Dazzlement

Spring has so very eloquently sprung. 
And as I find myself immersed in sunshine, chirping birds, blooming flowers, and soft inland breezes, I can't help but think of how wonderful and delicate life is. 

If we have never been amazed by the very fact that we exist, we are squandering the greatest fact of all. -- Will Durant 

I recently watched a Ted Talk that said OUR CHANCES, (yes, yours, mine, ours, AND your mother's uncle) of being born in this particular time, place, and circumstance are 1 in 400,000,000,000. That is considering all natural disasters, the chances of your ancestors meeting and mating, specific egg and sperm combinations, and so much more! 

Just take a moment to think about that, and let that staggering number simmer inside you for a few minutes. Do it. 

Through the beautiful fragility of our very chances of being born, there is some serious strength -- and should be some serious gratitude -- in YOUR very existence; this means your every day life, human and nature interactions, inner-dialogue, ambitions, and desires. 

Executing appreciation for life is different for every person. But personally... I can't help, but look at that number -- that signifies just how freaking lucky I am to be alive -- and think: 

Everyone deserves a lovely existence.

Everyone.

I hope this number -- this 1 in 400,000,000,000 -- helps you redefine what a lovely existence means for yourself, your interactions with friends and family, your meetings with nature, and your encounters with strangers. 

I hope you let your life be YOUR DEFINITION of lovely, and I hope you help others magnify and realize their own definition of what lovely means. 

"If you shine your light, others may see how to do the same. You can ignite a chain reaction of illumation that is unstoppable." - Dylan Patterson

For me, I realize more and more each day that, in all of my interactions, I want to propagate comfort and care, in every encounter I have, so that it can hopefully manifest itself into a greater sense of ease, flow, acceptance, and happiness for at least one other person in this world. 

And with that said, 

...the probability of any one of us being born exactly as we are in this precise time and place is so unlikely that your very existence verges on the miraculous and should be a continuing source of dazzlement for you. 

Dazzle on my friends. 

Identity

Sometimes standing your ground on what you want your identity to be can be incredibly intimidating. It takes great courage to dismantle people's preconceived ideas of who you are -- especially people who have known you for years or in identity-specific settings. When you're further removed from your origins, you can feel more liberated to pursue the persona that you feel you've always had, or have always wanted to emit. When you are given this opportunity, and then placed back into a setting where people are cemented in the idea of who you used to be -- it can be challenging to maintain the new identity that you've grown into; it can be easy to pick up old habits/thought processes, and it can be uncomfortable to be insistent on the fact that you have, indeed, changed (especially when the people you're surrounding yourself with haven't necessarily changed, or can't identify with the new changes you have made -- so out of comfort you don't emphasize the new changes that you have made). 

I'm really seeking out to be comfortable with making situations a little bit uncomfortable, if it means that I am able to show others who I really am, and who I have grown into. I love it when others feel comfortable, but I shouldn't sacrifice my personal comfort and change who I have become to make others feel comfortable -- especially since they aren't actually taking the time to relearn me and my changes. As good of intentions these people may have, it is still disrespectful and hurtful that they can't take some time to see if I have changed over time. 

I keep procrastinating on how I truly carry out who I actually am; I keep waiting for there to be particular changes within myself and others, or I keep waiting for the perfect timing. And if I keep putting it off any longer, another year of dissatisfaction -- another year of not living my life as who I truly am --will soar by. And I'm tired of being afraid to truly show who I am; it shouldn't take a foreign country, where I know NO ONE, to let me completely grow into myself and show that identity to others. 

I've spent months trying to find certain ways to make myself comfortable with myself and showing others my identity, and within the past week, I've realized that I am the one prohibiting myself from being who I want to be -- not others. Others, and their judgments or oblivion, can serve as obstacles in regards to how easy it is for me to be who I want to be... but ultimately, I decide whether or not I let that redefine me. This realization, although simple, took time and much introspection to realize. And it will take even more practice for these ideologies to manifest themselves. But... in time, I will be fearless with self-expression and confidence. And, I am especially comforted by the fact that I have truly realized that today is the day to start making these changes. 

Music

Music is so important to me. The way a song and a melody can express things you didn't even know you were feeling... it's just so incredible and comforting. I feel like someone's taste in music has the potential to reveal so much about them; I find that I get along best with people who have more diverse tastes in music, or are open to hearing new genres. The older I get, the more I realize I want people in my life who will share music and beautiful experiences with me. 

People who: 
~ can cook with me on a Sunday afternoon, while softly singing Etta James. 
~ will spontaneously road trip it with me to the farthest National Park in the winter time, while we wear scarves of red 'tied round our throats, and scream Fleet Foxes. 
~ lay in the grass with me as someone gently strums on their guitar. 
~ shamelessly dance with me till 4am to top hits, ratchet beats, and gnarly rap.
~ are open to electronic music, swing, classical, jazz, and blues. 
~ roll down all of the car windows -- on warm summer nights or freezing rainy days -- and blast our favorite indies, oldies, or 90's songs as we let the wind sift through our hair. 
~ cuddle up on couches with me with Bon Iver, Feist, and Ray LaMontagne playing in the background, as we relax quietly or have deep conversations. 
~ will spend days at the ocean with me, soaking up the rays and jamming to reggae, or our guilty pleasure pop songs. 
~ wake up slowly to Jack Johnson and Zee Avi on weekend mornings.
~ have a soft-spot for slow jams, Adele, and Coldplay when they're feeling blue.
~ drunkenly (and terribly) play heart and soul with me on the piano in the middle of the night. 
~ get feisty to The Black Keys, Cat Empire, Disclosure, Tyga, and Calvin Harris and can kick it in a pub with a few beers. 
~ reminisce with me on how the Garden State soundtrack totally changed their perception of everything when we were in high school. 
~ will continuously share and explore music and the world with me. 

Respond

The less I talk to and reach out to the people who bring me down -- even if I love and care about them, and they love and care about me, the more my life SIGNIFICANTLY improves. Some may call that selfish, but I call it healthy and necessary.