In recent years, I developed this idea that in order to obtain full self-confidence, one needed to develop a sense of value, worth, and understanding that was completely independent of exterior and announced opinions.
This isn't to say that one isn't influenced by societal norms, because obviously it is virtually impossible to NOT be influenced by societal norms. Even the rejection of societal norms is the result of still being influenced by social ideals, because you are consciously deviating from what others define as "acceptable."
What I mean by an independent development of the self, is one that does not depend on the approval of, or verbal validation from, another person. In the past I've made myself very vulnerable with others and felt that the value of my worth was dictated by what those around me thought of me. I have received confidence boosts from these types of interactions, but I've had a few interactions that made this dependency incredibly sour for me; I wanted to develop and feel secure without any validation from anyone.
To an extent, I think this is powerful -- to see yourself in a lovely light without needing to hear any encouraging words from anyone else. For the past year I became incredibly cemented in this idea and have carried myself that way for months. Overtime, I've slowly constructed an impenetrable wall around my heart -- completely rejecting any positive affirmations or interactions that I felt would define me and create some sort of dependence or deep and intimate connection with another human.
This is not to say that I haven't been open with others, because I definitely have. I'm very expressive of who I am and what I'm feeling, and I definitely encourage others to feel the same way around me; like they can say anything that's on their mind and feel completely at ease while doing so. BUT, I did keep a tiny piece of me severely protected. And I mean, severely. I put out vibes into the world that did not welcome any sort of unwanted impacting attention, and if I did start to receive it from someone, I would immediately shut them down.
But in the past two months... I've noticed that this idea, that I was so locked into, is starting to be deconstructed. The fact that I'm even aware that I was doing this is so wonderful, because there were definitely a few months where I was intently guarding my tenderness without even realizing it. I've become so close with some unexpected people who have been reaffirming qualities about myself, and bringing out some of my favorite -- but hidden -- characteristics; I'm surrounded by people who are starting to make me feel like "me" again.
At first, I had a a strange reaction to this. It was everything I wanted -- (human interaction and positive energy), but everything I didn't want -- (exterior human influence on my identity) at the same time. After some self reflection, however, I began to realize that positive influences from others -- or being comforted by others positive comments/vibes/presence does not mean that you don't have a sense of self-worth or that you are unhealthily dependent on exterior validation. People need human interaction and influences -- fluid conversations, touch, and exchanges are necessary to live a fulfilling life; positive exchanges and affirmations are GOOD for you, and it is okay to accept them. A balance just needs to be found between DEMANDING these words from others and simply ACCEPTING them and letting them happen.
The demanding is unhealthy, and is probably where I used to stand when I was younger and dependent on exterior validation. The accepting is natural and beautiful and normal. The accepting let's people be expressive, and it lets you be vulnerable. The accepting means that you see these qualities in yourself, that you ARE happy with who you are, and that you're okay to let people see those qualities in you. The accepting means that you find yourself worthy of light, of love, and that you are capable of sharing who you are without any reservations.
This isn't to say that one isn't influenced by societal norms, because obviously it is virtually impossible to NOT be influenced by societal norms. Even the rejection of societal norms is the result of still being influenced by social ideals, because you are consciously deviating from what others define as "acceptable."
What I mean by an independent development of the self, is one that does not depend on the approval of, or verbal validation from, another person. In the past I've made myself very vulnerable with others and felt that the value of my worth was dictated by what those around me thought of me. I have received confidence boosts from these types of interactions, but I've had a few interactions that made this dependency incredibly sour for me; I wanted to develop and feel secure without any validation from anyone.
To an extent, I think this is powerful -- to see yourself in a lovely light without needing to hear any encouraging words from anyone else. For the past year I became incredibly cemented in this idea and have carried myself that way for months. Overtime, I've slowly constructed an impenetrable wall around my heart -- completely rejecting any positive affirmations or interactions that I felt would define me and create some sort of dependence or deep and intimate connection with another human.
This is not to say that I haven't been open with others, because I definitely have. I'm very expressive of who I am and what I'm feeling, and I definitely encourage others to feel the same way around me; like they can say anything that's on their mind and feel completely at ease while doing so. BUT, I did keep a tiny piece of me severely protected. And I mean, severely. I put out vibes into the world that did not welcome any sort of unwanted impacting attention, and if I did start to receive it from someone, I would immediately shut them down.
But in the past two months... I've noticed that this idea, that I was so locked into, is starting to be deconstructed. The fact that I'm even aware that I was doing this is so wonderful, because there were definitely a few months where I was intently guarding my tenderness without even realizing it. I've become so close with some unexpected people who have been reaffirming qualities about myself, and bringing out some of my favorite -- but hidden -- characteristics; I'm surrounded by people who are starting to make me feel like "me" again.
At first, I had a a strange reaction to this. It was everything I wanted -- (human interaction and positive energy), but everything I didn't want -- (exterior human influence on my identity) at the same time. After some self reflection, however, I began to realize that positive influences from others -- or being comforted by others positive comments/vibes/presence does not mean that you don't have a sense of self-worth or that you are unhealthily dependent on exterior validation. People need human interaction and influences -- fluid conversations, touch, and exchanges are necessary to live a fulfilling life; positive exchanges and affirmations are GOOD for you, and it is okay to accept them. A balance just needs to be found between DEMANDING these words from others and simply ACCEPTING them and letting them happen.
The demanding is unhealthy, and is probably where I used to stand when I was younger and dependent on exterior validation. The accepting is natural and beautiful and normal. The accepting let's people be expressive, and it lets you be vulnerable. The accepting means that you see these qualities in yourself, that you ARE happy with who you are, and that you're okay to let people see those qualities in you. The accepting means that you find yourself worthy of light, of love, and that you are capable of sharing who you are without any reservations.
