) of my love and heart to. 

Of course, people can embody both definitions of romance, but I think our society force-feeds women this idea that happiness lies in an engagement ring, a white dress, and a huge party that follows; that you aren't fulfilled until you prove to the world that you are officially marriage material. I am not putting down marriage, but I am putting down the glorified pursuance of it; the idea that it HAS to happen. 

While living in Bologna, I realized that the TITLE OF SOUL-MATES is not limited to the ones your marry, or nearly marry. Your soul-mates can be friends and cities and things you haven't even experienced yet; places you haven't been. 

You can fall madly in love with winding cobbled streets lined with cafes. 

You can fall madly in love with your first friend you met at college. 

You can fall madly in love with the stranger who shares their umbrella with you, for just 5 minutes. 

You can fall madly in love with the sound of the ocean, the way the sun warms your face, and the way the cold, cold winter chaps and burns the backs of your hands. 

You can fall madly in love with the pursuance of adventure and new experiences; those rushes of adrenaline and fear. 

You can give your heart to so many things, and leave pieces of your heart in so many places -- if you choose to. There is less security in this, but to me, there is such a greater return. I don't want to live my life with the intention of reserving my heart for just ONE. 

I want to share it, diversify it, and open it to the world and all that it has to offer.