Self-Marginalization

This week has been beautiful, challenging, and spontaneous; it has truly pushed me out of my comfort zone. 

I have started owl-calling, which means I have night shifts for work now. I arrive at work an hour before sunset, quad out to where the first owl-calling station is, and I begin work just after sunset. 

The woods are so breathtaking at sunset. The hues of the landscape become soft, tinted, muted. The sky -- clear. The breeze -- calm and warm. The branches -- still. 

Right now I'm working with another person at all times. It's quite comforting and I always feel completely at ease. But soon, I'll be working on my own route. People will still be nearby, but I'll be doing my own stations, and they'll be doing theirs. While doing these night shifts, there is definitely many opportunities to come into contact with mountain lions, hogs, and bears. 

I'm going to have to learn to trust myself and my own capabilities; to genuinely know and believe that my body and mind will take care of me in any situation -- that I can take care of myself. 
It's so interesting to have a job that puts me in situations that actually make me use my body and the way it has evolved to function; I actually utilize my body's strength and senses for a LIVING. 

To do this job definitely puts me out of known and comfortable territory; it constantly pushes me to get to know nature and myself so much better than I ever thought possible. 

A friend spontaneously visited me this weekend, and Saturday night we were talking about my job and backpacking. We were talking about how the more growth-opportunity situations you choose to put yourself in, the more you're peeling down to the core of who you really are; you're shedding "surface" layers and getting to a deeper and more tangible YOU. We talked about how, the more of these situations you place yourself in, the more difficult it is to relate and connect with people on the same level. And in lieu of these situations, my friend then wisely stated that when people do this, 

"You are knowingly marginalizing yourself." 

I found so much power in this statement. I think in many situations (or with lifestyle choices) -- but not all -- people have  two distinct choices: 
1. To do something less daring and less unusual, in order to maintain compatibility with their peers; to keep things comfortable. However, the person will know that they are missing out on an experience that could further their own personal growth and well-being. 
2. To do something spontaneous, unusual, daring, and isolating, while very well-knowing that the experience could make you have less things in common with -- or possibly even grow apart from -- some of your peers. This is the self-marginalization. 

Neither option is wrong. Both hold value and weight. And some times you can have both; you can have unusual experiences, but still be comfortable with your peers. 
While talking with my friend this weekend, we realized that through my job, doing things like studying abroad, our hobbies/interests, etc. -- that we self-marginalizing ourselves from the majority. We've noticed that it is becoming more difficult to connect with people on levels that are as deep as the ones that we're uncovering in ourselves. 

But -- as we were having this conversation -- we had this beautiful realization of how many people in our lives DO connect with us on these levels, and DO accept us throughout our changes and journeys. We also fully realized that this group of people included each other. 

It was such a simple, yet exquisite realization to have. 

Romance

Through all of the differing colored hues and configured lenses in which every person views life, everyone has a varying idea of romance. 

There is the quintessential definition of romance that we all, of course, know: 

          *a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. 

I define myself as a hopeless romantic; this used to manifest itself as never-ending day dreaming of me finding the ever-so-longed-for "one." I craved to have some sort of external assurance from the world that I would never end up alone -- never end up as the crazy cat lady who knits and watches Golden Girls more than she actually leaves her front porch. I grasped onto this idea for so long, until -- after a long string of life events -- I realized that this idea of love, romance, and LIFE did not hold water for me anymore. This idea of life and living was too narrow, too rigid, too suffocating for me. 

I have now rediscovered and embraced a definition of romance that latches onto my heart and continuously pulls me, and sometimes drags me, to new and uncharted adventures, people, and experiences: 

          *a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. synonyms include: exoticism and mystique. 

I don't want to hold onto the idea of finding "the one." I don't want my over-arching hope in life to be to find "THE ONE." I want my interactions and hopes to be wired with the passion of falling in love with as many people, places, experiences, and things as possible. I never want my love and openness for anything in this world to be muted or diluted by the comfort of finding, or having, that ONE person to extend all (or the majority) of my love and heart to. 

Of course, people can embody both definitions of romance, but I think our society force-feeds women this idea that happiness lies in an engagement ring, a white dress, and a huge party that follows; that you aren't fulfilled until you prove to the world that you are officially marriage material. I am not putting down marriage, but I am putting down the glorified pursuance of it; the idea that it HAS to happen. 

While living in Bologna, I realized that the TITLE OF SOUL-MATES is not limited to the ones your marry, or nearly marry. Your soul-mates can be friends and cities and things you haven't even experienced yet; places you haven't been. 

You can fall madly in love with winding cobbled streets lined with cafes. 

You can fall madly in love with your first friend you met at college. 

You can fall madly in love with the stranger who shares their umbrella with you, for just 5 minutes. 

You can fall madly in love with the sound of the ocean, the way the sun warms your face, and the way the cold, cold winter chaps and burns the backs of your hands. 

You can fall madly in love with the pursuance of adventure and new experiences; those rushes of adrenaline and fear. 

You can give your heart to so many things, and leave pieces of your heart in so many places -- if you choose to. There is less security in this, but to me, there is such a greater return. I don't want to live my life with the intention of reserving my heart for just ONE. 

I want to share it, diversify it, and open it to the world and all that it has to offer. 

Dazzlement

Spring has so very eloquently sprung. 
And as I find myself immersed in sunshine, chirping birds, blooming flowers, and soft inland breezes, I can't help but think of how wonderful and delicate life is. 

If we have never been amazed by the very fact that we exist, we are squandering the greatest fact of all. -- Will Durant 

I recently watched a Ted Talk that said OUR CHANCES, (yes, yours, mine, ours, AND your mother's uncle) of being born in this particular time, place, and circumstance are 1 in 400,000,000,000. That is considering all natural disasters, the chances of your ancestors meeting and mating, specific egg and sperm combinations, and so much more! 

Just take a moment to think about that, and let that staggering number simmer inside you for a few minutes. Do it. 

Through the beautiful fragility of our very chances of being born, there is some serious strength -- and should be some serious gratitude -- in YOUR very existence; this means your every day life, human and nature interactions, inner-dialogue, ambitions, and desires. 

Executing appreciation for life is different for every person. But personally... I can't help, but look at that number -- that signifies just how freaking lucky I am to be alive -- and think: 

Everyone deserves a lovely existence.

Everyone.

I hope this number -- this 1 in 400,000,000,000 -- helps you redefine what a lovely existence means for yourself, your interactions with friends and family, your meetings with nature, and your encounters with strangers. 

I hope you let your life be YOUR DEFINITION of lovely, and I hope you help others magnify and realize their own definition of what lovely means. 

"If you shine your light, others may see how to do the same. You can ignite a chain reaction of illumation that is unstoppable." - Dylan Patterson

For me, I realize more and more each day that, in all of my interactions, I want to propagate comfort and care, in every encounter I have, so that it can hopefully manifest itself into a greater sense of ease, flow, acceptance, and happiness for at least one other person in this world. 

And with that said, 

...the probability of any one of us being born exactly as we are in this precise time and place is so unlikely that your very existence verges on the miraculous and should be a continuing source of dazzlement for you. 

Dazzle on my friends. 

Identity

Sometimes standing your ground on what you want your identity to be can be incredibly intimidating. It takes great courage to dismantle people's preconceived ideas of who you are -- especially people who have known you for years or in identity-specific settings. When you're further removed from your origins, you can feel more liberated to pursue the persona that you feel you've always had, or have always wanted to emit. When you are given this opportunity, and then placed back into a setting where people are cemented in the idea of who you used to be -- it can be challenging to maintain the new identity that you've grown into; it can be easy to pick up old habits/thought processes, and it can be uncomfortable to be insistent on the fact that you have, indeed, changed (especially when the people you're surrounding yourself with haven't necessarily changed, or can't identify with the new changes you have made -- so out of comfort you don't emphasize the new changes that you have made). 

I'm really seeking out to be comfortable with making situations a little bit uncomfortable, if it means that I am able to show others who I really am, and who I have grown into. I love it when others feel comfortable, but I shouldn't sacrifice my personal comfort and change who I have become to make others feel comfortable -- especially since they aren't actually taking the time to relearn me and my changes. As good of intentions these people may have, it is still disrespectful and hurtful that they can't take some time to see if I have changed over time. 

I keep procrastinating on how I truly carry out who I actually am; I keep waiting for there to be particular changes within myself and others, or I keep waiting for the perfect timing. And if I keep putting it off any longer, another year of dissatisfaction -- another year of not living my life as who I truly am --will soar by. And I'm tired of being afraid to truly show who I am; it shouldn't take a foreign country, where I know NO ONE, to let me completely grow into myself and show that identity to others. 

I've spent months trying to find certain ways to make myself comfortable with myself and showing others my identity, and within the past week, I've realized that I am the one prohibiting myself from being who I want to be -- not others. Others, and their judgments or oblivion, can serve as obstacles in regards to how easy it is for me to be who I want to be... but ultimately, I decide whether or not I let that redefine me. This realization, although simple, took time and much introspection to realize. And it will take even more practice for these ideologies to manifest themselves. But... in time, I will be fearless with self-expression and confidence. And, I am especially comforted by the fact that I have truly realized that today is the day to start making these changes. 

Music

Music is so important to me. The way a song and a melody can express things you didn't even know you were feeling... it's just so incredible and comforting. I feel like someone's taste in music has the potential to reveal so much about them; I find that I get along best with people who have more diverse tastes in music, or are open to hearing new genres. The older I get, the more I realize I want people in my life who will share music and beautiful experiences with me. 

People who: 
~ can cook with me on a Sunday afternoon, while softly singing Etta James. 
~ will spontaneously road trip it with me to the farthest National Park in the winter time, while we wear scarves of red 'tied round our throats, and scream Fleet Foxes. 
~ lay in the grass with me as someone gently strums on their guitar. 
~ shamelessly dance with me till 4am to top hits, ratchet beats, and gnarly rap.
~ are open to electronic music, swing, classical, jazz, and blues. 
~ roll down all of the car windows -- on warm summer nights or freezing rainy days -- and blast our favorite indies, oldies, or 90's songs as we let the wind sift through our hair. 
~ cuddle up on couches with me with Bon Iver, Feist, and Ray LaMontagne playing in the background, as we relax quietly or have deep conversations. 
~ will spend days at the ocean with me, soaking up the rays and jamming to reggae, or our guilty pleasure pop songs. 
~ wake up slowly to Jack Johnson and Zee Avi on weekend mornings.
~ have a soft-spot for slow jams, Adele, and Coldplay when they're feeling blue.
~ drunkenly (and terribly) play heart and soul with me on the piano in the middle of the night. 
~ get feisty to The Black Keys, Cat Empire, Disclosure, Tyga, and Calvin Harris and can kick it in a pub with a few beers. 
~ reminisce with me on how the Garden State soundtrack totally changed their perception of everything when we were in high school. 
~ will continuously share and explore music and the world with me. 

Respond

The less I talk to and reach out to the people who bring me down -- even if I love and care about them, and they love and care about me, the more my life SIGNIFICANTLY improves. Some may call that selfish, but I call it healthy and necessary.

Spaces

**note, this post is just about spaces, and what YOU can do to make others feel comfortable. this post does not acknowledge the many layers of complexities that go into people's ability to access, or live within, said spaces. and it definitely does not acknowledge global dynamics. 

I value cultivating spaces in which myself, and others, feel comfortable, open, and able to explore interests, discussions, and who they are. 

Personal internal dialogue and interest exploration -- and expression -- is often stigmatized as a private entity within the United States; public or open declaration of our struggles, curiosities, or desires is unwarranted unless it fits certain criteria on how it's delivered, what the content is, and who the audience is. Pursuing vulnerability, or raw and wounded desires, is not easily welcomed by the masses, and it's especially not welcomed on social media (excluding sites like tumblr, which thankfully encourage and accept a sense of anonymity to people's profiles, due to our society's general void of spaces that allow for intimate communities and dialogues of self-expression). 

To many, there is obviously an ever-so-delicate line between "over-sharing" and voicing something that needs to be unleashed, but just because someone says something deep, unusual, or profound, DOES NOT mean it's over-sharing. 

Over-sharing is not only relative to every individual, but it is -- in part -- caused by our society's suppression of those gnawing or blooming thoughts that creep up within us every day. 

The ones you act on, or don't act on. 
The ones that paralyze you, or ignite you. 
The ones you wish you could just shout, or proclaim as soon as they arise. 

We've all had these thoughts at least once in our lives: 
To deny this, means to accept one's self-cementing in our society's fear of confrontation and the act of feeling.

I'm not happy. 
I am happy.
I really need someone to talk to. 
I LIKE YOU. 
That made me cry/tear up/sad/angry/happy.
We should kiss. 
I deserve better.
You deserve better. 
I know we just met, but you're wicked (or insert other desired adjective) cool and I know we hardly know each other, but we should be friends. 
I NEED (LOVE, A HUG, FOOD, ADVENTURE, YOU)
This isn't what I want my life to be like. 
THIS IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED. 
I want to change. 
LISTEN. 
I feel like I've known you for years.
I miss you. 
Woah, you're attractive.
I am okay. 
I AM _______.
I AM NOT ________. 

We NEED more spaces and resources that support a sense of COMFORT, a sense of OKAY; a reassurance that all that we feel, think, believe, want to say, don't say, actually say, and desire is OKAY. 

We all have these long internal checklists of 

how we're supposed to present ourselves, 
what we're supposed to pursue, 
how we're supposed to engage with others, and 
what we're supposed to say; 
these things are limiting and restrict many people's happiness, openness, and curiosity. 

And yet, despite wanting to say, feel, obtain, or shout something so badly, the majority quietly continues on with these stifling patterns, habits, and expectations. We continue with fear of expression and confrontation and thus let moments greet us and leave us without making the most of that exact moment, because we were too scared to mold or contort societal norms. 

And to that, I say: 
Disclaimer: sass is about to be unleashed.

BULLSHIT. Everyone has their personal battles, some are obviously worse than others. But to whoever is reading this, take a quick moment to think of a time and setting where you wish it would have been more "socially acceptable," to say, feel, or do something in particular. What did people do in order to create an environment where you felt UNCOMFORTABLE with just being you? 
Now, take another moment to check yourself (before you wreck yourself), and wonder if you have ever made another person feel that level of discomfort that you previously experienced. (I'm not asking you to feel terrible, I'm just asking you to be aware). What could you have done differently to allow that person to feel more OKAY with who they are? We are all trying to live, pursue our dreams, and be okay in a complex and hypocritical, yet dynamic and beautiful society. 
SO PLEASE, do not be an ass and TAMPER with someone's inner strength, or with someone's effort to try and live their life to the best of their ability. AND ON TOP OF THAT, make the effort to create a space in which THEY FEEL more comfortable while being in your presence. 

You will feel better, and they will feel better. 
It's not the answer to all of our problems, but hell... it's a small step toward a much needed revolution of consciousness and defining of norms. 

Happy Monday errbody, and be kind to your neighbor and yourself.