Power

There is a precious power that lies in human connection; close connections. 

It's so captivating how someone can pull thoughts, epiphanies, and courage from the most hidden depths of your mind and soul. It paralyzes me with tranquility and bliss when someone is able to unleash my fullest potential and my innermost desires, dreams, and concerns. 

Strangers can do this. Family, friends, professors, nature, and even cities can do this... bring out the tangible, exquisite you. 

I consistently try to surround myself with people and environments where this happens. When it does happen -- it feels unstoppable. 

That powerful form of intimate soul-opening expression, living, and feeling is necessary for my existence, for my rejuvenation, and for my happiness. 

Whenever I become reacquainted with people, places, and experiences -- that foster this sense of being -- I realize first and foremost: 

I need to prioritize managing my mental ecosystem.
People need to prioritize managing their mental ecosystems. 

It is OKAY to be "selfish" and take care of yourself. 
It is OKAY to break societal norms. 
It is OKAY to move on from a situation without an apology or closure.
It is OKAY to actively exercise compassion to people.
It is OKAY to ask for help. 
It is OKAY to not have other's approval. 

It is OKAY to do things that YOU WANT to do, for the very sake of it taking care of YOUR SOUL and making YOU infinitely happier. And sometimes, we all need help in doing these things... in remembering that we can do these things: be "selfish," be "different," be "perfectly imperfect." And that's why, it is so important to surround yourself with people who can bring your potential and light out of you,  especially when you're finding it so incredibly to difficult to see and feel certain qualities within yourself.

Sometimes, we all need care and connection from others to help us manage our mental ecosystems, and thus restore our foundations, our levels of happiness, and our openness to the world. 

And that is not only perfectly okay, but it is often necessary. Never forget that value of that power.

So in the mean time... set up your support systems and put yourself in spaces and places where those around you can encourage you, love you, and inspire you when things get hazy. 

Realization

I have come to the official realization that I need 

a new place, 

a new space, 

a new routine. 

A place to really grow into myself.

This isn't a bad thing; it just means it is time for me to move on and for things to change. 

Places and people come into your life for a purpose, and once that purpose is fulfilled --I truly believe that it is time *and healthy* to move on. 

That's always been something I've battled with: when to stick out something because it's apparently *right,* or when to keep someone around because you supposedly still *love* them. This isn't to say that experiences, places, or people are disposable, because that's definitely not the case. 

But, I think it's important to accept and address when something has reached it's end; to accept when your passion for something feels exhausted... even if social norms or other people tell you -- that what you have in front of you -- is perfect. 

Sometimes, there's a huge grey area between what's considered being ungrateful, and what's considered engaging with your personal self-respect and standards. 

But if you know yourself, and if you engage in mindfulness, you'll know what you truly deserve and what you're actually grateful for. 

Things are in transition right now. Things are hazy. Things are coasting. I'm in between changes, awaiting and looking for the next challenge.

Apology

Last Monday morning, I woke up to my phone going off; my eyes were puffy, tired, and could hardly open. 

"It's still dark outside, how could it already be time for me to get up for work?" 

As I began to slowly wake up, I realized I had received two text messages, and that my alarm was definitely not going off. I was still curious as to what the actual time was.

With every ounce of energy that I had -- and trust me, there wasn't that much -- I reached for my phone and checked the time. 

3:50 in the morning. Damn.

I checked my text messages, and I had received the longest -- and most unexpected text -- from someone I hadn't spoken with in months. 

The text message was an apology. An apology I never thought I'd receive. 

It was raw. It was honest. It was genuinely kind. 

I had made some weird form of peace with the idea that I'd never hear these words from this person. I accepted the fact that maybe they'd never understand me. 

And yet, there it was... presenting me with a form of closure and acceptance I never expected to receive.  

It's so interesting that life can give you closure at the most unexpected times. 

Self-Marginalization

This week has been beautiful, challenging, and spontaneous; it has truly pushed me out of my comfort zone. 

I have started owl-calling, which means I have night shifts for work now. I arrive at work an hour before sunset, quad out to where the first owl-calling station is, and I begin work just after sunset. 

The woods are so breathtaking at sunset. The hues of the landscape become soft, tinted, muted. The sky -- clear. The breeze -- calm and warm. The branches -- still. 

Right now I'm working with another person at all times. It's quite comforting and I always feel completely at ease. But soon, I'll be working on my own route. People will still be nearby, but I'll be doing my own stations, and they'll be doing theirs. While doing these night shifts, there is definitely many opportunities to come into contact with mountain lions, hogs, and bears. 

I'm going to have to learn to trust myself and my own capabilities; to genuinely know and believe that my body and mind will take care of me in any situation -- that I can take care of myself. 
It's so interesting to have a job that puts me in situations that actually make me use my body and the way it has evolved to function; I actually utilize my body's strength and senses for a LIVING. 

To do this job definitely puts me out of known and comfortable territory; it constantly pushes me to get to know nature and myself so much better than I ever thought possible. 

A friend spontaneously visited me this weekend, and Saturday night we were talking about my job and backpacking. We were talking about how the more growth-opportunity situations you choose to put yourself in, the more you're peeling down to the core of who you really are; you're shedding "surface" layers and getting to a deeper and more tangible YOU. We talked about how, the more of these situations you place yourself in, the more difficult it is to relate and connect with people on the same level. And in lieu of these situations, my friend then wisely stated that when people do this, 

"You are knowingly marginalizing yourself." 

I found so much power in this statement. I think in many situations (or with lifestyle choices) -- but not all -- people have  two distinct choices: 
1. To do something less daring and less unusual, in order to maintain compatibility with their peers; to keep things comfortable. However, the person will know that they are missing out on an experience that could further their own personal growth and well-being. 
2. To do something spontaneous, unusual, daring, and isolating, while very well-knowing that the experience could make you have less things in common with -- or possibly even grow apart from -- some of your peers. This is the self-marginalization. 

Neither option is wrong. Both hold value and weight. And some times you can have both; you can have unusual experiences, but still be comfortable with your peers. 
While talking with my friend this weekend, we realized that through my job, doing things like studying abroad, our hobbies/interests, etc. -- that we self-marginalizing ourselves from the majority. We've noticed that it is becoming more difficult to connect with people on levels that are as deep as the ones that we're uncovering in ourselves. 

But -- as we were having this conversation -- we had this beautiful realization of how many people in our lives DO connect with us on these levels, and DO accept us throughout our changes and journeys. We also fully realized that this group of people included each other. 

It was such a simple, yet exquisite realization to have. 

Romance

Through all of the differing colored hues and configured lenses in which every person views life, everyone has a varying idea of romance. 

There is the quintessential definition of romance that we all, of course, know: 

          *a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. 

I define myself as a hopeless romantic; this used to manifest itself as never-ending day dreaming of me finding the ever-so-longed-for "one." I craved to have some sort of external assurance from the world that I would never end up alone -- never end up as the crazy cat lady who knits and watches Golden Girls more than she actually leaves her front porch. I grasped onto this idea for so long, until -- after a long string of life events -- I realized that this idea of love, romance, and LIFE did not hold water for me anymore. This idea of life and living was too narrow, too rigid, too suffocating for me. 

I have now rediscovered and embraced a definition of romance that latches onto my heart and continuously pulls me, and sometimes drags me, to new and uncharted adventures, people, and experiences: 

          *a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. synonyms include: exoticism and mystique. 

I don't want to hold onto the idea of finding "the one." I don't want my over-arching hope in life to be to find "THE ONE." I want my interactions and hopes to be wired with the passion of falling in love with as many people, places, experiences, and things as possible. I never want my love and openness for anything in this world to be muted or diluted by the comfort of finding, or having, that ONE person to extend all (or the majority) of my love and heart to. 

Of course, people can embody both definitions of romance, but I think our society force-feeds women this idea that happiness lies in an engagement ring, a white dress, and a huge party that follows; that you aren't fulfilled until you prove to the world that you are officially marriage material. I am not putting down marriage, but I am putting down the glorified pursuance of it; the idea that it HAS to happen. 

While living in Bologna, I realized that the TITLE OF SOUL-MATES is not limited to the ones your marry, or nearly marry. Your soul-mates can be friends and cities and things you haven't even experienced yet; places you haven't been. 

You can fall madly in love with winding cobbled streets lined with cafes. 

You can fall madly in love with your first friend you met at college. 

You can fall madly in love with the stranger who shares their umbrella with you, for just 5 minutes. 

You can fall madly in love with the sound of the ocean, the way the sun warms your face, and the way the cold, cold winter chaps and burns the backs of your hands. 

You can fall madly in love with the pursuance of adventure and new experiences; those rushes of adrenaline and fear. 

You can give your heart to so many things, and leave pieces of your heart in so many places -- if you choose to. There is less security in this, but to me, there is such a greater return. I don't want to live my life with the intention of reserving my heart for just ONE. 

I want to share it, diversify it, and open it to the world and all that it has to offer. 

Dazzlement

Spring has so very eloquently sprung. 
And as I find myself immersed in sunshine, chirping birds, blooming flowers, and soft inland breezes, I can't help but think of how wonderful and delicate life is. 

If we have never been amazed by the very fact that we exist, we are squandering the greatest fact of all. -- Will Durant 

I recently watched a Ted Talk that said OUR CHANCES, (yes, yours, mine, ours, AND your mother's uncle) of being born in this particular time, place, and circumstance are 1 in 400,000,000,000. That is considering all natural disasters, the chances of your ancestors meeting and mating, specific egg and sperm combinations, and so much more! 

Just take a moment to think about that, and let that staggering number simmer inside you for a few minutes. Do it. 

Through the beautiful fragility of our very chances of being born, there is some serious strength -- and should be some serious gratitude -- in YOUR very existence; this means your every day life, human and nature interactions, inner-dialogue, ambitions, and desires. 

Executing appreciation for life is different for every person. But personally... I can't help, but look at that number -- that signifies just how freaking lucky I am to be alive -- and think: 

Everyone deserves a lovely existence.

Everyone.

I hope this number -- this 1 in 400,000,000,000 -- helps you redefine what a lovely existence means for yourself, your interactions with friends and family, your meetings with nature, and your encounters with strangers. 

I hope you let your life be YOUR DEFINITION of lovely, and I hope you help others magnify and realize their own definition of what lovely means. 

"If you shine your light, others may see how to do the same. You can ignite a chain reaction of illumation that is unstoppable." - Dylan Patterson

For me, I realize more and more each day that, in all of my interactions, I want to propagate comfort and care, in every encounter I have, so that it can hopefully manifest itself into a greater sense of ease, flow, acceptance, and happiness for at least one other person in this world. 

And with that said, 

...the probability of any one of us being born exactly as we are in this precise time and place is so unlikely that your very existence verges on the miraculous and should be a continuing source of dazzlement for you. 

Dazzle on my friends. 

Identity

Sometimes standing your ground on what you want your identity to be can be incredibly intimidating. It takes great courage to dismantle people's preconceived ideas of who you are -- especially people who have known you for years or in identity-specific settings. When you're further removed from your origins, you can feel more liberated to pursue the persona that you feel you've always had, or have always wanted to emit. When you are given this opportunity, and then placed back into a setting where people are cemented in the idea of who you used to be -- it can be challenging to maintain the new identity that you've grown into; it can be easy to pick up old habits/thought processes, and it can be uncomfortable to be insistent on the fact that you have, indeed, changed (especially when the people you're surrounding yourself with haven't necessarily changed, or can't identify with the new changes you have made -- so out of comfort you don't emphasize the new changes that you have made). 

I'm really seeking out to be comfortable with making situations a little bit uncomfortable, if it means that I am able to show others who I really am, and who I have grown into. I love it when others feel comfortable, but I shouldn't sacrifice my personal comfort and change who I have become to make others feel comfortable -- especially since they aren't actually taking the time to relearn me and my changes. As good of intentions these people may have, it is still disrespectful and hurtful that they can't take some time to see if I have changed over time. 

I keep procrastinating on how I truly carry out who I actually am; I keep waiting for there to be particular changes within myself and others, or I keep waiting for the perfect timing. And if I keep putting it off any longer, another year of dissatisfaction -- another year of not living my life as who I truly am --will soar by. And I'm tired of being afraid to truly show who I am; it shouldn't take a foreign country, where I know NO ONE, to let me completely grow into myself and show that identity to others. 

I've spent months trying to find certain ways to make myself comfortable with myself and showing others my identity, and within the past week, I've realized that I am the one prohibiting myself from being who I want to be -- not others. Others, and their judgments or oblivion, can serve as obstacles in regards to how easy it is for me to be who I want to be... but ultimately, I decide whether or not I let that redefine me. This realization, although simple, took time and much introspection to realize. And it will take even more practice for these ideologies to manifest themselves. But... in time, I will be fearless with self-expression and confidence. And, I am especially comforted by the fact that I have truly realized that today is the day to start making these changes.